I messed up with my woman...

T

Thingus995

Joined
Oct 1, 2009
Messages
243
I guess I just need somewhere to vent.. Seems the select few of my friends who I've discussed the situation with have gone awol and/or I'm too ashamed to discuss it with the rest so a public forum seems the perfect place to air out my mistakes... Let me preface this by saying that I am completely and fully aware that this is my fault, that has never and was never for an instant, a question in my mind...

Today my girlfriend of about a year went through my cell phone while i was in the shower (we do not live together, i spent the night down there, nor am I upset about her going through my phone... I have not done that to her, but i shouldnt have had anything like what i had in there). She found me having an inappropriate conversation with one of my best friends (a lady). Stormed off down the street on the phone... I took off after her and she told me to leave her alone for 5 minutes... I did... Packed my stuff up and left... She texted me this: "It is 110% my fault for what just happened, but ive broken the trust in this relationship and i cant even comprehend how i feel. Nobody should say those things to their best friend jack. I feel worthless, and no, this relationship isnt at its best but i would never talk to someone the way you talked to her."

I asked if it was ok and went back and talked to her... She is understandably hurt... I have no idea why i had that conversation in all honesty... This woman (my girlfriend) is absolutely incredible. She deals with all my crap (losing my job, complaining about my current job, complaining about not being able to get enlisted yet, my gear addiction, etc) and has put up with our long distance relationship for a year... Was talking to my friend like that worth it? Absolutely not... I hurt an incredible woman who means the world to me. As I was driving home from our face to face talk (it was brief.. She and I both cried a bit, I had nothing to say, I walked out of the room and came back to apologize... she pulled me onto the bed with her and hugged me and we cried... i went and got us tissue and left following that) she sent me this: "i can always forgive but i can never forget and thats the difficulty. space is probably just what we both need right now. I care about you deeply but i am beyond hurt. Things will always work out for the best, dont destroy yourself over this. Drive safely please xx"

I get home and go meet up with my brother to discuss my idiocy when she messages me asking if i am home... This woman, is clearly too good for me, to ask if i made it home safely after an issue like this... I tell her that "i am and that the soy milk i had (regular milk drinker and shes a vegetarian for the most part) was indeed now trying to kill me, but that i know that is no consolation" to make some levity... I havent heard anything since... Upon several peoples recommendations I called her a couple hours ago... nothing.. I left no voicemail... I intend on telling her goodnight and that i love her, and the same thing in the morning...

How do I get her back? If i need to end the friendship, it is a non-issue, I will do it. I never touched my friend and she never touched me. There has never been a physical relationship with anyone else while she and I have been together (or were together... I dont even know.) I am, at the present, calming my nerves with some wine... I haven't been able to eat today, and feel sick to my stomach, accordingly considering the scumbag I am...

I love this girl and I messed up... I want to fix it...

Thanks for listening...
- Jack
 
I hope everything works out, bro. Maybe show her this post? Good luck. We all do things we regret.
 
Thanks, I definitely appreciate it... Definitely trying to figure out what to do... I'm absolutely not ready to give up on this yet... If I go down, it will definitely be fighting
 
Heck yeah, tell her exactly what you wrote in this post, but hand write it in a letter. Persue her like you never have before. Show her you are in love with her and that you are willing to fight for her.
 
Forgiveness is one of the most important qualities a person can have for a meaningful and LASTING relationship.

This sounds like a fantastic opportunity to see if she has this quality or not. This might determine whether she really is the right woman for you or not.

Sure, make it abundantly clear how sorry you are, how you truly understand what you did was stupid and wrong on every level, and then tell her how much you love her.

And then RELAX and don't fall apart at the thought this might be the end of this relationship. It might be, it might not be. IT's up to her.

If this is the end, then she was not the right one, the last year together has been a waste of time, and the right one is still out there waiting for you to find her (and eventually I'm sure you will).

Good luck.
 
Yeah, we all been in similar situation before, like emanuel says, forgiveness is one of the most important qualities a person must have for a lasting relationship. If shes not, then you will have problems later on down the line. Huge problems.

