I could use a laugh

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I don't keep up with television stars much, so I had to Google a picture of SJP, then I snorted. ;-)

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Man walks into doctor's office with a banana in his right ear. Says, "Doc, I'm not feeling well lately." Doc says, "No wonder! You're not eating right!"
 
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back,were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this.”Whose funeral is it?”

“My wife’s.”

”What happened to her?”

The man replied, “She was hitting me so my dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “But who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her..”

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed between the two men.

“Can I borrow the dog?”

The man replied,

“Get in line.”
 
Once upon a time there was a woman who never nagged, bitched or complained.













But it was just that once and it was a long time ago.
 
Little boy and little girl are arguing, my dad does this better than yours, my mommy does this better than yours, after a while the little boy drops his pants and says I have one of these, little girl go's running home crying .....

Next day the little boy and little girl meet up again, little boys pulls down his pants and says I still have one of these, little girl drops her pants and says ....... my mommy said with one of these and I can have as many of those as I want
 
megnin said:
I don't keep up with television stars much, so I had to Google a picture of SJP, then I snorted. ;-)

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Can't help it, since this is a humor thread: CAPTION time.

"Before and After, the Smile Dental difference!"

Sung to the Patty Duke show theme... "Cause there cousins, identical cousins..." (might be before most of your days here)

"What Matthew Broderick sees through his beer goggles..."

Ok, sorry, i guess that was rude.
 
dregoth said:
A DEA officer stopped at our family farm yesterday, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally growing crops."

I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..." Before I could finish my sentence the DEA officer started yelling, "Mister,I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arrogant officer removes his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this damn badge?! This badge means that I am allowed to go wherever I want...on anyone's land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?! Do you understand?!

I nodded politely, apologized, and went on about my chores. A short time later, I heard some loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life. He was being chased by my big old mean bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed like the bull would gore him before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs...

"Your badge, show him your damn BADGE!!!"
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the real stories are always the funniest :)
 
A neutron walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink?"
The bartender says "for you, no charge"
 
These are great guys!! Awesome thread Jody :thumbup: Got some great laughs and hopefully there will be lots more! Wish I knew one to add to the bunch but I don't think it could come close to these.
 
There is a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. A blonde and a brunette pull up in a car and look at the blonde in the field. The blonde in the car looks at the brunette and says "It is blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I would go out there and kick her butt."
 
Hindsight said:
There is a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. A blonde and a brunette pull up in a car and look at the blonde in the field. The blonde in the car looks at the brunette and says "It is blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name and if I could swim I would go out there and kick her butt."
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I thought you said you would keep this between us!!!! You are sooooo getting it ;)
 
A group of American, Russian and Puerto Rican astronauts are discussing their plans for the upcoming year. The Americans say "This year we will land on the moon 3 times". The Russians counter and say, "this year we will land on Mars"... The Puerto Ricans stand and say, "Ha, you are both behind our technology, this year we will land on the Sun"... The American and Russians break into hysterical laughter and say, "You will surely burn what are you nuts?" The Puerto Ricans reply confidently, "Surely we are not stupid enough to go during the day".
 
A Guy walks up to a beautifal woman in a bar and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No. I’ll probably bang you on the coffee table
Later when I'm drunk."


............................................
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS :emot-yarr:
 
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