I could use a laugh

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My wife has been missing a week now. The police called and said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.


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HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS :emot-yarr:
 
Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
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He wanted some arr and arr.
 
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
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I can clearly see you're nuts!
 
Guy gets out of his Ferrari Pininfarina, walks into a bar, has a tiny little man in a elf suit on his shoulder, whips out a wad of bills shouts...

"Bartender, a round for everyone!"

Bartender pours a round for everyone.

Little guy jumps off of the rich guys shoulder, proceeds to kick over all drinks, returns to the shoulder.

Everyone moans and the guy whips out his cash again, shouts "Another round for everyone."

Bartender pours, little guy kicks them all over.

This cycle happens again.

Bartender, now pretty ticked off at the mess and waste and says "Hey buddy, what's with the little guy?"

So the rich guy tell him his story...

"So it started 3 months ago, i was walking along this beach and i kicked over this bottle. Out pops this genie! He gave me three wishes. First wish, i asked for that Ferrari outside, [as he points to the car out the front door], as you can see, i got it. Next i asked for an unlimited supply of money [as he points to the wad of cash on the bar], and as you can see, i got that. Next, i asked for a 12 inch pr__k [pointing to the little guy on his shoulder]..."
 
Who really loves you?

On a hot day, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and leave them there for 2 hours. When you open the trunk up, your dog will be so happy to see you.
 
A man took his dog to the vet. "Sorry," said the vet, "but your dog is dead". Distraught man asks the vet for a second opinion-- the vet brings in the practice cat. Cat sniffs around-- no response from dog. Vet says "sorry, but your dog is dead". Man insists on a third opinion, so vet brings in the practice labrador. Practice dog sniffs around--no response from man's dog. Reluctantly the man accepts his dog is dead. On the way out, the receptionist gives him a bill for £1000. "Good grief,what is this for? "Well, said the receptionist, "it's £50 for the vet, £300 for the catscan and £600 for the lab report.
 
RobStanley said:
Who really loves you?

On a hot day, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and leave them there for 2 hours. When you open the trunk up, your dog will be so happy to see you.
Click to expand...

You know, i tried this once, and you're right!
 
A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink?"
The bartender says "for you, no charge."


And yes, I actually laughed a little when I first heard that.
 
A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says,

"What is this, some kind of joke?"
 
True story:

It was about 2:00 am at the NICU where Kim had just been moved from the emergency room after the hit and run. Her boyfriend who had been with her at the time was off by himself leaning on a rail overlooking the hospital atrium. His mother approached me and said that he was afraid I was going to blame him for the accident.

I went over to talk to him, assured him that I understood that there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. He kinda perked up, and said, "There's still hope that one of these days she will wake up, look at us and say Roll Tide."

And I said, "No, Reeves, we're praying that there will be no permanent brain damage."
 
A farmer buys a new young cock. As soon as he gets it home, the cock rushes in and bangs all the 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock bangs all 150 hens again. Now, the farmer starts getting worried. The next day, he finds the cock banging the ducks, the geese and the lone parrot too. That evening, the farmer finds the cock laying out in the open field..pale..half-dead and vultures circling over its head. "You horny bastard ! You deserve this." he tells the cock. The cock opens 1 eye slowly, points up and replies, "Sshhhh! Don't shout.. Im waiting for them to land.."
 
Mike-The-Knife said:
My wife has been missing a week now. The police called and said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.


............................................
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS :emot-yarr:
Click to expand...



I shouldn't think that this one is funny because I will be a wife someday, but I can't stop laughing!!!!
 
RobStanley said:
Who really loves you?

On a hot day, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car and leave them there for 2 hours. When you open the trunk up, your dog will be so happy to see you.
Click to expand...

Mike-The-Knife said:
My wife has been missing a week now. The police called and said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes
back.


............................................
HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS :emot-yarr:
Click to expand...


These two crack me up!! Not just these two but today, these two!! Love love love this thread :D
 
tempey said:
A neutron walks in to a bar and asks the bartender "how much for a drink?"
The bartender says "for you, no charge"
Click to expand...

I should've read the other jokes before posting mine. That's the only one I know that is family friendly.
 
Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, “Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon.”

The captain tells the man,” Get my red coat and prepare for battle!”

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant “If I was shot you would not be able to tell I’m bleeding and you would keep fighting.”

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, “Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!”

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him “Get me my brown pants!”

:D

There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.

So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.

Two hours later the squawking stopped.

The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, “Okay I’ll stop cussing, but I have one question”.

The boy said, “What”?

The Parrot asks, “What did the turkey do”???
 
mikeh said:
true story:

it was about 2:00 am at the nicu where kim had just been moved from the emergency room after the hit and run. Her boyfriend who had been with her at the time was off by himself leaning on a rail overlooking the hospital atrium. His mother approached me and said that he was afraid i was going to blame him for the accident.

I went over to talk to him, assured him that i understood that there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. He kinda perked up, and said, "there's still hope that one of these days she will wake up, look at us and say roll tide."

and i said, "no, reeves, we're praying that there will be no permanent brain damage."
Click to expand...


:) such an inspiration!
WAR EAGLE!!!
 
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