Talonner, we have a problem here. And in the end, I think we both want the same thing.
First though, I'd like to thank you for making a very enjoyable read. I've been posting here regularly for over four years now, and this is probably the best thread I've ever read here.
Now to our problem.
Twice while reading this thread I laughed so hard and so loud that my girlfriend woke up, sat up and glared at me. As much as I'd like to jump over the balcony and run away from her sleep deprived wrath, my back porch is a good twelve feet off the ground and there's some jagged rocks and a very cold creek just below. I think I'd only end up with several broken limbs (and I'd probably drown) if I tried that.
So I think you should compensate my girlfriend for lost sleep and issue a public apology; it's the proper thing to do and then we won't have to get the authorities involved.
I'll give you until tomorrow, since I don't think you're allowed to apologize on a holiday in Oz.