Clean jokes...

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Here are some funny famous quotes:

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. Winston Churchill

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. W. H. Auden

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields
 
Little boy named Tommy who was in the first grade got in trouble and and was taken to the principals office by his teacher. Tommy told the principal he wanted to be in 3rd grade instead of first grade.

The principal said “ Let’s ask him some questions, maybe he’s smarter than we think.” Ms. Jones the teacher said “ Tommy what’s 10 times 10?” Tommy answered “ 100.” “ that’s good Tommy” said Ms Jones. “ What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?” Tommy said “Legs.”
“What does the principal have in his pants that I don’t have?” Tommy said “Pockets.”

The principal said “ Ms Jones put the boy in 3rd grade. I missed 2 of those questions myself.”
 
When I lived in Alaska far above the Arctic Circle, one night it was south of -60 F and several of us huddled around an old stove trying to get at least some warmth. On guy looked down and saw a little round frozen green thing on the floor of the cabin. He picked it up and set it on the stove to thaw out. When it did it went TTTHHHT!
 
Man, I am hopeless with acronyms ... and a lot of most things others find obvious ... sign me stupid ... but I have confidence this is funny!
 
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
 
“The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorist have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastards.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The Italians have increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military
Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “ Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited their new submarines are ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”

The Australians, meanwhile, have raised their security level from “No worries” to “She'll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.”

- John Cleese- British writer, actor and tall person.
 
Do you know the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station: the other a busty crustacean.
 
Dude, did you hear about that Asian who got kicked down the stairs? It was Wong on so many levels...
 
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Charles finally got tickets to the big game, he called Tom and he came right over since they had to leave now if they still wanted to make it. They were as excited as a couple of kids. Laughing and giggling and even a jumping chest bump for old times sake.

Charles started up the car as Tom climbed in and they started to back out onto the road. "Tommy, is there anything commin yer way?" "Only a dog Tom cried", still not believing they were really going after all of these years."

Charles backed out hastily and
!BAM-CRASH!
The truck was totaled. As their crippled bodies were loaded into the ambulance Charles said, "Why did you say 'Just a Dog'?" Tom replied angrily, "Grayhound man, Grayhound!"
 
Passenger: It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in my luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

Flight Attendant: "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

Passenger: "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

Flight Attendant: "That's not why it's there."

(pause)

Passenger: "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

Flight Attendant: "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
 
So, I got my concealed carry gun permit the other day. I went straight over to the Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammunition the cashier said to me, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about anti-gun nuts running amok, I did just as she instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card into the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. I think they need to make their instructions to senior citizens a little clearer.

Besides, I don't think I looked that bad.
 
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