Clean jokes...

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Gary W. Graley

Gary W. Graley

“Imagination is more important than knowledge"
Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider
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Ok guys/gals just Clean jokes here, don't want it moved to the netherworld
of bladeforums, so, shake that head and pull out a few funnies that are also
clean, ones that you can say in public...

Like;

If it wasn't for venetian blinds,
it'd be Curtains for all of us! :)

or

Did you hear about those new corduroy pillows?
they're making head lines!

Ok, so they don't have to be the best joke, just keep it clean ok?
;)
G2
 
There ya go! thanks :)
G2
 
1) A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "Sorry man, but my boss hates ropes. I can`t serve you."
So the rope goes outside, ties himself into a big knot, and rubs himself up and down the sidewalk until he`s all frizzy. Then he goes back into the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender looks him up and down and says "Hey, aren`t you that rope I kicked out earlier?"

The rope looks at him with a perfectly straight face and says "Nope, I`m a frayed knot."
 
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!!!!!"
 
Rollin' now guys, one more here;

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office "oomph" of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would like to portray,
as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano." said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."

;)
G2
 
Dang! I was going to post the "I'll be bach" joke.

Here's one that is told using many different ethnic groups.



Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an Old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.

"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said.

"So why did he say not to go there?," a person asked.

Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian.

Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."

The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Uff Da, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English- Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Uff Da, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree, it vuz a ham bush!!"
 
An African king touring Europe was so enamoured with the European Royalty and the pomp and glitter that accomponied it, that he sent home a throne from every country he visited.

Upon returning, he went to his main hut to view them all and was crushed to death when the roof caved in.

Moral of the story:
People who live in grass houses, shouldn't stow thrones.
 
Three old men out fishing, they start arguing about when life begins, First man says "Life begins at birth", Second man, Adamant says NO, "Life begins at conception", Third man quite content, Says you are both wrong, "Life begins when the kids are gone and the dog is dead"

James
 
MORIMOTOM said:
two cows are standing in a field.

one looks to the other, and says, "say, have you heard about that "mad cow disease"? pretty scary huh?"

the other cow answers, "im not worried. im a helicopter."
Click to expand...

Are you a Fred-head?

An old farmer and his wife are sitting at the table at tax time. Jokingly, the farmer reaches over and touches her on the breasts, saying: "if these gave milk, we could get rid of the cows." She reaches over, touches him down there and said, "if this still worked, we could get rid of the hired hand".
 
Dad is watching the boxing match on TV when his son comes into the living room and sits on Dad's lap and starts watching the next round.

After awhile the young boy asks his dad a question about the boxing match. 'Hey dad, why are the two players not wearing skates, and where is the puck?'
 
A horse goes into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
 
A dog with three legs walks in to a bar and says...."I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!".




What do you get when you cross a dwarf with a vampire?

A little sucker about three feet tall!




Tiffany (a blond) decides to visit her friend Tammy (also a blond).
When she gets to Tammy's house she finds Tammy blowing in to the tailpipe of her car.

"Tammy, why are you blowing in to the tailpipe of your car" Tiffany asks.

Tammy replies "I have a dent in the side of the car and the mechanic told me I can pop the dent out by blowing in to the tailpipe".

Tiffany rolls her eyes and laughs at her friend "Tammy, you're such a blond! It will never work.....

the windows are down".
 
Wife to husband: "Why don't you take me somewhere I haven't gone before?"

Husband to wife: "How about the kitchen?"
 
annr said:
Wife to husband: "Why don't you take me somewhere I haven't gone before?"

Husband to wife: "How about the kitchen?"
Click to expand...

This reminds me of when our kids were small, when the dinner bell rang, all the kids jumped into the car.

In fact: I made money by leasing out our kitchen, but before I could, I had to patch a hole in the floor, lessor nearly fell to the ground before either of us saw it. Evidently been there for years, just never noticed.
James
 
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