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Make me laugh, win stuff

Discussion in 'Becker Knife & Tool' started by clich, May 7, 2012.

  1. clich


    Apr 19, 2011
    OK I'm a little down, the weekends over, another hard, stressful week begins. So I need a pick me up. Here's what I want:

    One official entry per person that must include "official entry beckerhead # (or aspiring beckerhead)", and UP TO 3 funny things. They can be short jokes, one liners (jokes from comedians should be quoted) , pics, sigs, whatever but its gotta be pg13 and suitable for our forum. Any nc-17 or R rated posts I will ask the mods to edit and erase and your entry will be forfeit.

    Beckerheads and aspiring beckerheads (those that have been around and qualify or nearly qualify but the enrollment is shut down at the moment) ONLY. And aspiring guys I will look at your post count and quality of posts when you enter.

    Ill let it run until next Friday. Edit your posts as needed. Chatting is fine but only one entry counts. The judges (yeh 3 of them myself included ) will pick their favorite.

    The winner gets the Becker short of their choice. Second place will get a hat or a bottle. This is not affiliated with anyone but myself. Go.
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  2. BaldingEagle


    Feb 16, 2010
    "I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way".
    -Mark Twain

  3. russianpolander

    russianpolander Gold Member Gold Member

    May 23, 2011
    A quote from a fellow knut at work last week:

    " I am gonna drive a great variety of irregularly shaped objects up his arse if he doesn't shut his piehole!"

    Hope it is pg13 enough for ya.

    Official aspiring Beckerhead entry
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  4. Greybush

    Greybush Banned BANNED

    Feb 14, 2012
    official entry beckerhead #215 Thanks Clich....you rule....



  5. Skinny


    Jan 21, 2009
    "Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf."
    - Mitch Hedburg

    Not an entry...
  6. tknife

    tknife Gold Member Gold Member

    Mar 18, 1999
    I saw a wino eating grapes, I was like dude, you have to wait - Mitch Hedberg

    Forgot to add my official entry BH# 41. Thanks
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  7. Febeleh


    Nov 23, 2011
    Official entry beckerhead # 201

    Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
    One says, "I've lost my electron."
    The other says, "Are you sure?"
    The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  8. MrKnifekid


    Aug 1, 2011
    Official entry Beckerhead #139


    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

    The Russians used a pencil.


    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."


    This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

    The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

    Thanks for the contest dude.

    I really appreciate it, and I'm gonna bet my biscuits that everybody else does to.

    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  9. CamH_16


    Feb 5, 2012
    Official Beckerhead entry #205

    This native american chief has to name his first born son so he walks outside and sees a wolf in the distance so he comes back and tell his wife his son will be called "Prowling wolf". His next child, a girl is born so he again goes out and looks for insperation and sees the leaves falling off the trees and a sparrow so he comes back and says "Autumn Sparrow". His 3rd child is eventually born and he again goes out and looks for an animal but this time he sees 2 dogs mating so he comes back and says "Screwing Dog".

    Vagina jokes arent funny. Period.

    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  10. dustyzz


    Apr 23, 2007
    I'm sure you can find at least one thing below to make you grin....

    When chemists die, they barium.
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, says he can stop any time.

    Enjoy one more for the road...

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  11. clich


    Apr 19, 2011
    Cam change that to screwing and ill let it slide
  12. discdoggin


    Jun 6, 2010
    Clich, hope ya get to smiling. There's more than 3 in this thread, hope it's at LEAST PG-13. Starts getting good between post #7 and #8...:D


    DD (aspiring Beckerhead...)

    Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
    Mitch Hedburg

    I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
    Emo Philips

    You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
    Emo Philips

    My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do.
    He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

    Attractive Lady in a Bar
    A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

    "Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  13. nccole


    Jun 2, 2011
    Those are legit Dad jokes!
  14. Hervboo


    Mar 27, 2012
    Daniel Tosh:

    "I don't think I could ever stab anyone because I'm really bad at Capri Suns."
  15. Crewdawg


    Mar 8, 2011
    True Story:
    My boss comes back from a meeting and tells us "he is now called a 'branch chief'; that makes all you my buds".
    "Mind if I leaf?" asks I
    "I hear what yer aspen, but dont be a knot hole" says he

    Dog limps into a bar, says "Ahm lookin for the man who shot mah paw". (not a true story)


    Aspiring Beckerhead (someday)...
  16. flipaldinho


    Jan 18, 2012
  17. mrn8


    Jun 8, 2007
    Official Beckerhead entry #152



    Uses for pee that we've learned from Bear Grylls:
    • Peeing
    • Putting out fires
    • MAN marking his territory against WILD animals
    • Drinking
    • Cooling your brains in a desert
    • Disinfectant
    • Unsticking skin from frozen surfaces
    • Amusing Beckerhead photo contests
  18. MikeyJ


    Apr 30, 2010
    Official entry - Beckerhead #14



  19. C_Tanner


    Feb 21, 2011
    Last edited: May 7, 2012
  20. Silverthorn


    Apr 24, 2011

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