Mrs.Shotgunner11
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The BladeForums.com 2024 Traditional Knife is ready to order! See this thread for details: https://www.bladeforums.com/threads/bladeforums-2024-traditional-knife.2003187/
Price is$300$250 ea (shipped within CONUS). If you live outside the US, I will contact you after your order for extra shipping charges.
Order here: https://www.bladeforums.com/help/2024-traditional/ - Order as many as you like, we have plenty.
One day only!
- Thread starter Mrs.Shotgunner11
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lol
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- Mar 9, 2010
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- Joined
- Jan 31, 2010
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I guess I'll play.
Too tired to read all the posts so if this has been posted just disqualify me.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
Too tired to read all the posts so if this has been posted just disqualify me.
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2001
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- 32,359
Allright, awhile back I used to work in a chemical plant as a mechanic and we had this guy named Bruce who used to drive the forklift for the warehouse, Bruce used to stutter so awful he couldn't get through his name without stutterin'.
Well one day Bruce came to work and he didn't stutter a lick anymore he told me the story of how he overcame his disability, so he started his tale.
Bruce walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords as you talk your penis bounces and this causes the stutter."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut a few inches off the top and that'll relieve the extra pull on your vocal chords, stop the bouncing and there by relieve the stutter. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and after healing decides to celibrate by having sex with the Mrs, afterwords she rolls over and looks at him and says, "I'm so happy that you don't stutter any more honey but I'm just not satisfied, I'd rather be satisfied and live with the stutter than the other way around."
So he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but my wife, well she just ain't as satisfied as she used to be, sexually speakin'."
She misses my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put back what you took off, OK?"
The doc looks at him and says,...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
"Nnnnope it's ttttttootoo laate!"
Well one day Bruce came to work and he didn't stutter a lick anymore he told me the story of how he overcame his disability, so he started his tale.
Bruce walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"
The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."
The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."
The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doc says,"It's your penis. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords as you talk your penis bounces and this causes the stutter."
The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"
The doc replies, "Well, I can cut a few inches off the top and that'll relieve the extra pull on your vocal chords, stop the bouncing and there by relieve the stutter. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."
The guy says, "Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and after healing decides to celibrate by having sex with the Mrs, afterwords she rolls over and looks at him and says, "I'm so happy that you don't stutter any more honey but I'm just not satisfied, I'd rather be satisfied and live with the stutter than the other way around."
So he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but my wife, well she just ain't as satisfied as she used to be, sexually speakin'."
She misses my long penis. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put back what you took off, OK?"
The doc looks at him and says,...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
"Nnnnope it's ttttttootoo laate!"
- Joined
- Oct 17, 2007
- Messages
- 1,530
OK here is one of my favorite jokes :
A guy enters his kitchen one morning to find his wife, still in her baby doll nighty preparing breakfast. She bends over the kitchen table and tells him to make love to her. He didn't need to be asked twice and performed his marital duty.
Heck, it must be my lucky day, he thought.
When it was over he asked her why he was treated to such a rare surprise.
She replied
Egg timers broke.
A guy enters his kitchen one morning to find his wife, still in her baby doll nighty preparing breakfast. She bends over the kitchen table and tells him to make love to her. He didn't need to be asked twice and performed his marital duty.
Heck, it must be my lucky day, he thought.
When it was over he asked her why he was treated to such a rare surprise.
She replied
Egg timers broke.
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2009
- Messages
- 5,168
Awww man I'm always a day late and a dollar short.
A guy just moved into a new town and he was looking to get lucky. So he goes down to the local bar and looks around and unfortunately for him there are no chicks around.
He leans over to the bartender and says "this is a good place but where are all the women?"
The barkeep replies "ya there are no women but ill tell you what. i have a rooster out back. for 20 bucks you can go out and take care of your "needs" with the rooster. i guarantee it will be the best thing you have ever felt."
The man replies " what a rooster, thats crazy. no."
the barkeep says "i guarantee if its not the greatest thing you have ever felt ill give you back your twenty and pay you another twenty."
The man thinks a second and says "oh what the hell." and then walks out back.
sure enough there is a big rooster standing there atop a crate. so he grabs the rooster its starts crowing and he finishes his business.
A few minutes later he returned to the bar with a big smile on his face and paid the twenty. a few weeks later he was feeling horny and returned asking for the rooster.
The barkeep said "the rooster is gone but ill tell you what. for twenty bucks ill let you watch two guys having sex. i guarantee its the funniest shit you have ever seen. if its not then ill pay you twenty."
