Jokes.... Just for Giggles

> A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
> 'Dad,
> > > what is the
> > >
> > > difference between potentially and
> realistically?' :confused:
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The father thought for a moment, then answered,
> 'Go ask
> > > your mother if
> > >
> > > she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
> dollars. :D
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad
> Pitt for
> > > a million
> > >
> > > dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
> sle ep with
> > > Brad Pitt for a
> > >
> > > million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
> learn from
> > > that.'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > So the boy went to his mother and asked,
> 'Would you
> > > sleep with Brad Pitt
> > >
> > > for a million dollars?' The mother replied,
> 'Of
> > > course I would! We could
> > >
> > > really use that money to fix up the house and
> send you kids
> > > to a great
> > >
> > > University!'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The boy then went to his sister and asked,
> 'Would you
> > > sleep with Brad
> > >
> > > Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl
> replied, 'Oh
> > > my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt!
> > >
> > > I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you
> nuts?'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The boy then went to his brother and asked,
> 'Would you
> > > sleep with Brad
> > >
> > > Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of
> course,' the
> > > brother replied. 'Do you know
> > >
> > > how much a million bucks would buy?'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The boy pondered the answers for a few days and
> then went
> > > back to his
> > >
> > > dad.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > His father asked him, 'Did you find out the
> difference
> > > between
> > >
> > > potentially and realistically?'
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I
> are
> > > sitting on three
> > >
> > > million dollars, :confused: :D but Realistically, we're
> living with
> > > two hookers and a homo.


:D :eek: :p
 
The rich man and the bank. From memory so i hope the stuff leading to the punch line is decent.

A man drives up to a large New York bank in his Ferrari parks it out front and walks in. He asks to see a representative about a $1000 dollar loan.

The representative walks over and says he would love to helps him with that, Why do you need a loan, and I like to know what you could offer as collateral on the loan.

the man says I am leaving town for vacation in the islands and would like a little spending cash, and then asks the representative if he could accept the Ferrari as collateral, and if the bank had the facilities to hold it, until he got back from his vacation.

The representative, looking more than a little puzzled says of course, I think we can proceed with processing this loan, wihtout any further delay, he processes the loan, takes reciept of the ferrari, and the man leaves with his $1000.

A month goes by, and the man walks in the bank and asks to see the same representative again. when the Rep asks him what he needs, the man said I would like to pay off the $1000 today in cash. Again with the puzzled look, the Rep. cannot hold his questions any longer, "sir, while you were on vacation, i looked into your credit history, and we learned you are a self-made millionaire living in New York, why on earth would you need a $1000 dollar loan from us to take a vacation?"


The man replied, "Where else am I going to leave my Ferrari in New york for only $1000 and expect it to be there when i return after a month?"
 
Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . . . . . . . . "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
 
luckykitty said:
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. ..................
Click to expand...

ROTFLMFAO! :thumbup::thumbup: :) That is some seriously funny stuff! Thanks for that. Actually, thanks to everyone who's posted in this thread. I've never heard of the majority of these. Happy Friday!
--
Splat
 
Two Aggies are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come
upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by
the size of it.

The first Aggie says, 'Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the
bottom, I wonder how deep it is?' The second Aggie says, 'I don't
know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it
takes to hit bottom.'

The first Aggie says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a
hand and we'll throw it in and see'. So they pick it up and carry it
over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they
hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they
see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with
no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the
hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer walks up. 'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

The first Aggie says, 'Funny you should ask, but we were just
standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this
hole here!'

And the old farmer said, 'Why that's impossible, I had him chained
to a transmission!'
 
A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Management Course
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift..

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6 ;

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
 
A priest and a nun were traveling through the desert on the back of a camel. All of a sudden the camel fell out dead. The priest looked at the nun and said "we're in the middle of the desert, we're surely going to die"! The nun replied "I know, what are we going to do"? The priest said "have you ever experienced making love"? The nun replied "Why no I haven't, is that Ok with our Heavenly Father"? The priest then said, "we have both been good servants of the Lord, surely he would find mercy at such a time". He then disrobed the young nun. After doing so he also disrobed. The young nun saw his dick sticking straight up in the air and asked "what is that"? The priest pointed to his stiff dick and said "this GIVES LIFE"!! The nun very quickly replied "well stick it in that camel then, and lets get the Hell outa here!!!
__________________
 
There are a lot of morals in those stories, very entertaining, I beg you to keep it up
 
THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late..

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments. "answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
..
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
Viagra

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DOUBLE DOSE

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't prescribe him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there were any side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up...."
 
Ole

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?
 
MY PRIVATE PART DIED




An old man, Mr.. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy.. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said,
'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace.
'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that,
but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'




'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'
 
Lone Rangers Last Request

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Lone Ranger's

Last Request



The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.







The Indian Chief proclaims,





"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ...







"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds,



"I'd like to speak to my horse."





The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns witha beautiful blonde woman on his back.



As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.



Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.





She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief

is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."



"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,

"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to

the Lone Ranger's tent.





Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,



"Listen Very Carefully!!!!"



FOR.... THE... LAST... TIME...



I SAID ....



"BRING POSSE"
 
BELIEVE it or not ,
These are Nashville , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.



Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first
child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
 
An English, Irish and Scotsman have been lost in the desert for days and days.

Jock the Scot say's "Och lads, I think I'm going ta die! When I die would'ya bury ma heed in tha sand so tha vultures wonai peck oot ma eyes?"

The English and Irishman try to console Jock saying he won't die but 2 hours later Jock keels over stone dead.

So the 2 lads bury Jock's head in the sand so the vultures won't peck out his eyes and then they carry on marching.

Later, Johnny the Englishman says "Paddy I think I'm going to die, would you bury my head in the sand so the vultures won't peck out my eyes?" Paddy tries to console Johnny but promises to bury his head in the sand.

2 hours later Johnny dies and Paddy buries his head in the sand so the vultures won't peck out his eyes.

Paddy keeps walking but after a while he thinks "if I die who'll bury my head in the sand so the vultures won't peck out my eyes?".

So Paddy decides to dig a hole in the sand, he puts his head in it and bravely waits to die.

1hr later a passing Bedouin on a camel sees this pale pink arse sticking up in the air. He thinks "I've been in the desert for months, I fancy a right proper shag, that looks perfect". So he sets off hammering poor old Paddy in the arse double time!

Meanwhile, Paddy is shrieking "ye can peck as hard as ye feckin want but ye can't peck me feckin eyes out!!!"
 
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