Make me laugh, win stuff

"I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way".
-Mark Twain

Cheers
Balding

 

A quote from a fellow knut at work last week:

" I am gonna drive a great variety of irregularly shaped objects up his arse if he doesn't shut his piehole!"

Hope it is pg13 enough for ya.


Official aspiring Beckerhead entry

 

official entry beckerhead #215 Thanks Clich....you rule....

 

"Ducks love bread, but they do not have the capability to buy a loaf."
- Mitch Hedburg

Not an entry...

 

I saw a wino eating grapes, I was like dude, you have to wait - Mitch Hedberg

Forgot to add my official entry BH# 41. Thanks

 

Official entry beckerhead # 201

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

 

Official entry Beckerhead #139

#1

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

#2

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

#3

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Thanks for the contest dude.

I really appreciate it, and I'm gonna bet my biscuits that everybody else does to.


MkK

 

Official Beckerhead entry #205

This native american chief has to name his first born son so he walks outside and sees a wolf in the distance so he comes back and tell his wife his son will be called "Prowling wolf". His next child, a girl is born so he again goes out and looks for insperation and sees the leaves falling off the trees and a sparrow so he comes back and says "Autumn Sparrow". His 3rd child is eventually born and he again goes out and looks for an animal but this time he sees 2 dogs mating so he comes back and says "Screwing Dog".


Vagina jokes arent funny. Period.

...Appropriate?

 

I'm sure you can find at least one thing below to make you grin....


When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, says he can stop any time.


Enjoy one more for the road...

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

 

Clich, hope ya get to smiling. There's more than 3 in this thread, hope it's at LEAST PG-13. Starts getting good between post #7 and #8...

http://www.bladeforums.com/forums/showthread.php/950806-Scandi-Bushfinger-Andy-s-Grind

DD (aspiring Beckerhead...)

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedburg

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Philips

My mate Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do.
He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

Attractive Lady in a Bar
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

Those are legit Dad jokes!

 

Daniel Tosh:

"I don't think I could ever stab anyone because I'm really bad at Capri Suns."

 

True Story:
My boss comes back from a meeting and tells us "he is now called a 'branch chief'; that makes all you my buds".
"Mind if I leaf?" asks I
"I hear what yer aspen, but dont be a knot hole" says he

Dog limps into a bar, says "Ahm lookin for the man who shot mah paw". (not a true story)




Aspiring Beckerhead (someday)...

 

official entry beckerhead #203

"I am going to be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline." Anchorman

-That's "Jack-tastic"! (If you have not seen, please watch: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/taste-test/1359559 It wil brighten up your day)

-I want to know more...

 

Official Beckerhead entry #152





Uses for pee that we've learned from Bear Grylls:

• Peeing
• Putting out fires
• MAN marking his territory against WILD animals
• Drinking
• Cooling your brains in a desert
• Disinfectant
• Unsticking skin from frozen surfaces
• Amusing Beckerhead photo contests

 

Official entry - Beckerhead #14

 

Official Entry Beckerhead #68 http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song

 

Anchorman product irl ftw

http://www.romanefragrances.com/mag...e-spray.html?gclid=CKS8i8DT7q8CFUOo4AodBmzs1Q



my wife's pregnancy shirt ..lol