The guys says "sure why not." and is lead to a private room where a few guys are seated looking through a small window where sure enough to guys are having sex. he sits down and immediately starts laughing hysterically at the sight of the too guys having sex.
He turns to the guy next to him and says "isnt this the funniest shit you have ever seen?'
the man turns and says "you think this is funny, you should have been here last week. there was a guy fucking a rooster."
He leans over to the bartender and says "this is a good place but where are all the women?"
The barkeep replies "ya there are no women but ill tell you what. i have a rooster out back. for 20 bucks you can go out and take care of your "needs" with the rooster. i guarantee it will be the best thing you have ever felt."
The man replies " what a rooster, thats crazy. no."
the barkeep says "i guarantee if its not the greatest thing you have ever felt ill give you back your twenty and pay you another twenty."
The man thinks a second and says "oh what the hell." and then walks out back.
sure enough there is a big rooster standing there atop a crate. so he grabs the rooster its starts crowing and he finishes his business.
A few minutes later he returned to the bar with a big smile on his face and paid the twenty. a few weeks later he was feeling horny and returned asking for the rooster.
The barkeep said "the rooster is gone but ill tell you what. for twenty bucks ill let you watch two guys having sex. i guarantee its the funniest shit you have ever seen. if its not then ill pay you twenty."
The guys says "sure why not." and is lead to a private room where a few guys are seated looking through a small window where sure enough to guys are having sex. he sits down and immediately starts laughing hysterically at the sight of the too guys having sex.
He turns to the guy next to him and says "isnt this the funniest shit you have ever seen?'
the man turns and says "you think this is funny, you should have been here last week. there was a guy fucking a rooster."
another good one while i still have time.
there was a old grandpa and his grandson driving down an old road in the south. the grandpa starts having a smoke and the grandson looks at him and says "hey grandpa, can i have some of that?"
the grandpa asks "does your dick reach your asshole?"
"no." says the grandson
"Then you cant have any," replies the grandpa.
they keep driving and after a while the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking. the grandson asks "hey grandpa. can i have some of that?'
the grandpa replies "does your dick reach your asshole,"
"no," replies the grandson.
"then you cant have any," says the grandpa.
A little while later the grandson pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eating them. "where did you get those," asks the grandpa?
"Grandma made them for me," says the grandson.
"can i have some," says the grandpa?
"does your dick reach your asshole," asks the grandson.
"yes" said the grandpa
the grandson replies "well then go fuck yourself grandpa, grandma made them for me."
there was a old grandpa and his grandson driving down an old road in the south. the grandpa starts having a smoke and the grandson looks at him and says "hey grandpa, can i have some of that?"
the grandpa asks "does your dick reach your asshole?"
"no." says the grandson
"Then you cant have any," replies the grandpa.
they keep driving and after a while the grandpa pulls out a beer and starts drinking. the grandson asks "hey grandpa. can i have some of that?'
the grandpa replies "does your dick reach your asshole,"
"no," replies the grandson.
"then you cant have any," says the grandpa.
A little while later the grandson pulls out a bag of cookies and starts eating them. "where did you get those," asks the grandpa?
"Grandma made them for me," says the grandson.
"can i have some," says the grandpa?
"does your dick reach your asshole," asks the grandson.
"yes" said the grandpa
the grandson replies "well then go fuck yourself grandpa, grandma made them for me."
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2010
- Messages
- 53
Why does Tigger Stink?
Cuz he plays with Pooh!
Ha!
Cheers!
-C
Cuz he plays with Pooh!
Ha!
Cheers!
-C
- Joined
- Apr 7, 2010
- Messages
- 224
imaginefj
Gold Member
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- Jan 15, 2006
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- 1,676
I'd have said what about 50/50.
- Joined
- Aug 25, 2009
- Messages
- 2,513
No way man go for the audience!
Here ya go!
Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his anniversary. His girlfriend was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his girlfriend woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the girlfriend put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jeff has been missing since Friday.
Jeff was in trouble. He forgot his anniversary. His girlfriend was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his girlfriend woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the girlfriend put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Jeff has been missing since Friday.
I'm pretty sure the contest is over, but here's my feeble attempt at humor (my humor is better contained in the chatroom)...
If you know why this is funny, you win a prize...
This is why my kid doesn't like camping...
Stupid cat...
See? She gets it...
If you know why this is funny, you win a prize...
This is why my kid doesn't like camping...
Stupid cat...
See? She gets it...
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