I've caught the giveaway/contest bug!

W

woofington

Joined
Sep 15, 2012
Messages
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Bladeforums has taught me so much ever since I found it, and the members here are the nicest too!
So how to win the giveaway/contest is to make me laugh! Yep, that is all you have to do. There will be two winners, and they get to decide between four different things, which are a kershaw blur(tanto&serrated), Buck 110(with sheath), 100 ft. of tan paracord, or a Ontario rat-1(green handle&serrations).
The rule is 4 posts maximum per member. I will choose the winners in the next couple of days.
Thanks BladeForums!,
Brandon
 
OK, I'll give it a shot... a little joke, kinda religiously themed, but not distasteful:

So, Jesus was just beginning his ministry and he was working out new lessons for the crowds; he came upon an angry mob that was getting ready to stone a 'prostitute.' This, he thought was a great opportunity, and so he rushed into their midst with his hands raised crying out: "Stop! Let ye without sin cast the first stone!" He was pleased to see the mob drop their stones and settle down... but, then, from the very back of the crowd an older woman miraculously raised a massive stone and totally crushed the prostitute. Jesus looked at her with bewilderment and shouted: "Ma! If you're gonna be following me around and interfering...!

good luck to all who enter and thanks for the chance
 
I'll follow the religious theme, but not distasteful at all.

One day a little boy asked his father the preacher why he always bowed his head before he would preach. The preacher said "Well, I'm asking Jesus to give me a good sermon".
The little boy thought about that for a moment and then asked "Then why don't he?"

Um and another with the same theme:
One day the little boy asked his father the preacher, while he was writing his sermon for the following sunday how he knew what to preach. The Preacher said "Well, God tells me what to say."
The little boy thought about that for a moment and then said "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Thanks very much for the chance and the great give away!

I'd love to win that Buck 110!
 
A duck walks in to a grocery store & goes up to the counter and asks the manager "do you have any duck food ?" And the man says no we don't sell duck food & we don't allow ducks in the store so get out !

The next day the duck walks in the store and asks the man "do you have any duck food?" The man replies no we don't sell duck food & we don't allow ducks in the store! Get out and don't come back !

The next day the duck walks in the store and asks the man "do you have any duck food?" And very angry the man replies no we don't sell duck food & I told you we don't allow ducks in the store ! If you ever come back in here I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!!

The next day the duck walks in the store and asks the man "do you have any nails ?" The man replies NO we don't have any nails ! Then the duck asks "do you have any duck food ?"
 
Very generous giveaway Brandon, This is not an entry but I'll try to make ya laugh anyway,

Seein' as how winter is nearly here and people are already Ice fishin' up north I figured I'd tell a tale about a conversation I overheard while I was settin' next to two brothers fishin' in an Icehole outside their tent.

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing, after arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro walks over and asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Not wantin' to seem ignorant Jethro nods his head in aggrement and goes back to his hole a little more confused.

Another hour goes by and Jethro walks back and says, "I'm sorry I must have misunderstood you before, what did you say?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro once more nods his head in aggrement and goes back to his hole yet again completely bewildered.

After still another hour to mull over what Billy Bob said before Jethro walks back one final time and says, "Look I don't know what you said before or the time before that but ya gotta tell me, how the heck is it you keep pullin' fish outta the hole and I haven't got a bite yet, what's your secret?"


Billy Bob looks at him, spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
 
Thanks T. Erdelyi! that joke gave me a chuckle :D ! and just letting everyone know, puns really get me to laughing hard!
 
A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
 
Although somewhat childish... What's the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart. It can cut through your pants without even making a hole.
 
puns huh? a little edgy, I guess...

Did you hear about the circus performer that got laid off? It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
 
OK, one more... I'm getting close to my posting limit here:

I filed a report about the hole that's been found in the nudist colony's wall. The cops are looking into it.
 
If I happen to tickle your funny bone, I'd love the 110. If not, thanks again for a great distraction from work.
 
These made me laugh listening to a local radio station..They are "Confucius Say" jokes and the radio DJ says these in a heavy asian accent..He also pauses and usually starts laughing before he finishes, kinda making it more funny....

"Confucius Say"----------Man who run in front of car,,,get tired.....

"Confucius Say"----------Baseball is wrong????....Man with four balls cannot walk.........

"Confucius Say"---------Woman who wear G-string,,,,,high on crack......

"Confucius Say"---------Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways,,,,Going to Bangkok......

The radio station is WDVE..Probably the most popular Pittsburgh station.
CD
 
These have to be clean?

During a hockey game, a woman realizes that there's an empty seat next to her. Since the tickets were so expensive, she asks the man next to that seat if he knew who sat there. He replied, "well, my wife was supposed to, but sadly she died of lung cancer last week." The woman expressed her condolences, and asked, "don't you have any friends who'll come and see the game with you?" The man told her, "I do, but they're all at her funeral."

Why does God use Spydercos? Because they're holy!
[No offense to any other company]
 
Handout from one of the teachers at the high school

33zclmx.png
 
fourth and final joke:

A young boy swallowed four quarters and his mom rushed him to the emergency room. When his dad called from work to ask about his condition, the mom said 'No change yet'.

danke schoen -- I vill bee heer oll uv der veek...
 
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