Jokes.... Just for Giggles

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Jeff home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Jeff arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Jeff thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"


Do you know what Rodeo Sex is?

It's when you mount your woman from behind, start going nice and slowly, take her hair and pull her head back slightly and whisper in her ear "Your sister was better than you...", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
 
texastonydobbs said:
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Click to expand...

Since this was up twice....
I was just wondering...
What were you doing that caused "malfunction" of the mouse button?
 
I'm gonna give this a try, i remeber the joke, though it is not verbatum. so here we go.

A marine MSGT is standing tall and proud with all his war ribbons, and hashmarks proudly polished and freshly pressed next to the bar at a whitehouse dinner. A press core hottie walks over and asks him if hes having a good time. to which the Msgt said why "Yes Mam I am." She said "you don't sound like it, have you had a drink yet?"

"Yes, mam I have." the press core chick says "you should loosen up, when was the last time you got laid?" The Msgt looked over at the girl cracked a smile, and said "1953". the press core chick says "Oh, no that just won't do, lets run off somewhere and take care of your little problem, i like men in uniform"

When they were finished in a private room off from the party, the press core chick wipes the sweat from her forhead and exclaimed "you certainly havn't forgotten anything in all these years, that was great" the MSGT looked over and cracked another smile. he said "no mam, 19:53 was 2 hours ago"
 
This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
called me out of the blue to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used
to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting
up and rekindling a little of that "old magic". Wow! I was
flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit
older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the
challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a
few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
tone -- everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and
she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*ck off.
 
Mommy Almost Died

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she definitely would have gone, Daddy."
 
Oldie but goodie: Making Babies.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

One liners :D


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.








What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag








Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.








What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts












Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.








What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.








What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.








What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs








What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes












What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.









Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.









Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?





Because those men already have boyfriends.









What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you














Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.














Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.














What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.














What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"









Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
















Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virgini a ?
Everyone has the same DNA.














Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.














Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
















Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.







Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"














What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".














How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!














What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....



Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
 
I fired my secretary today, read here to find out why.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy birthday".

I thought... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "Let's go to my apartment".

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back".

"OK", I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked...
 
Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are

having a bad day???

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was a flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.


################################################

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ***

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

================================================== =====

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
__________________
 
A young man is in bed with his gorgeous Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bit, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks;

"Why do you love doing that ?"


She replies:

"Because I really miss mine..."
:confused: :eek: :barf: :D :p
 
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?

It's Braille for "suck here".

What's the difference between an american girl and a arab girl?

The american girl gets stoned before she commits adultery.


Why do Jewish fathers have their sons circumcised?

They know Jewish women can't resist anything with 10% off!


Why do midgets laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls


What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

Gagged.


A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder
On Michael Jackson’s Death…

....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . .. …. .. .. . … ..
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . … .. . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
...... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
....... ... ... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff ?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . .... ....” :p
 
Are you the father?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a gorgeous
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to
him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her
from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I
screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend
whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my Ass?"

"No," she replies,

"I'm your son's English Teacher"
 
Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and
says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."



Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh. "The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"



Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
Yes, I did." he replied.
My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
Oh...she got fired too."



Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


Boots --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. I t wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to
keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,
this time, on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather
than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she
wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the
boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she
mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots
on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now,
where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
 
texastonydobbs said:
Top Four Adult Jokes




Boots --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she
could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the
wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. I t wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to
keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,
this time, on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue, rather
than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she
wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the
boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she
mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots
on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now,
where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Click to expand...

So, was he looking down her shirt the entire time? is the point of the joke?:confused::confused::confused::confused:
 
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

The following are said to be actual maintenance complaints of pilots (P) and their solutions as documented by the maintenance crew (S).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

______________
RAT Pack #28
 
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