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Price is$300$250 ea (shipped within CONUS). If you live outside the US, I will contact you after your order for extra shipping charges.
Order here: https://www.bladeforums.com/help/2024-traditional/ - Order as many as you like, we have plenty.
Clean jokes...
- Thread starter Gary W. Graley
- Start date
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
- Joined
- Dec 1, 2016
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- 474
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2016
- Messages
- 1,649
Lol man I wish my dad was still with us here would have loved that silly joke. It's so bad it's good!
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? A: Pumpkin pi.
Q: Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road? A: It had no guts!
Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern? A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What did a Jack-o-lantern say to the pumpkin? A: Cut it out!
Q: What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? A: Squash
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles? A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? A: When you drop it; then it's squash!
One day two pumpkins, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured pumpkin called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured pumpkin was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured pumpkin, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
And finally:
There was a farmer who grew pumpkins. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his pumpkin patch at night and eat his pumpkins.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the pumpkins in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no pumpkins are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
Q: Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road? A: It had no guts!
Q: What do you use to mend a jack-o-lantern? A: A pumpkin patch.
Q: What did a Jack-o-lantern say to the pumpkin? A: Cut it out!
Q: What is a pumpkin's favorite sport? A: Squash
Q: Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles? A: Because they just had their brains scooped out!
Q: When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? A: When you drop it; then it's squash!
One day two pumpkins, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured pumpkin called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able.
The injured pumpkin was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured pumpkin, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".
And finally:
There was a farmer who grew pumpkins. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his pumpkin patch at night and eat his pumpkins.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the pumpkins in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no pumpkins are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay, James, here’s what I want you to do…
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay, James, here’s what I want you to do…
Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.
WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.
- Joined
- Jan 24, 2013
- Messages
- 1,878
I received a shot glass as a gift when I was young and impressionable ...
It cautioned that certain body parts would droop to the knees after drinking its contents. So forewarned!
Whew ... dodged that bullet!
Edited to remove image of shot glass which, although harmless enough, may not be appropriate for this thread.
It cautioned that certain body parts would droop to the knees after drinking its contents. So forewarned!
Whew
... dodged that bullet!Edited to remove image of shot glass which, although harmless enough, may not be appropriate for this thread.
Last edited:
BOSS1
Gold Member
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2008
- Messages
- 1,700
A highway construction crew's fog line painter wins the lottery and quits, so they put out a help wanted sign: "Fog line painter wanted."
A day later, a fellow named Bob comes in and takes the job.
The foreman takes him out to the where the last guy left off.
"Ok Bob, it's a pretty simple job...here's the brush, here's the bucket of paint. You just take the brush and paint this line down the side of the road, 4 inches wide. Wear your safety vest and keep an eye on traffic. Come see me at 5 o'clock when you're done."
"No problem," says Bob.
Bob paints all day. At 5 o'clock he goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how'd it go? How far'd ya get?" asks the foreman.
"Not sure," says Bob. "I got 8 miles done."
"8 miles?!?!?!" Says the foreman. "That's great! The last guy never got more than 6! Come back tomorrow!"
Bob comes back and paints the whole next day. At 5 o'clock he goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how'd you do today? Anther 8 miles?" Asks the foreman.
"No boss, I only got 4 miles today," replies Bob.
"Hmm, well, guess I can't expect 8 miles every day and 4 miles is still pretty good. Come back tomorrow," says the foreman.
Bob paints all the next day and at 5 o'clock, goes to see the foreman.
"Well, how'd ya do today?" asks the foreman.
"Hmm, not so good. I only got 2 miles done today."
"2 miles?!?!" says the foreman. "That's not very good. You're gonna have to do better. I'll give you one more try. Come back tomorrow."
Bob comes back, paints the whole day, at 5 o'clock goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how about today?" asks the foreman.
"Really not so good, boss. Only got a 1/2 mile done today."
The foreman is perplexed. "What?? First day, 8 miles. Second day, 4 miles. Third day, 2 miles. Today only 1/2 miles? What's going on???" You're about to get fired!!"
Bob: "Well, boss, every day I took the brush and painted like you said, but I kept getting farther from the bucket."
A day later, a fellow named Bob comes in and takes the job.
The foreman takes him out to the where the last guy left off.
"Ok Bob, it's a pretty simple job...here's the brush, here's the bucket of paint. You just take the brush and paint this line down the side of the road, 4 inches wide. Wear your safety vest and keep an eye on traffic. Come see me at 5 o'clock when you're done."
"No problem," says Bob.
Bob paints all day. At 5 o'clock he goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how'd it go? How far'd ya get?" asks the foreman.
"Not sure," says Bob. "I got 8 miles done."
"8 miles?!?!?!" Says the foreman. "That's great! The last guy never got more than 6! Come back tomorrow!"
Bob comes back and paints the whole next day. At 5 o'clock he goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how'd you do today? Anther 8 miles?" Asks the foreman.
"No boss, I only got 4 miles today," replies Bob.
"Hmm, well, guess I can't expect 8 miles every day and 4 miles is still pretty good. Come back tomorrow," says the foreman.
Bob paints all the next day and at 5 o'clock, goes to see the foreman.
"Well, how'd ya do today?" asks the foreman.
"Hmm, not so good. I only got 2 miles done today."
"2 miles?!?!" says the foreman. "That's not very good. You're gonna have to do better. I'll give you one more try. Come back tomorrow."
Bob comes back, paints the whole day, at 5 o'clock goes and sees the foreman.
"Well, how about today?" asks the foreman.
"Really not so good, boss. Only got a 1/2 mile done today."
The foreman is perplexed. "What?? First day, 8 miles. Second day, 4 miles. Third day, 2 miles. Today only 1/2 miles? What's going on???" You're about to get fired!!"
Bob: "Well, boss, every day I took the brush and painted like you said, but I kept getting farther from the bucket."
It was coming up to Christmas and Sammy asked his mum if he could have a new bike. So, she told him that the best idea would be to write to Santa Claus. But Sam, having just played a vital role in the school nativity play, said he would prefer to write to the baby Jesus. So his mum told him that would be fine.
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
Sam went to his room and wrote ' Dear Jesus, I have been a very good boy and would like to have a bike for Christmas.' But he wasn't very happy when he read it over. So he decided to try again and this time he wrote 'Dear Jesus, I'm a good boy most of the time and would like a bike for Christmas.' He read it back and wasn't happy with that one either. He tried a third version. 'Dear Jesus, I could be a good boy if I tried hard and especially if I had a new bike.' He read that one too, but he still wasn't satisfied.
So, he decided to go out for a walk while he thought about a better approach. After a short time he passed a house with a small statue of the Virgin Mary in the front garden. He crept in, stuffed the statue under his coat, hurried home and hid it under the bed. Then he wrote this letter. 'Dear Jesus, If you want to see your mother again, you'd better send me a new bike.'
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