I could use a laugh

Status
Not open for further replies.
voracious1

voracious1

Joined
Aug 10, 2011
Messages
2,325
Anybody know any good ones? I'll start.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, why the long face?:rolleyes:

keep em clean boys and girls.
Make me lol you are WINNING
 
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.

The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.. . . He then takes the last one in the and does the same.

The bartender asks him, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, " Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!";)
 
There's an old man and his wife in the doctor's office, where the old man is getting a physical. The nurse says to the old man, "I need a blood sample from you, along with a urine sample and stool sample." The old man, who is hard of hearing, says "what?" The nurse repeats that she will need blood, urine and stool samples from the old man. Again he says "huh?". Again she asks, and yet again he says "what?".

Finally, the frustrated wife yells into the old man's ear, "Honey, the nurse asked you to give her your underwear!".
 
Whats red and smells like blue paint?........................................................................................................................................................................................................Red Paint
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding across the desert when a line of mounted Indians appeared to the right of them. They looked to the left and saw another line of mounted Indians. Behind them they saw another line of mounted Indians.

The Lone Ranger said, "Looks like we're in trouble, Tonto." Tonto replied, "What you mean WE, white man?"
 
I went to the doctor yesterday. He told me i was too fat. I said i wanted a second opinion.
He says, ok. You're ugly too!

RIP Rodney
 
A wealthy older woman is asking her plastic surgeon what to try next and he says, 'Instead of another face lift, there's this new procedure called 'the knob'. We install it discreetly under your skin in the back of your neck. When you notice any new wrinkles just turn the knob a quarter-turn clockwise and everything will tighten up and you'll be restored to youth.' She says, 'Ok doc I'll try it.' She has the procedure and it works beautifully. But after two years or so, she finds that she has to really turn the knob a lot to get any benefit -- she's really torquing that thing around and around. She goes back to the doctor to tell him that it's not working as well as it did and that she has these very large bags under her eyes now. He says, 'Sorry to say those aren't bags m'dear, those are your breasts!" Without missing a beat, she adds, 'well in that case doctor, I won't ask about the goatee.'
 
What was Jeffery Dahmer's favorite food to serve at parties?

Finger Snacks and Rump Roast....
 
This fish is swimming in a river when it runs in to a concrete wall and he says, "Dam"!
 
Last edited:
A tree walks into the back lot of a hotel and falls down .............no ones sees anything :)
 
Two men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New Jersey and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Jersey Guys," the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say....'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"
 
Q: How do you know when it's going to be a good day at work?

A: When you see your boss' picture on the side of the milk carton.
 
A DEA officer stopped at our family farm yesterday, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing crops."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..." Before I could finish my sentence the DEA officer started yelling, "Mister,I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arrogant officer removes his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this damn badge?! This badge means that I am allowed to go wherever I want...on anyone's land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!

I nodded politely, apologized, and went on about my chores. A short time later, I heard some loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life. He was being chased by my big old mean bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed like the bull would gore him before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs...

"Your badge, show him your damn BADGE!!!"
 
Camping

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night long."
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top