TL-29 Giveaway

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A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom, barely managing to suppress his wild laughter. A colleague asks, "What is it you are laughing about? "Well, I just heard a great joke," the judge says. "A joke? Tell me!" "Are you crazy? I just sentenced a man to five years for that joke!


Thanks for change!
 
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand
Near Highway 7 early one cold December morning. Suddenly,
A huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the
Low shrubs. The buck was magnificent, a once in a lifetime
Animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his
Mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.


Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope
On his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck. As he was
About to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend
Alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down
Highway 7.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down,
Took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in
Prayer. His friend was stunned, "Wow, that is the most
Thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You
Actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing
Funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have
Ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years."
 
Very generous GAW. Thanks for the chance!
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An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!!!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
 
Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten
people die of the disease you have. "Yours is the tenth case I've treated;
the others all died."

thanks for the chance.
 
A guy was at his friend's 25th wedding anniversary party and realized his friend had disappeared. Looking around a bit he finally found him sitting on the back porch, looking morose and putting a real dent in a bottle of bourbon. He said "What's the matter? I thought this was a party." His friend said "Let me tell you a story. When I'd been married five years, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that the only way out was murder - no way was she walking off with my money and property. So I talked to my lawyer - he said "Don't do it - they'll put you away for 20 years." So after some thought I decided not to do it." Here he looked even more morose and took a big gulp of bourbon. Guy said "So what's the problem? Why are you so down now?" His friend looked up at him sadly and said "Tonight I would have been a free man."
 
Jimmy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Seamus?" Jimmy asked. "Well didn't ya know,Jimmy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus. "Ah, praise the lord!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Thanks for the chance, I don't have a tl-29
 
Now for something non-PC.

A baby Harp Seal walks into a bar and says "Hey can I get a Canadian Club?"
does that get me into the running? If so thanks for the Chance.
 
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?

A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses

A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

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Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?

A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

~~~~~~~~
Thanks for the jokes and the contest!

Judy
 
I went to an extremely attractive Female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked why? She said "Because I'm trying to examine you"...........Thanks for the contest & good luck to all. Barry
 
Jensen is in the dairy business, and hears his neighbor just got a prize winning milk cow, so he goes over to visit. As luck would have it, he finds Smith in the barn looking over the latest addition to the herd.

“That’s one fine beast ya got there, Smith”, says Jensen.

“Oh, yah”, replys Smith. “Not only is she pretty, but she give the sweetest milk, and the cream just floats to the top. Oh and the amount; sure it was a bargain.”

“Well”, says Jensen, “that’s pretty good, but they’ve all got some fault”.

“Oh, sure, there’s one. It’s kinda strange though; I never seen nothing like it before.” And Smith pulls over his stool and a bucket, and reaches down under and grabs a teat. He gives it a pull, directing a stream of milk into the pail, but as he does the cow lifts her tail and lets out a monster fart. Smith reaches over and pulls another teat, with the same result.

“Now what do you think of that?”, he asks. “I’ve been farming 50 years and never seen nothing like that.”

Jensen is quiet for a minute, and then he asks, “This cow, did you get her over in Iowa?”

“Yes”, says Smith, “I did. How would you know that?”

Jensen rubs his head and replies, “You know my wife…”

“Yes, of course…”

“You know she’s from Iowa…”

“I seem to remember that, yes…”

“Well, she does the same thing.”
 
A gorilla orders a drink at the bar, gives the bartender a $20 dollar bill.
Bartender figures a gorilla can't count, so gives him just $5 back in change.

A few minutes pass and to make conversation with the unusual customer the bartender says
"Yanno, we don't get many gorillas in here."

The gorilla finishes the last of his drink and replies
"At 15 bucks a drink, I'm not at all surprised."

OR

A grasshopper hops into the bar, orders a whiskey.
As he is slurping it, the bartender says
"Yanno, there's a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies
"There's a drink named Irving?"
 
A guy walks into a bar and immediately notices a man who was only one foot tall playing a piano. The guy sits down at the bar and asks the bartender "What's the deal with the short guy playing piano?"
The bartender replies, "I'll tell you later. When you order a drink here, you will also get one wish granted from a genie."
So the guy orders his drink and sure enough, a genie pops out of nowhere and asks his wish.
The guy is amazed, but still has his wits about him and says quickly, "I wish for a million bucks!"
Suddenly the bar is filled with one million ducks.
The bartender turns to the guy and says, "Now do you understand? I didn't wish for a 12 inch pianist."
 
Very generous of you. Here's mine:

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work." The next morning, the barber found a dozen bibles at the door of his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You protect the public." The next morning, the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door of his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning, the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

Hehehe
 
"Yes, I have a lot of Irish blood in me, so calm down. Let's do this."



This is for all you Irish folks.

Do you want to hear a joke about an Irish man that doesn't drink??









............I bet you do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
im in!!!

What do you call a plastered Irishman bouncing off the walls of the pub as he stumbles around?

Ric O'Shea
 
Well, I'm 87.5% Scots-Irish, so what the hell. A shout-out to my countrymen.

Paddy and Sean were pilots on an Aer Lingus flight, a 747 from Dublin to New York. As they start to descend into Idlewild, Paddy sees a problem- the runway's too short! No way in hell can they land on it, but it's too late. They're almost out of fuel- they've got to try.

Paddy grabs the wheel, and starts yelling to Sean instructions for a crash landing. Sean, for the love of God, pull back hard, kick the engines into full reverse, throw the brakes, and start praying to Mother Mary with all your soul.

Prayers and curses intermingle as they touch down, engines screaming and tires exploding. Somehow, some way, they made it.

"Sean, I dinnae think we were going to make it. Who built a runway this short?"

"Yeah, Paddy, but look how fookin' wide it is!"
 
A man sitting in his living room watching the ballgame hears his doorbell ring. He heads to the door, opens it, and finds a snail on his front step.

"Can I have a word with you?" asks the snail.

"Get outta here!" the man yells. He then kicks the snail and sends him flying more than halfway down the block.

About a year later the man answers another ring of his doorbell. He sees the snail on his step again. The snail gives the man a hard look and says "What the hell was that about?"


Thanks for the chance at the TL-29. Some good jokes in here so far.


-- Nate
 
I'd like in, here's mine. . .

During the summer months when school was out Leroy and Toby would spend the summers fishing down at the lake. One day it was extremely hot, so they decided to go for a swim. After the boys shed their clothes Leroy looked over at Toby and said "damn Toby, how'd you get your thing to grow so long"

Toby replied "every night before bed, I slip down to the kitchen and get some of grandma's lard and rub it in real good. Then I stretch it out for a while and head up to bed."

That night Leroy slipped down to the kitchen, but all he found was a half full can of Crisco. Since it was all he had, he took a handful and went to work. He continued this throughout the summer. Then one day toward the end of August, it was hot again and the boys decided to go for a swim. After shedding their clothes, Leroy eyed over at Toby. Sure enough it was a little bigger than before. Then he looked down at himself and sighed.

"What's wrong Leroy," asked Toby

"I don't get it, I did exactly what you said and mine's not any longer" replied Leroy. "What's even worse, I went through two cans of Momma's Crisco."

Toby said "Well hell that's your problem! That shit's shortening!"

Chuck
 
Not an entry, as I already have a TL29. I just wanted to say thanks for your generosity and all the jokes. I am loving them!:thumbup:
 
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