Major Life Changes...

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jsmatos

jsmatos

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I've been through a really difficult week this week. It started out on Monday evening when I found out that my marriage is over. My husband told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He said that everything has been too difficult for too long, and we haven't been happy for a long time. And here I was thinking that we were working through the hard times together, but what do I know... Anyhow, the first night I spent screaming and crying. I called up family members who were all very supportive but too concerned about my not giving him too much of an ego boost from my pain. But I knew that none of that really mattered. Who cares about such nonsense at a time like that? Nine years of love and devotion just got thrown under the bus. What mattered most was that I needed to say everything that I wanted him to hear. I knew that I didn't want to be sitting up alone at night in my new place wishing I said this or wishing I said that... I called my best friend and, thankfully, she understood. She told me to get it out and not to worry about it. So I did.

By the next evening, I experienced a major shift in attitude. I realized that I had been fighting for this marriage for so very long because I believe so strongly in love and the marital bond. I supported that man through such amazing trials (mostly of his own doing). I did it in large part because of my religious beliefs and also because I love him. As I see it, if someone can turn away from someone who is that devoted and loving, there's something wrong with him. By the second day I realized this. While I'm heartbroken that something that I've worked so hard for is now lost, I'm thankful that I'm being set free to find a place where I'm more appreciated. After all, who would want to spend their lifetime trying to please an unappreciative stranger? I wouldn't take him back if he begged me.

Anyhow, my parents came here this weekend and helped me find a new place to live. Yeah, they burried the hatchet, for the short-term at least, to come to my aid. I'm buying a condo in the heart of Jacksonville. I'll be living 15 minutes from the beach, 15 minutes from downtown, 2 minutes from all of the entertainment that you can imagine, and 20 minutes from work. I think that I have my priorities straight. I now have two ambitions career and FUN. I've spent so long trying to please him, now I'm going to please and spoil myself. I deserve it.

While I am incredibly brittle right now, I think I'm handling everything remarkably well. Most of the day I spend feeling excited and hopeful about my new life. Oddly, I feel a sense of relief too. I don't have to work so hard at something unattainable anymore. Unfortunately, I also have waves of sadness because no matter how much I know that this is the best thing for me, a divorce is a monumental failure. I'm also pretty intimidated because I'm going to be relying completely on myself from here on out. I've run the numbers through my head over and over. I know that I can afford where I'm moving, but I'm still scared. The divorce is going to be incredibly amicable. I don't hate him, I feel sorry for him. I'm going to walk out of this with a clear conscience. I don't want any anger or bitterness hanging over my soul that I have to carry with me into my new life. I'm going to be happy.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let my friends know what is happening in my life. The good news is that I am coming out of this thing battered but still whole. I've always been blessed with great self-confidence. I'm intelligent, loving, I have a great career, and oh yeah, I'm still attractive. I just married the wrong man.

As an aside, as strange as it may sound, this also restored my faith in the fact that God loves me. You see, it was just a couple of months ago that I was doing fertility treatments to have that man's child. The doctor kept telling me how I am amazingly healthy and that he'd be shocked if I couldn't conceive. He told me that I had "perfect ovaries" (if you can believe that). Anyhow, I always felt that God was present and working in my life until I went through those treatments. Each time I got a negative result back I felt more and more like God was turning his back on me. I couldn't believe that he wouldn't bless me with a child when he knew how hard I worked to prepare for the responsibility and how deeply I wanted it. Now I realize, he didn't want to bless me with his child. I begged and pleaded for something I wanted, but God knew what I needed. He's still with me after all... :o

And if you actually made it to the bottom of this post, thank you for reading. Please keep me in your prayers.
 
Jennifer, It is funny the way things sometimes work out. The last five years of my life have been the scariest, most trying of my entire life but in many ways they have been the most rewarding too. I have grown a lot and I am sure that you will too. Judging by your posts you are a survivor and will do well for yourself. The one I feel sorry for is the poor dumb shlub that decided he didn't want to be with you. Smoke sent, God Bless, you are in my prayers.
 
Breaking up is a difficult experience to go through, but you will be better off now that the decision has made itself. Clearly, this wasn't going to work out, and it's good you finally found that out.

Good idea, go out and have fun for a while. Oh, as if I should have to tell you -- amicable or not, make sure you have a good lawyer to check over the technical details.
 
I'm glad that you have seen the good in this situation. I'd like to say you're one of the real people I've seen on these forums, and I think you'll do well. I'll still root/pray for you though. Esav is right, get out there and have some fun, get the good lawyer too. Don't let your ex take you for a ride after what he's done to you.
 
Hang it there, Kiddo. You're too much of a winner, to let this get you down for long.
 
Breaking up was the hardest thing I've ever been through, but it turned out to be for the best... in surprising ways I never could've imagined at the time. I am sure you will soon come to find the good that comes from your divorce, too.

I wish you the best.
 
