My back to Bladeforums and 2k posts Giveaway

Girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm,
Bartender says what are you doing with that Pig?
girl says,,, its not a pig ,,its a duck.
bartender says,,I was talking to the duck.
 
A plane crashes on an island inhabited by cannibals. The only three that survive are a Russian, an American, and a Canadian. The cannibals tell them they are going to eat them and use their skin to make canoes, but are more civilized than most and tell them that they can choose how they die.
The Russian goes first and asks for some poison. He says "This is for mother Russia!" and downs the poison.
The American is next and he asks for a gun, before pulling the trigger he yells "This is for the good old USA!"
Lastly, the Canadian looks at them and asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but decide to humor him. The Canadian suddenly starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. Completely flabbergasted the cannibals exclaim, "What are doing!?!".
To which the Canadian replies, "Good luck with your Canoe you bastards!".
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
 
Rat Finkenstein said:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Click to expand...

This has always been a personal favorite...
 
Seeing the blonde joke earlier reminded me of my favorite one.

What do you call a smart blonde?







A golden retriever.
 
Ok guys I am going full assault.




Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had
to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple
of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the
mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife
in lipstick!, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove.? I left early to go get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is at the table
eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came in at
3 a.m. drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it,
and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into
the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?" His son replies, "OH, THAT!"...Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me
alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken coffee table - $129.99
Hot Breakfast $6.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time. Priceless




Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

1) Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2) Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

3) If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

4)Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

5) Speak only in a "robot" voice.

6) Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

7) Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

8)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

9) Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

10) Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

11)Name your dog "Dog".

12) Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

13) Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

14) Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

15) Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

16) Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

17) Practice making fax and modem noises.

18) Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

19) Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

20) Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

21) Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".

22) Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

23) Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

24) Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

25) Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

26) Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

27) Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.








Are You a Professional? The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional."

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?







The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.












2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?










Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!








Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?





Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory.


OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do
you manage it?







Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.





water moccasin Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout ready to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid.

Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.

But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well , Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cai! n't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.





2005 Darwin Award Winner..... The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington USA appeared to be the robber's first and last) due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:1. His target was H-J Leather and Firearms, A gun shop specializing in handguns.2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door.4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .22 target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm Glock 17, the clerk with a .50 cal Desert Eagle, assisted by several customers who also drew their guns, several of whom also fired.The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire.


Fishin in the rain.... so its a saturday morning, I excitedly wake around 4:30 quietly get up make coffee eat cap'n crunch, get dressed and get in my jeep with the boat trailer hooked up ready for a day on the water. As I open the garage proceed to back out into a torrential downpour that would put the monsoons of the amazon to shame. I turn on the radio in the jeep only to learn it's expected to get worse over the next 3 days heavy rain all around. I pull back into garage, close door, turn off coffee and slide back into bed with "other" ideas and as I cuddle up to my wife I say "baby its rainin like crazy out there" she reply's "yeah can you believe my dumbass husband is fishing in this crap."



Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What'cha doing, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your dumb cat."


One summer day a man came home early from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in very sexy lingerie and heels.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, he tied her up and went fishing




How many woman does it take to change a light bulb? NONE they would just sit in the dark and bitch about it!!







Hillary Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago in upper New York State ...She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - "Walking Eagle".


The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.



A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also
comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover

are the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't,
I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did
you sell them for?" Boy: "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible
to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those
two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the Confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now."





A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyerfrom London and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!


Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 
PT 2 :D



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.







Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"




A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds a gorilla removal service. When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah we can do it. I'll be right there," he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."




SMART ARSE ANSWERS 2008

6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.






--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket - not your stub.'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'



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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.



ou might be a redneck Jedi if... Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... It'll be a hoot!"

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.




Monkey in a Bar


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps
onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy,
"he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the
cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the
stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his
monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,
Pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball,
he measures everything first."





THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENE RAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines! OOORRAAH!!!

AMERICA, THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!




A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
A man can tell he's getting old when he has to take Viagra to keep from rolling out of bed at night!!!!!
 
A farmer and his wife are going to the county fair, where they will be attending a costume dance. The farmer decided to go as a steer and his wife as a cow.

They started the long trek to the dance when about half way there the farmer has a revelation. he says "Wife, isn't this farmer jims field? I think it is, and if im right the fair grounds should be right on the other side of this field and we will save a bunch of time if we were to cross here!"
the wife agreed so they hopped the fence and continued their quest to the dance.

when they were half way through the field they spotted a HUGE bull on the tree line with a HUGE ERECTION!!!, and the bull spotted them. the bull started to kick up dust and go into a wild frenzy then he took off at a full charge directly towards the couple!

The wife turns to her husband, the farmer, and says in a frantic voice "That bull is charging us!!! what should we do?"

to which the farmer replied "I'm gunna lie here and eat some grass... you best brace yourself!!!"
Click to expand...

Leave it to me to mess something up, i had to edit this joke becasue i missed the most crucial part of the delivery... it was a fail, now its funnier. I hope this not disqualify me hahaha.
 
Last edited:
Any of you know the joke about the guy that tries to buy a truck from a dairy farmer?

I kinda remember it, but I don't want to ruin it.

Marion
 
Welcome back Russell......

I was wonderin where you went off to...

Im sure you did fine on your test. I know how those are...Tina just passed her RN boards..She was waaay nervous.

Anyway, good to "see" ya man.
 
Congrats on your exam, and I hope it's a winner. Here is my entry:

A rabbit is squatted in the woods taking a dump when along comes a bear that stops and proceeds to take a dump right next to the rabbit. The bear says to the rabbit "Say, do you have a problem with shit getting stuck in your fur?" The rabbit looks up at the bear and in a timid voice sais "No, never". And with that the bear proceeds to pick up the rabbit and wipe his ass with him.
 
Two guys are talking and one says, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

His buddy replies, "Really, what's the name of his other leg?"
 
An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and
some apple and peach trees. The pond was shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and
they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men may move slow but can still think fast.
 
Sharp_newbie said:
I hope this not disqualify me hahaha.
Click to expand...

Nope, it's all good! :thumbup:

j williams said:
Welcome back Russell......

I was wonderin where you went off to...

Im sure you did fine on your test. I know how those are...Tina just passed her RN boards..She was waaay nervous.

Anyway, good to "see" ya man.
Click to expand...

Thanks Jake, and congrats to Tina for passin her RN boards!! :thumbup: Good to see you too man :thumbup::thumbup:.




Closin it down tonight! :D Voting starts right after.
 
I'll sit out of the contest because there's other people here who could use that SAK more than me.

But here's my favorite joke:

So this husband walks into the bathroom one morning and sees his wife standing topless in front of the mirror.

Wife: You know, I really wish I had bigger boobs
Husband: Hey I got an idea, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it inbetween them every morning. That should do the trick.

The wife was a little confused, but thought it was worth a shot. So every morning for the next two weeks she got up and rubbed a piece of toilet paper inbetween her boobs. She didn't notice any difference so she says to her husband:

Wife: Are you sure this is supposed to work?
Husband: Well.... I figured it worked so well on your ass, it was worth a shot!
 
Congrats!

I like this one.......

A TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again... (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
 
One day a man's two beloved pet chimpanzees die and he decides to take them to a taxidermy shop for preservation.

"Do you want them mounted?" asks the taxidermist.

"No" the man replies.


















"Just holding hands."
 
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