Take your time.... There are Millions of fish in the sea... You sound like a young dude, dont be upset, she may be a great girl im sure i had many of em, but its a scary thing to get married and make a mistake like this or any stupid mistake and have your girl now your wife hanging shit over your head for the rest of your life... Take- your- time- give her space and look if it was meant to be it will be... If not and it doesnt work out, then its time to at least go and finish what you started with your friend and get some since she messed u up with your girl amd move on.... That would make you feel better if all else fails, trust.... I know im supposed to tell you to hang on but sounds like your girl aint having it. And she will never trust you again and you didnt even stick it to your friend. She will be paranoid and always checking your phone amd email and you will always be looking over your shoulder amd defending yourself- i know this prob isnt what you want to hear but im giving you some real world advice
 
The issue is trust, you betrayed her trust you cannot get that back you have to earn it. Married 24 years here, so this advice is solid and it works. Grow up! If you love this woman the ONLY relationship you should have with is her. You cannot have friends who are other women. It is not appropriate. You can have guy friends, friends who are couples, and friendship with the woman you love. Period thats it. Do not place yourself in situations wherey ou are alone with other women. Let your woman know her schedule every day. Also let her know you ONLY have eyes for her.
 
Ren the devils trailboss said:
The issue is trust, you betrayed her trust you cannot get that back you have to earn it. Married 24 years here, so this advice is solid and it works. Grow up! If you love this woman the ONLY relationship you should have with is her. You cannot have friends who are other women. It is not appropriate. You can have guy friends, friends who are couples, and friendship with the woman you love. Period thats it. Do not place yourself in situations wherey ou are alone with other women. Let your woman know her schedule every day. Also let her know you ONLY have eyes for her.
Click to expand...

Totally agree. Many men today believe they should be able to keep their female friendships once you become involved in a serious relationship. You can not. It is unfair to your girl. How would you feel if she was texting and hanging out with another guy?
 
She isn't going to trust you again for a long time, if ever. As your best friend is a girl, she will always wonder if there was/is something more. It sounds to me like maybe you should let her go as you seem to have some feelings for your best friend.
 
Ren speaks the truth. You have got to let the best friend that is a girl go. If both of these women care for you as much as you seem to think, they both will understand.
 
Thanks for the responses guys... She ended up messaging me a couple hours after I posted this, she was out drinking (fairly unusual for her, she's not a big drinker) and we talked back and forth for an hour or so... I was getting conflicting signals from her, she told me "she can't see an us right now, she doesn't know how to be with someone who will ever do that to her" and then tells me to be safe, and finishes her message with the little "x"... I can't tell if thats good or bad... I only got about 3 hours of sleep last night and most of that was wine induced... The friend is gone, I've got no problems doing that. I appreciate the advice, and will definitely heed it...

Thank you all,
-jack
 
Don't take this as me being mean but I was thinking about this today. Do you think maybe something is missing in your relationship?
Maybe that's the reason you were talking to your female friend the way you were? I've had those feelings a time or two but only
when something is missing from a relationship. Just something to think about. Maybe she's not the one for you after all.
 
Any advice, thoughts or suggestions from someone who has taken the time to read this thread, and give me their input, will not be met with hostility, or anger or anything of that nature... I do not feel like I am capable of articulating the appreciation I have for everyone who has posted in this thread... To take the time out of your day, read a complete strangers sniveling post and add constructive insight... Well, not everyone will do that... So thank you :)

As far as your thoughts... I am of the opinion that it is still too early to tell... She and I have been in a bit of a rough patch (one year hump I think) but we still have (had) a good time together, and were happy... The passion was definitely there in the bedroom, but the distance is an issue, and the once a week or so visitations made it difficult to spend really solid time with each other... I think that was a contributing factor... We both had our days, sometimes a bad day would coincide with our visit... Sometimes we had to attempt to articulate our feelings via phone or text message or whatever else... I think that didnt help either... In the social media environment these days, I find it is a challenge to read someones feelings, thoughts, hopes whatever over written word... Shes not big on communicating either... Getting her to open up about something was worse than any teeth pulling dental visit I've ever had... I wasnt planning to slap a ring on her finger yet, and she wasnt ready (neither of us were/are)... I will certainly keep that thought in mind, but i feel like its too early to tell still... How this situation plays out will be a big indicator of future possibilities...