God bless you!! It takes a whole lot of courage to do what you are doing!! If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, just ask. My prayers and heart are with you during this time. Keep allowing yourself to have all the feelings that you!! You have a GREAT attitude. I wish you all the happiness and love that the world has to offer!!
 
Hey Jennifer.
Divorce is a terrible thing. But understand that none of this is your fault. I firmly believe that honest, good and decent people such as yourself will always land on thier feet. Your ex is a horrible selfish idiot to throw away a love from such a beautiful person as yourself. He is going to hate himself one day when he realizes what he held in his hands and then tossed away...Talk about pearls in front of swine!!

anyway..we are all here for you...and Hey now that fun is a priority..BLADE SHOW BABY!!! ATLANTA...MID JUNE...see you there???? Im buying lunch..
 
Breaking up a long term relationship is always difficult. There are small compensations that come along that grow into new ways of looking at life. I remember waking up one morning a couple of months into it and noticing that I didn't feel guilty any more-it had been all my fault for so long that it had gotten to be a habit.

Take things one day at a time and get to know yourself in the new context as an individual person. It can be a revalation after a long struggle to conform to being an increment of a "couple".

Best of luck to you. I know from your writing that you have the strength and intelligence to move on.
 
jsmatos,

Why not come to Bladeshow this year?

It'll be a fun break, a change of scenery and pace for you. If you book now, the flight from Jacksonville to Atlanta will be cheap. You can doubtlessly leave Thursday after work and return Sunday evening, so you'll only miss one day of work. It'll be a fun three-day weekend.
 
Sorry to hear of your unfortunate news. Marriage is a tough SOB sometimes to deal with and I hope your luck changes for the better. Hang in there and stay strong. Try to have some fun and forget about all that for awhile. Good luck.
 
Jennifer,
I went through a divorce a while back, and you described exactly the feelings that one goes though. I am sure that you will come through with flying colors, and turn a new (good) chapter in your life. The best to you, and I am sure that I speak for all of us to say the we are here if you ever want to chat--in public, or by pm.
 
Not having walked in your shoes I have no terribly enlightening advice to give. However, I would say that judging by your posts that you are an intelligent well rounded person with a good dash of common sense thrown in. It's always hard to leave that comfort zone (no matter how uncomfortable that comfort zone really is) but in the end we are generally better for it.
 
It's unfortunate that things weren't what they could have been for you, Ms. Matos, but I'm happy to see(in my best Strother Martin vioce)that "you were able to git yer mind right". That's most of the battle.

I hope nothing but goodness comes into your life from now on, but in case you haven't been keeping up on current events, there's tons of people out there with incurable STD's that are only too willing to pass them on to some unsuspecting person, so keep that in mind when you're having tons of fun.

The night life/disco crowd is full of them. I'm not saying this to be mean spirited, but because I think you a nice person and I worry.

I don't mean to imply either, that you're a loose woman as I think quite the opposite, just a warm, kind human being. But recovering from something like this, you may be more suseptible to the charms of smooth talking con artists than at other times.
Just take care of yourself, please.:)
 
Thanks everyone for all of the support. Honestly, I just can't wait to get out of my house. The lenders promised that they would expedite everything. They said that we may be able to close in two to three weeks. Until then, I plan on working late hours and going away on the weekends. Really, I already have arrangements for this weekend. Next weekend I have some important engagements in town, so I'll spend the remainder of the time packing up boxes. The following weekend I hope to be moving out.

Like I said before, I spend most of the day feeling upbeat and looking forward to a new start. I still have a lot of hope for my future. Nights have been pretty rough though. I spent two nights in a row last week where I literally sat up all night. I didn't know that you could work without any sleep for that long. By the second day, I did experience difficulty concentrating. I had one especially difficult consultation where I had to work extra hard to follow along with the fact pattern. Somehow, I managed to pull it off but it's not an experience I want to repeat. Since then I've slept a few hours a night here and there. You'd think that I would get really tired. :confused:

Thanks Gollnick, I honestly don't even know when the blade show is this year. I'm just trying to get myself together. I did, however, make a mental note (even before you posted) to go to one of the shows in the future.

Mike, Thanks for the warning. Sex with some strange guy is the furthest thing from my mind right now, but my friend did give me the big talk. :D Honestly, the stuff she told me really freaked me out. But she did point out to me that I am not any more at risk now then I probably was in my marriage. That was comforting. :rolleyes: I would feel perfectly comfortable asking for a blood test if I felt so inclined. I don't see myself having casual sex, and I don't need any cheap validation from anyone (slick talking or otherwise).
 
Wow. You may not believe it Jen, but you (pardon my expression) really seem to have your shit together for someone who is going through all your trials and tribulations of the last year or so. I applaud your strength, and I know you will come out way ahead on this chapter in your life. Your soon to be ex will undoubtably kick himself one day. Well, I'm pulling for ya... I know you will do fine.
 
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