One day only!

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An Actual Craigslist Ad - I thought this was hilarious when I read it.




To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
P.S. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
 
barbie.jpg
 
i have to agree that cyanide and happiness is funny :D, also look at the 50mph man that is a good one too
 
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?

from ebaumsworld.
 
There once was a woman from Haiti
Whose torso was really quite weighty
When she stepped on the scale
The meter would fail
It stopped at 'bout three hunrded eighty!

There once was blacksmith from Zaire
Who was F***ing his girl on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair!
 
REDNECK HOME SECURITY

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.


2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.


3. Put a few giant-sized dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.


4. Leave a note on your door that reads:


"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, Slim, and Cooter:

I went for more ammunition. Back in about an hour.

Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked

the mailman this morning and messed him up

real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it was

hard to tell from all the blood. Anyways,

I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait in your truck till I get back."
 
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.
 
Ok true story of my daughter.
When my daughter was about 3 or so she would go to college with my wife & they had a day care center at the college. My wife is in the middle of class & people came to pull out of class to talk to her about our daughter. That day was show & tell day & they were all suppose to do a their favorite dance. So some kids where doing goofy things & some the little tea pot. My daughter gets up there, puts her hands on her knees, sticks her butt out & starts singing Pussy Control by Prince. You can imagine the horror my wife felt with dealing with this. When asked where she had learned it the said by watching my sister do it at parties at when she would stay over there.
 
blacksn95 said:
A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.
Click to expand...

[youtube]5lsY5BaKhuQ[/youtube]

Definitely worth watching
 
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