Many thanks everyone,
Jack
 
I am taking a wild guess that I am probably closer to your age group than most so this advice may seem a bit strange to others. Todays relationships are nothing like those of your grandparents or even your parents, they are more like hook-ups and "finding true love" is basically a thing of the past. So in other words you are being too nice and should have had a cover plan for when she decided to look at your phone. You should have fired back with "why were you going through my phone" and whatever excuse you could come up with for the text messages. Should have played the game a little better and not showed that much emotion because women are masters of the game and now you will need to work 10x harder if you really do want her back. Personally I'd simply move on.

One more thing, don't show her this thread, don't text her, don't call her, don't write her, if you don't hear from her in a few days then call. If you don't hear back within a few hours of that call then you got a pretty good idea of the situation.
 
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I will second not callling her. You've apologized, don't grovel. The tone of any relationship is set at the beginning. A guy will often
go along with the girl because he is happy to be with her. Most girls will take over and try to become the boss. Eventually you
get tired of that and rebel. Usually it is too late and the relationship can't be saved. Just think Jon & Kate (yes, I saw a little of
that horrible show.)
 
Sorry for this off-topic, but I wanted to reply to this part:
knifenut1013 said:
Todays relationships are nothing like those of your grandparents or even your parents, they are more like hook-ups and "finding true love" is basically a thing of the past.
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I'm definitely no expert, but I do think that there are still exceptions and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with trying to stick to these goals. I am witness of several relationships of younger couples who do intent to stay married and try to love each other for the rest of their lives. Most of them are christians and I do believe that they will succeed (on a sidenote: I believe it makes a great difference if it's a relationsship just between two human beings or between 2 human beings AND God).
But this is just the opinion of someone who isn't married (and who hopes/believes/waits that God may grant him to find the woman of the rest of his life (and be found by her) and that he may do his part in that story) - so I'm more of a layman...
 
Yes, there is always exceptions but cultures change and the majority is the number we have to look at. Look at college dating, wanna get laid a lot?

I know what you are trying to say because I tried myself, truth is, reality is a cold slap in the face.
 
I was hoping my first post on this wonderful forum would be something else, but I gotta say this: everyone's got secrets, and everyone keeps them from people. There ain't no perfect people on this planet, and we all mess up. I think what happened with you and your female friend was just that you were not thinking about it and it sort of slipped out. There was no one there to pour cold water on you and say, "Hey! You're crossing a line." But it doesn't sound like you were thinking of cheating. A lot of people have little stuff like that on the side... an "office spouse" or a good "friend" at church or whatever. It's part of human nature. She didn't need to know about it because there was nothing really there.

The simple fact is: she shouldn't have been going through your phone. Period.

I've said my two cents.

- G
 
So, I'm guessing this involved sexually explicit texts sent to and from another girl? You're supposed to delete those. Oh, any girl who tried sneaking a look at data on my phone, computer, notepad, or going through my wallet and pockets? She's getting kicked to the curb. TRUST is the most important thing to me in any relationship -- if I cannot trust someone, I don't want anything to do with them. She is a sneaky, deceitful, high strung, neurotic, drama queen and you are better off without her. I bet she was flirting with other guys while drinking last night. But you guys aren't engaged or married, so you both are free to do whatever you want.
 
I second don't call. If she calls you, that's fine. Pick up.

Wait a few days to a week. Send her flowers to her work along with a card (some flower shops will let you write a message on a card; this works too). Wait til you hear back from her after the flowers get delivered. Prosper.

And learn from your mistakes. As someone else already said, when you have a relationship with a girl you love, all other lady friends have to be cut off, ESPECIALLY the pretty ones.

And quit sexting!
 
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