I've caught the giveaway/contest bug!

I'm not in for the contest, I have been blessed beyond belief (and what I deserve)... just wanted to share a joke.

One summer night during a severe thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small son into bed. She was about to turn the light off when he asked in a trembling voice, “Mommy, will you stay with me all night?” Smiling, the mother gave him a warm, reassuring hug and said tenderly, “I can’t dear. I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence followed. At last it was broken by a shaky voice saying, “The big sissy!”

Merry Christmas to you all!
 
colekmiller11 said:
I was out hunting one day, when I saw another hunter asleep on a log. He had been gutting his freshley killed deer when he had to go to the bathroom. I took the gut pile and quietly placed it under his rear. A couple hours later, I saw the same hunter when I was walking out of the woods. I said "whats wrong? You look like youve seen a ghost." He replied " No, but I somehow crapped my guts out. But don't worry, thanks to the good lord and a stick I got them all back in."
Click to expand...
Ok guys the contest/giveaway has closed, i didnt think you guys could get me laughing so quickly! colekmiller has won the second prize! colekmiller, could you email me which prize you want? My email is tacoman919@aol.com . the buck 110 was already won.
 
Cool idea. I need some joke ammo for work, this came along just in time.

This one is one of the funniest things I've seen, but I guess you had to be there.

I was at the coffee shop, as was a fireman and tons of other customers. A little boy (5 ish? years old) was quizzing the fireman about his recent calls. The fireman told him about the apartment fire they had just put out. The kid got real quiet and looked quite confused.
"Why do they call them apartments when they're all together?", he asked.
I blew hot coffee out my nose. Never really thought about it before... kinda makes sense. Gotta love the way kids look at things sometimes.

Wasn't looking to win... hoping for more jokes.
 
Great stuff so far. Thanks for a fun contest and your generosity.

Here's my four.Old school book jokes.

"Cellophane Bikini" by Seymour Hare

"Tigers Revenge" by Claud Balls

"Polish Milkmaid" by Ipull Titsky

"Purple River" by I.P. Peculiar
 
Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.
-Confucius

....as small child.
 
Great giveaway, I love corny jokers, and it's good to see I'm not the only one! :D Congrats to the winners and thanks again.
 
I know contest is over, but I thought up another good one

Back when I used to work in the ER, we had this prank we would pull around July every year (when the new batch of interns come fresh out of medical school)... we would take the urine analysis cups, and pour apple juice in them, and then pour a bit on the UA dipstick. Then we would go up to the intern and say, "This guy's urine glucose is off the charts!!" And they would start getting excited and start looking at the results. Meanwhile we would say, "sure smells funny too...", and then take a big gulp of it.

I've had one intern puke, and quite few dry heave :p
 
Ok...my try..

Simple but sweet.

What is red, but smells like blue paint?


-


-



-



- Red paint.
 
Haha i like the following it's one of my favourites


Bill Gates goes to purgatory.

St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."


:D
 
Okay, I know the contest is over, but the laughs are worth keeping this thread going.

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny says "Screw the pills! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!?
 
One more, that gets me giggling every time:

Baby Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.
 
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