Clean jokes...

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Play on the word Perch

One is something birds rest on
The other is a fish

G2
 
Here's an ancient one.

A midwestern couple go to Hawaii for the first time. For days they argued about whether the islands name was pronounced Hawaii or Havaii.
One afternoon they were walking along the beach when they saw an old man sitting on a bench. He looked like a native, so they decided to
ask him to settle the matter. They walked up to him and asked how to pronounce the name of the islands. He said, "Havaii". They said, "Thank you."
He replied, "You're velcome."



BTW, I was at Safeway this afternoon and there was a Toyota Tundra parked next to me that had Hawaii plates. I thought that was a long way to drive between gas stations.
 
After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”
 
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
 
UffDa said:
BTW, I was at Safeway this afternoon and there was a Toyota Tundra parked next to me that had Hawaii plates. I thought that was a long way to drive between gas stations.
Click to expand...

Huh. I never really thought of that one. Whenever I see a Hawaii license plate, I'm always wondering what road they took to get here.
 
DocT said:
They took the Pacific Hwy. :D
Click to expand...


Yeah and they had big floatation tires.


192848d1119143603-rockwells-can-swim-picture-001.jpg
 
A $100 bill, a $50 bill, and a $1 bill were talking about their travels one day. The $100 bill said, "I have been to Tahiti, to Rome, to the Super Bowl, and all sorts of exciting places." The $50 bill said, "I go to the baseball game every weekend, and when the football team is in town I go to every game." The $1 bill replied, "The only place I ever go is to church."
 
GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts..
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
 
Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?”

“Roof,” the dog barked.

Bob wasn’t convinced. So Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels.

“Rough.”

He still wasn’t convinced.

“O.K., who was the greatest home run hitter of all time?” Fred asked the dog.

“Ruth.”

With that, Bob walked away, saying, "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

After he left, the dog said, "Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds?”
 
UffDa said:
GOD to ST. FRANCIS :
Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?
What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?
I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan.
Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms.
It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.
That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.
That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.
The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.
In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord.
The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this any more.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts..
What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Click to expand...

:D haHaHa! I resemble that!
 
threeleggedpig-300x225.jpg



So one day a man is driving along in his car, and he gets a flat tire. Now, luckily, he gets the flat right in front of a farm. So he gets out of his car, walks over to the farmhouse, knocks on the door, and the farmer steps out. Now, the man starts talking to him about his flat tire, but he can't help but look over at the fields and see a three-legged pig. So he finishes up telling the farmer about his flat tire and he says: "Oh, by the way, how'd that pig over there lose its leg?"

The farmer says, "that pig, over there?"

"Yep."

"In the fields?"

"Mhm."

"With three legs?"

"Uh-huh."

"Why," the farmer announces, "that there's a hero pig! Yessir, that pig saved my life. You see, one day in the winter I was out fishing in the pond, when I fell right through the ice! And that pig comes rushing down the hill, dives right into the freezing water, and drags me out. Saved my life."

"Wow," the man says, "what a brave pig to dive into that water, save your life, and lose a leg in the process!"

"What?" says the farmer, "no, no, no, that's not how he lost his leg!"

"Then how'd the pig lose its leg?"

"You mean that old pig?"

"Uh, yeah."

"That one grazing over there?"

"Yep."

"The one I just told you about?"

"That's the one."

"Why, that pig's a hero pig, I tell ya! Saved my life! Y'see, one day the chicken coop caught on fire, and that there hero pig bolted in, pulled me out, pulled the chickens out, and by God he saved all the eggs, too."

"Man, that pig really is a hero, to save you, the chickens, the eggs, and lose a leg while doing so."

"Pfft, that ain't how it lost its leg."

"Then how'd that pig lose its leg?"

"That one?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"The one with one missing leg?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"The one you're pointing to?"

"That's the one."

"Why, that there pig's a hero pig! One day two robbers broke into my house and stuck my wife and I up! And just as they were about to pull the trigger to shoot us, by God that pig came barreling in, knocked the gun away, and bit the fiends until they were off the farm!"

"My God, that is a truly brave, noble, and heroic pig, to save you and your wife and get its leg shot off in the process."

"That ain't the way it lost its leg!"

"Oh, come on! It dragged you out of a pond, saved you from a fire, chased away your would-be killers, how on Earth did that pig lose its leg?"

"Oh, you mean that pig?"

"Yes, that pig."

"That one over there?"

"Yup."

"You sure?"

"Yes, yes."

"Well, you see, a pig that good, you can't eat all at once."
 
A man is driving down the road one day when he gets a flat on his passenger side. He pulls off to the side of the road, about twenty feet away from the perimeter fence for a mental institution.

There are a few patients milling about outside, but the fence is tall, and he's separated from it by a wide ditch full of water, so the man pays them little attention, and goes about changing his tire.

Having placed the lug nuts into the hubcap, the man proceeds to remove the tire. while doing so, he loses his balance, throwing a hand out to arrest his fall, which smacks the edge of the hubcap, sending his lug nuts flying down into the ditch.

While standing there, trying to figure out what to do, the man hears a voice from behind him. He turns to see that one of the patients has approached the fence and is addressing him.

"Excuse me", says the patient, "But I noticed that you've lost your lug nuts. If you take one from each of your remaining wheels, you'll be able to put your spare on, and that should get you down the road to the next exit, where you can get some replacements."

"I hadn't thought of that, That's a great idea!" says the man "You're pretty smart. what are you doing here?"

The patient looks at him, and replies "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
 
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

After I came to, that’s about as far as I could remember.
 
Not everyone may get this.

Roy Rogers had some boots custom made. They were pretty stiff and hurt his feet, so he took them off and treated them with some leather dressing. He put them on the front porch and sat down to relax. He was about to doze off when a cougar ran up to the porch and grabbed the boots. Before Roy could react, the cougar ran off with the boots. Roy called the foreman and a hunting party went out looking for the cougar. A few hours later, the foreman pulled up in his pickup with a dead mountain lion in the bed and a pair of torn up boots. He said, "Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed you new shoes?"


Groan.
 
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