Jokes.... Just for Giggles

texastonydobbs

texastonydobbs

Joined
May 25, 2007
Messages
15,113
Why Parents Drink --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy..
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren..


Love, Your Son John


PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.



The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???




OH, come on... take a guess !!!




Think about it !!!




You're going to love this !!!




Everyone knows....

You can't killTwo Birds

withOneStone !!!
 
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!




If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
The Wallmart greeter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty, woman walked into Wal-Mart with her
two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The
Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly 'Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't.'
'The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice.'

'Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Grandma's Boyfriend

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting,

he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come
you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can
sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good
and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs,
trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the
backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there

stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
 
Confucius say...

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sits on jockey’s lap get hot tip.

Girl who sits on judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

He who run behind bus get exhausted.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
 
Sex In The Dark

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids


GHETTO SPELLING

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
use each vocabulary word in a sentence .

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb!

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, 'man, it look fake.' He say , 'Bullshit, that watch israel .'


9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, 'Do you plan on stain for dinner?'

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, 'how much?' she say 'fortify.'

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word: Today's word is :'OMELETTE'

Let us use it in a sentence...

'I should pop yo ass fo FORWARDIN dis, but omelette dis one slide.'


BLACK TESTICLES


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.


Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
 
Koala & lizard

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint


when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,


'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.


After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.


The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.


A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,


'What's the matter with you?'


The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,


'Hey you!'





So the koala looked down at him and said,



'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude.....


How much water did you drink?!!'



Levels of Hangovers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Levels of Hangovers


One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Pepsi's and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 2:00 AM Denny's excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke, yet you still haven't peed once!


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face, or ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars....Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.




Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually
annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose-like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater ' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be only to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now!








THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon





THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate





THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK :

1.) Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2.) Nope, no more booze for me.

3.) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4.) Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

5.) Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

6.) Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
 
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked..

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman "..

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
 
A couple was waiting in a restaurant when the waitress came to take their order.
The man said “I’ll have a steak and baked potato.”
The waitress asked “How would you like that cooked?”
He answered “Rare!”
She replied “Aren’t you worried about Mad Cow?”
He answered “NO, she can order whatever she wants!”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife tells her husband “For our anniversary I want to go somewhere different, Somewhere we haven’t been a thousand times.”
He answered “What about the kitchen!”
 
Dan was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just
told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping trip
because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening to
the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4
friends Dan left to go back home to his wife.

When Dan's friends started arriving to set up camp the
following day who should be there but Dan sitting up
in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp
oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?" "I didn't
have to" was Dan's reply. "When I left the meeting I went
home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my
sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, surprise!!

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a
beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me
into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do
whatever you want."

So Here I am!
 
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into
the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story............


Pay your bills
 
THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
imported cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with
congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house he was met at the door
by a strikingly beautiful young blonde
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand,
gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, .......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "...Screw him ........give him a dollar."

The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my idea



little Joey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where
are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was
walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if
I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and
no bike!





Be strong honey!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds
a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of
her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain..do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I Love you, too
 
Great stuff!

We have truly digressed to nothing more than bottom feeders on this forum...

And I love it!
 
texastonydobbs said:
little Joey

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother
just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where
are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was
walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom
you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if
I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and
no bike!
Click to expand...

Now that is funny.
 
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
 
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