Jokes.... Just for Giggles

Changing my name

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A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable, and blushed. "I'm sorry, l do apologise" she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
 
Sunday School
The Nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together In front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'O God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."
 
Worthy of Heaven
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed.

"When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago."
 
Viva Las Vegas
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers 7 come 11 all night and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean... my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."


Questions
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree, and a gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common ?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a five minute ride.

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or a redhead?
A: The blonde -- she's eighteen.

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A woman will not take a 3.50 inch floppy.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.


Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
 
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Philosophy of Hypocrisy and Ambiguity
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
 
Think Before Answering
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,"Pillsbury All-purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant........
 
Sex is like Math
add the bed

subtract the clothes

divide the legs

and pray to God you don't multiply!!




Deep Thoughts #1
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.




Deep Thoughts #2
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration




Car Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us
 
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance & see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fullfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
 
24 hours to live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so
they make love.
About 6 hours later, the
husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one
more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees,
and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into
bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has
only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's
shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please.... just one
more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time..
After this session, the wife
rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning.... you don't.'

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the talking dog


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'




'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'


The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said:


'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we d o monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
 
The lying dog getting sold, I love that joke, I really havn'ty laughed that hard in a long time.
 
The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting......

'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband...

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams.

'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
 
Getting Older

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis
 
Snoring

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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.


"Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual the wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.


Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies.. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon trick might work on him too, so she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly all night.


In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom, where he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or what we did. but, by God, we took first and second place!"
 
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