I've caught the giveaway/contest bug!

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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
 
The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.
 
From my math teacher:

A man gets pulled over while drinking. The officer tells him, "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" The man replies, "No, but your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
This one from the campus police at my alma mater:

Suspicious Person: Several UT Police Officers responded to Room 8 after receiving various alarms within minutes of each other. Officers discovered entry into the room had been made through the ceiling. The A/C ceiling vent was laying on the floor along with dust and other ceiling materials. Officers began searching the office and discovered a masked non-UT subject attempting to hide by hanging onto the wall molding and a window blind. The subject refused to comply with the officers requests to come out with his hands up. The subject even refused the officers coaxing when the officer handed over the Jack in the Box French Fries. The non-UT subject escaped through an open window and evaded the officers. The non-UT subject was described as: Three feet tall, last seen wearing a brown and black stripped coat, furry gloves and black mask over his eyes. Occurred on: 11-20-12, at 2:41 AM.
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Joke 1:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
 
Number 2:

There once was a woman who got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
 
Joke 4:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
 
Number 3:

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'.
 
Last one:

Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?

A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
 
I was out hunting one day, when I saw another hunter asleep on a log. He had been gutting his freshley killed deer when he had to go to the bathroom. I took the gut pile and quietly placed it under his rear. A couple hours later, I saw the same hunter when I was walking out of the woods. I said "whats wrong? You look like youve seen a ghost." He replied " No, but I somehow crapped my guts out. But don't worry, thanks to the good lord and a stick I got them all back in."
 
Here's joke number one .. none of these are meant to offend anyone


How do you know you're at a gay picnic?



All of the hot dogs taste like shit
 
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