My back to Bladeforums and 2k posts Giveaway

rksoon said:
Tell us your best joke!
And yeah, let's try to not offend anyone in the process.
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Welcome back rksoon!

With my best joke I won a knife here. I then passed on another knife as part of a milestone post. I can't help but tell it again.

It will probably offend some one but for those that find it offensive, I apologize in advance..

A baby harp seal walks into a club...:p

Congrats on 2K.

cs
 
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
 
Oh well, I'm never all that good on the delivery, so I stick to the easy ones.


What kind a fruit can only get married in the church?














A cantelope
 
Congrats on getting through it, amigo! And cool giveaway. I'm a notoriously poor joke teller, so here's one of the few relevant to my profession...

A funeral procession is going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearst flys open and the coffin falls out then speeds down main street into a pharmacy and crashes into the counter. The lids pops open and the deceased says to the astonished pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin ?"
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Two nuns are driving along a dark, country lane in Transylvania. Suddenly a vampire lands on the hood of the car and tries to break through the windscreen.
The first nun shrieks "Agnes! AGNES! Show him your cross!"
So sister Agnes leans out the window and shouts "GET OFF MY F*$%ING CAR!"

Grats on 2k+ and I hope you do well in the test.
 
Rat Finkenstein said:
Two hunters are out in the woods [...]
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Rat, do you have another joke you can post? Kuruptd posted this one on pg.1, and I want to make sure everyone has a shot :thumbup:.

SpookyPistolero said:
Congrats on getting through it, amigo!
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Thanks Spooky! :) And hey, my GF got the major chuckles over that one :thumbup::thumbup::D KGD's Cantelope one too!

Chinpo said:
Grats on 2k+ and I hope you do well in the test.
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Thanks Chinpo, and I hope I did well too :thumbup:
 
I am shure all your hard work studying for the exam would pay off!

Here is my attempt at a joke!

A guy is on a tour of a factory that produces latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"True, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
 
Congrats!

Two drums and a symbol jump off a cliff...... de-dum Tissssss (rimshot....hard to spell)
 
Lemme put my GF's up here (just for kicks:D):

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?



Damn!
 
thanks for the opportunity, here's my effort!


Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
 
One day Adam noticed that he was the only thing in the Garden that did not have a mate. He complained to God and God said " OK Adam, I will create a mate for you that will obey your every command, staisfy your every need, fulfill every wish and dream. Adam said, " MAN that would be great!!! But what will that cost me?"
" Well God said, how about a arm and a leg?" Adam said " Thats a bit expensive, what could I get for just one RIB "
 
Thanks for a very generous giveaway!

Here's my fiance's favorite:

A man is driving down a California highway. Suddenly, out of nowhere a ray of bright light hits him, and a booming voice tells him: "Jim, you've been a good person. You've helped people, and you've lived a righteous life. As your Lord God, I will grant you one wish as a reward for showing me how wonderful my people can be."

Jim thinks for a minute and then says: "God, I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I am really afraid of flying, and I like driving. Can you create a bridge from here to Hawaii?" God replies: "This is a hard one. I would have to create a series of islands in the Pacific ocean, and place bridge supports all over. Is there anything else you wish for?"

Jim thinks for another minute and says: "Lord, I want to understand what women say, and how they think. I want to understand why they say the things they say, and do the things they do. I want to know why they're happy or sad, and how to keep them pleased all the time."

There is a pause, and God sighs: "Ok, would you like that bridge with 2 lanes or 4?"
 
Chinpo said:
Two nuns are driving along a dark, country lane in Transylvania. Suddenly a vampire lands on the hood of the car and tries to break through the windscreen.
The first nun shrieks "Agnes! AGNES! Show him your cross!"
So sister Agnes leans out the window and shouts "GET OFF MY F*$%ING CAR!"

Grats on 2k+ and I hope you do well in the test.
Click to expand...

Most nuns I new of had a right cross and a left jab. Pat
 
Congrats on 2k man, i wish you luck on your exams. i too am enrolled in courses and should really give up the forum for a bit. its far to interesting to put down. i think i should try your method about letting your wife make a password. but that seems like a fight waiting to happen hahaha.

reposted the joke. cuz i ruined it hahaha

thanks for the chance at a great prize and
 
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Dolly Parton and the Queen both die and are standing at the pearly gates. St Peter looks at them and says "Sorry ladies but there is a quota system now and there is only room for one of you. You will have to prove to me why you belong here."

Dolly thinks for a minute and walks up to St. Peter, and lifts up her shirt, giving St. Pete a great look at the girls.

"No bad at all!!", exclaims Pete!

Old Liz reaches into her purse, pulls out a douche and gives herself a good cleaning.

"Shiiiiiiiiit!!!" says Pete, "get in lady".


"WTF!!!!!!" exclaims Dolly "you see my girls and she gets in because of a douche- what is up with that!!'

"Well", says Pete "Everybody knows a royal flush beats a pair!"


Welcome back- I should have done the same as you during finals in June!
 
Congrats on not being able to keep yer trap shut here on BF :p:cool::D

Here's mine:

How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
















A Fish! :D
 
Sharp_newbie said:
Congrats on 2k man, i wish you luck on your exams. i too am enrolled in courses and should really give up the forum for a bit. its far to interesting to put down. i think i should try your method about letting your wife make a password. but that seems like a fight waiting to happen hahaha.
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I've actually been working FT for the past couple of years, but if I was enrolled in courses like you are now...I definitely would not get any work done with BF as a distraction. :D Having another person change your password worked quite well, you should try it. I'm usually pretty disciplined, but it's nice to have that extra barrier just in case you have a moment of procrastinating weakness :thumbup:. But yeah, I can't say she was thrilled when it came time for me to regain control of the account... :D

dougo83 said:
Congrats on not being able to keep yer trap shut here on BF :p:cool::D
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I know!:o:D I've resolved to post less and get out more :thumbup:.


Closin this down on Monday guys, get em in! :)
 
a man walks into a weight loss clinic andsees a sign at the front desk.it reads:pay $25,lose 25lbs.pay $50,lose 50 lbs.pay $100,lose 100lbs.so he decides to start small and he hands the lady at the front counter a twenty and five ones.she says"go to the first room on the right.".so he goes to this room and opens the door,and there is a beautiful naked girl with a sign that says"if you catch me,you can f@ck me".so he chases her around the room until she gets too tired to run anymore and he has his way with her.he then steps on the scale in the hallway,and sure enough,hed lost twenty five pounds.so he goes back to the lady at the front desk and hands her a fifty.she says"second door on the right."so he goes to that door,opens it,and there is an even more beautiful,more athletic woman with a sign that says"if you can catch me,you can f@ck me.so he chases her around for a while until he finally catches up to her,and he bangs her silly.he then steps on the scale once again,and to his surprise,hed lost another fifty pounds.by this time hes grown quite confident in himself,so he goes back to the counter and hands the lady a hundred dollar bill.she then says"last room on the right."so he goes to this door,and when he opens it,there is a 500 pound gorilla with a sign that says"if i catch you,im going to f@ck you!" try not to pee your pants at this one please.
 
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