Contest - Drawing 5/21 5PM PST

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
 
I have sat here for a good 20 minutes trying to think of something entertaining and haven't been able to come up with anything:( I blame Mark for this because all I can think of is how nice those two pieces of wood would look like on knives I would make with them.:eek:

Thanks for the chance, still can't think of anything but knife making:D

George

I hope there is no time limit to claim the prize, because I will be out of town and no where near a computer Friday afternoon till Monday evening. i get to spend this long weekend playing in the bush and mapping trails:thumbup:
 
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Oldie, but a good one never the less.



Two friends go out hunting for the day.

When the get to their spot one goes to the west one goes to the east.

Not long after heading to the east the man needs to take a crap so he sits down on a fallen tree and falls asleep.

After a while the one that went to the west gets his buck and takes it back to the truck.

Another 2 hours pass and the man at the truck is getting annoyed so he goes to look for his friend and he finds him pants around his ankles sawing logs.

He thinks to himself "man this is some bs, time for a wake up call"

So he goes and gets his gut pile from his buck and puts it under his friends ass, runs a few hundred feet away and shoots his rifle off a few times then goes back to the truck.

About 30 minutes later his friend shows up to the truck white as a ghost.

He asks, "man you look like hell, whats wrong?"

The now very awake man replies "man I feel asleep and when I woke up I shit my guts out!"

His friend trying not to laugh says "by god we better get you to the doctor"

The other man replies "no that is not necessary, by the grace of god and a greasy stick I got them all back in".
 
You guys have me laughing out loud!

Here's another old one:

Did you hear about the dislexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He kept himself awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
 
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Im in!

I am waiting on my wheels to put together my grinder and the suspense is KILLING me!!!

Nice looking wood!
 
True story,
Grew up in a small town where moonshining was huge,Whole county was dry so no one sold alcohol.The best at moonshining other than my Grandfather was a man named, lets just call him Buck. Now bucks wife would whoop his butt 3 to 4 times a week and every now and then he would get drunk, and I mean REAL drunk! When ever she beat him up bad he would walk out into a field close to their house and stay in a bullet trailor, I call it a bullet trailor because it was silver, just a small traveling trailor. One night during the summer over the scanner around 12 O'clock, we heard that Buck had just shot 3 people breaking in on him, now my Grandfather and I being good friends with Buck only lived 2 miles down the road so we took off over their. It takes a officer at least 20 minutes to get out where we lived because we had no police just county deputies. We arrive and Buck is running around naked yelling at the sky, "the lord made me do it", again and again, we finally get him calmed down and ask what happened and take the gun away from him and he starts telling us 3 robbers tried to climb into his bullet trailor thru the window and one of them said he had a gun and the other 2 said they where gonna rape him and take him money. Me being 12 or 13 at the time thought this was the most exciting thing ever and my Grandfather proceded to go around the trailor and see who the victims where... 15 or so minutes go by and he returns with a awful look on his face and picks buck up and tells him all he shot was his damn donkeys, they smelled sweet feed inside the window and was trying to get a late night snack and Buck shot them, when he finds this out he has to be carried to a mental hospital for a week, were sure the donkeys never tried to rape him:o
 
Wow what good timing for me! Got up this morn and as soon as my feet hit the floor I could tell the gravity was bad! Turned on the tube and sure enough the gravity index was sky high. It was my only day off so I headed to my shop anyhow to finally finish my own personal knife today and sure enough dropped the scales I'd been saving for myself and they cracked when the hit the cement floor! Sure would love to be considered for this give away! Just a heads up the gravity index is expected to be high all this week!
 
I would love to put those on my knife-like pieces of steel! Still don't know if I can call any of them a knife yet ;)
 
How do you tell the difference between a male tree and a female tree? You have to look at the crotch.

Thanks for the contest. It's a sad joke but i kill tree's for a living.
 
The chronic masturbator goes to the doctor and the doctor says "You need to stop masturbating."

"What medical reason can you possibly have have for me to stop?" says the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an examination!"
 
When Im out making knives, and get a cut, or a scrape from the belt grinder, I just smile, get out the superglue, and say to my self, "its all part of the hobby". That makes me smile a little, and I get back to the grinder.
 
Incredible wood.

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates , met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But, nobody ever told me about any entrance exam . I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.' 'How about the next one?' asked St. Peter 'How many seconds in a year ?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind ... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

'ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..' '

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run!'
 
Im in.

Strawberry is not a fruit, it is a receptacle. California is the largest producer of strawberries with almost 20000 acres dedicated to growing the fruit. Surprisingly the entire land of the USA is considered to be fertile for growing strawberries. If consumed in the right amount this fruit can fill in almost 20% of human body's daily requirement for folic acid and 140% of Vitamin C. It is the only fruit with the seeds on the skin and a strawberry on an average has 200 seeds.
 
two termites walk into a saloon and say "Is the bar tender here?"
Best I could do at this hour
Thanks for the chance
Tom
So. Ga.
 
I'd love to get some wood! Yea...that didn't come out right

Keep up the good work everyone!
 
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