One day only!

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1.. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory...
I don't remember, what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6.. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge...
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing..........

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!



Check these out too...

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?

A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: M elt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
 
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From a party I threw a while back, I was giving GD pointers on picking up the ladies.
kidhasabonerba8.jpg







LOL "im just playin with ya, feel free to shoot one back, I deserve it for that one lol"
whats a vulva? (The eseechaters will get that one.)
 
Here is my favorite joke.

Its Friday afternoon and Bill is excited because for the first time in a long time he is going out with the boys for a much needed chance to raise some hell. His buddy Stan picks him up at his house and all he can hear when he leaves is his wife yelling something about not getting wasted and coming home and puking and stuff. So the boys get to the bar where Bill proceeds to pound every glass that Stan puts in front of him.

About 10:30 Bill talks to Stan about being wasted and hoping he doesn't puke because he would never hear the end of it from his ol' lady. Just then Bill gets the urge and leans over at the bar and pukes. He stands up wiping his mouth and says "what am I going to do now? My wife is going to kill me when she sees all this puke all over me." Without any hesitation Stan turns to him and says "Here's what you do, take a $20 dollar bill and put it right into your shirt pocket. When you get home and she notices your chunks tell her that some guy at the bar puked on you and he gave you the $20 to clean the shirt".

Perfect, Bill was all set. He arrives home and sure enough his wife meets him at the door complaining about the puke smell and how wasted he was and Bill says "hey this isn't mine some guy puked on me" and he pulls out the $20 and says "see he gave me this $20 to clean the shirt." Bills wife says "Whats the other $20 for?" Bill says, "Well he shit in my pants too."

SB
 
A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!
 
Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. You can buy a silencer for a gun.


BONUS JOKE:

How do you find out that your dog loves you more then your wife?

Lock both of them in the trunk of your car.

And in three hours when you open it the Dog is happy to see you.
 
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly pressed against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK... "

So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
 
A SCOTSMAN walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous witch, You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
 
Well I have a few, and they are automotive related.

1.
I was driving down PCH one night after going home from a car meet, pulling up beside me was an Enzo, I have built a few for clients around the globe, especially for people in the easy with large disposable incomes. Anyways, guy stares at me, and stares. I am thinking to myself...GAY much? Penis Size Issues? Insecure? Finally some kid in a Honda Civic pulls up into the side road, like this is some stupid movie from universal about riced up little pop corn machines. Light turns green, Enzo and Civic take off. I ease in, and just drive normally, a cop car zooms past me, and pulls both over. Waves me down...I think I am in trouble, and am annoyed. Turns out he saw, I didn't do anything but noticed my cars rumble along with the enzo. He thought he heard a v8 and he would be right. He ended up being a corvette owner, with a charger, He laughed looking over my little RX7, 6.0L v8, and a T88 turbo...he said why didn't I go with one of those motors already in rice rockets. I said cause I love mix and matching my cars, he laughed, and said he likes mixing and matching women, I didn't get it, but he told me I could leave.

2.
I had just come back from Japan, and have alot of family there, I pain stakingly searched for a car over here, that had to be imported, Nissan Silvia, the S15 chassis. I fell in love with the car while I lived over there.

Surely enough I found one. Not happy with it just being a body shell, I began a long process of building the car for my private collection and use. fire wall was first on my hate list, than steering placement, and in went 7.4L Rockhellar Race Motor from a friends company, I was thinking 66 or 88 turbo...I ended up going bigger.

Long story short, was taking out for shake down session to see if anything was wrong with it, was on PCH again, SURPRISE!? And I dunno where these jack asses come from, but up rolls a kid, probably 18 or so, with a Dodge Viper, and this thing isn't stock. You can hear it, and see it. Body modifications were extensive. It was really really mean...and hissed like a snake should, boost fed.

Well long story short I didn't race with him, public street and all, but we kept sizing each others cars up. Saw him again at a local event my ex boss threw, and his car is mean. But a mom and dad financed machine....and built by someone else. Not his own two hands :\ longer story short, ran against him and murdered, his reply "How could I loose? My mom and dad spent so much money!"

3.
Some A hole with a bro ho lifted 250 was ragging on Chevy Colorado, a swapped LS2 truck, I paid no mind, alot of die hard solo brand enthusiast are close minded and ignorant. I like all vehicles, if they are built well. lol.

Anyways, later, I saw him on the side of the road angled, his tire tore apart some how, and he didnt have AAA or anything, I stopped and said hey, we can go to my bosses, get you a new tire and wheel...and throw in back of my truck come back and swap it in.

He felt like an asshole douche, we now are friends. He eventually bought the Colorado.

4.
Went to see Date Night, the other night at a local theater, with my Mrs, a little into the movie we saw the couple at the other end of the chairs, doing things. Up comes the staff member with a flash light, he says excuse me, excuse me, but they don't stop till the guy is done, she slides her nickers up, he zips up, and continues watching movie, telling the kid with the light to fuck off.

I found that funny as hell. I looked at my wife and winked, she said NO. lol. I used the family guy quote when God in the Cartoon is in bed "Come on Babbby, its my birthdayy!" She gave me this "really? you think that'll work?" look, and we laughed.

5.
Saw some guy at a local store, picking up his ar, assuming his wait period was over, he was loading it up with so much stuff, eotech up top, 2 lights, a laser, etc. I laughed, cause he DIDNT know how to use them, i.e. he probably doesn't need them. And it was a LWRCi Rifle. Why does he need that?

Than he was dropping CASH, for a REPR...wtf? Why does he need that? Thats a laugh.






Another? A guy running around a local surplus store, is loading up on everything he thinks he needs for survival. He asked the owner, is this good? Is this good? The owner and I were talking while the guy was running around. Hes buying for a camping emergency. But in a real situation, are you going to have all this stuff with and or on you? No. You just wouldn't carry all that at one time. Especially if you are just going to visit a family member or out for an errand, an emergency will hit when you are least prepared. :\

He bought a Kabar knife and thinks its the best knife for survival use. I laughed. He than asked me about my than 3, I was about to answer, when the store owner shushed me. He said, no need. He said that kinda guy...is just camping, and trying to be cool by buying every nic nac thing. He isn't interested in learning anything, or practicing what he learns, just showing up to a camp sight, thinking hes awesome badass, with the latest buys and wears.

Wow. I've never seen a person do that before. He said real use gear? If a person knows a thing or two, will find it themselves, and be informed about their purchase, and the items use. Ignorant people will not.

So I equate this as to people buying FAST cars, and not being able to maintain them themselves, or have the knowledge to strip and build up a car with their own two hands. So they hire a shop to do it....

Uninformed isn't an excuse, its just ignorance. I myself was noob, and have tried and gone around to learn as much and as best as I can/could. That guy in the store? Isn't. Hes thinking if he throws enough money at anything, it will do just fine.

Hows that for funny?
 
Thank God for the subject line on this thread!
 
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