I could use a laugh

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A pirate walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender says,"Pardon me sir, do you realize you have a steering wheel on your wiener?"

The pirate replies,"Arrrrrrrgggg!!!!!!!!! It's driving me nuts!"
 
This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to20hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?& nbsp; This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a l ittle curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perver ts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this part icular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
voracious1 said:
Porkadiggum!! How you been, brother?
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Not bad. Not bad at all. Instead of a joke I was going to tell a story about driving along at night, not knowing where I was, pulling over the passenger could evacuate whatever dinner he'd had. Oh and we can't forget the conversation and bad directions with the nice state trooper. But I figured we'd keep it family friendly. That might be too graphic. :) Ah, good times. Hehe
 
DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge! Show him your BADGE !"
 
This guy gets a tattoo of his wifes name on his member for their anniversary.

It looks like W.Y. but when its all filled out it spells Wendy.

So they go out for dinner to celebrate and the husband goes to the rest room.

While he is at the urinal a black man comes along side him to do his business.

The husband glances over and sees a W.Y. on the black guys unit.

He says " hey, I'm not gay or anything but I have a W.Y. also.

My W.Y. says Wendy, What does yours say?"

The black guy replies in a deep voice " Oh... mine say... Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day".
 
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spai. They name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, are you sure he’s dead?” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
 
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I'm afraid I can’t stop passing wind. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."

The doctor looks at her and says, "OK. I can help you, take these pills and come back next week."

The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts stink."

The doctor smiles and says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing."
 
Paradiggum said:
Not bad. Not bad at all. Instead of a joke I was going to tell a story about driving along at night, not knowing where I was, pulling over the passenger could evacuate whatever dinner he'd had. Oh and we can't forget the conversation and bad directions with the nice state trooper. But I figured we'd keep it family friendly. That might be too graphic. :) Ah, good times. Hehe
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Lets not forget the punch line. The passenger passes out on the way back to a motel other than the residence inn, and refuses to wake up to come in. So the driver, being the sensible guy he is, leaves him to sleep it off. When said passenger wakes up in an suv liberally splashed with regurgitated cajun clams and used jack daniels it's about 120 degrees in there, and, of course, locks the keys inside while bailing out. The end.
 
2 guys are out hiking in the woods when one of them accidentally steps on a copper head.The snake turns and in an instant bites him on his privates.He falls down in excruciating pain.His friend asked what he should do cause neither had their cell phone.He tells him to run to the nearest phone and call a doctor.He takes off running and gets to a phone,and reaches a doctor.He explains the situation and the doctor tells him to save his friends life,he must suck the poison out.He says "ok", hangs up and runs back.When he gets there,his friend asks"what did the doctor say?"

He said you are gonna die.
 
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin looks over at the other muffin and says, "Geez, its getting hot in here" The other muffin says "AHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
 
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Q. What do you call an intelligent blonde?



A. Golden retriever.


Q. How you get a one armed blonde down from a tree?



A. Wave at her.



Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?



A. Shopping trolley has a mind of its own!



Q. What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown / black?



A. Artificial intelligence.
 
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