TL-29 Giveaway

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Not an entry; But a pretty funny joke.

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million pounds. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"
"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would," she replies.
He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million pounds, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"
She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million quid, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."
 
A guy comes into work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His co-worker says, "What the heck happened to you?"

"Well, in church yesterday, when we stood up to sing a hymn, the lady in front of me had her dress jammed up in the crack of her butt,
so being a nice guy and all, I reached over the pew and pulled it out for her. WHAM, she socked me!"

The co-worker chuckled and said, "No kidding . . . but how did you get the second black eye?"

"Well, she got so mad at me for pulling it out, that when the next hymn came around and we stood up again, I tucked it back in for her!"

Thanks for the chance and the fun!
 
well i know alot of dirty jokes but ill keep it G rated with this cute one..

what did the blanket say to the bed?
dont worry i got you covered

hardy har har*knee slap*
 
Since we're on an Irish theme, I'm reminded of the story of two bachelor brothers, Pat and Seamus. One evening there was a knock on the door of their lonely farmhouse, and when Pat answered the door there stood a traveling saleswoman.

"I'm terribly sorry to bother you," she said, "but I'm lost and it's too dangerous to drive any further in this fog. Do you think I could stay here tonight?"

With the hospitality for which the Irish are justifiably famous, the brothers said she was welcome to stay.

"I'm so grateful," said the saleswoman, eyeing them up and down, "and if you boys are not averse to a little fun, we can all share the same bed."

Again the brothers agreed, possibly even faster than before.

"Marvelous. But you must promise to wear these condoms so I don't get pregnant." Pat and Seamus nodded their heads.

And so the brothers spent the most memorable night of their lives. In the morning the fog had lifted and, with a kiss for each of them, the saleswoman was on her way.

A month or two later, the brothers were hoeing their potato field. Pat had been unusually quiet all morning. Finally he said, "You know, Seamus, what do we care if she gets pregnant?"

Seamus thought a minute. "You're absolutely right, Pat. I'm taking this darned thing off."
 
matt1987 said:
well i know alot of dirty jokes but ill keep it G rated with this cute one..
Click to expand...

That reminds me of a cute one for the kids:

A bear and a rabbit were taking a sh#t in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit, "Do you have a problem with sh#t sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said, "No."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"* That won him the top prize at the pub
for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night."* She said, "Aye, did ye now.* And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.* The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
Mary said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.* You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years.* Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 
Cool giveaway.

Two nuns are driving along a dark country road in Transylvania, when suddenly a vampire leaps onto the bonnet of their car.
"Show him your cross! Quickly, Sister Margaret! Show him your cross!" Sister Agnes cries.
Sister Margaret then winds down her window, leans out and shouts "Oi! You! Get off my f****ing car!"
 
A piece of string walks into a bar and jumps up on the stool and says
"Bartender give me a shot". The Bartender says "sorry, we dont serve string". The string jumps down and goes home. String comes back the next night wearing sun glasses and a trench coat, jumps back on the stool and says "Bartender, give me a shot". The Bartender asked..."Are you not the same string that came in here last night". String responded "No, I'm a frayed Knot."
 
heres one from an arborists side, thanks for the chance

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
 
I found this elsewhere, obviously, but pretty funny nonetheless.

A biker was out riding his Harley down by the beach when he spots a beautiful woman riding by in a Mercedes convertible. She pulls into a parking spot, so he pulls up next to her on his bike. He figures she's wayout of his league, but still worth a shot. As he's climbing off his bike she glances over and at that moment sneezes. Her glass eye flies out and he reaches out and catches it. He walks over and hands it to her. Blushing with embarrassment, she pops it back in and thanks him. Then she says, "follow me", and takes him home to her mansion and makes wild passionate love to him till he falls asleep from exhaustion. He wakes in the morning and she makes love to him all over again, then runs to the kitchen and comes back and serves him breakfast in bed.

Finally, he confesses that when he saw her he thought she was beautiful, but didn't think he'd have a chance. He asks her if she always picks up bikers and treats them to this kind ecstacy?
She smiles and replies ...............




"no, you just happened to catch my eye." :D
 
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A man goes into the local pub, sits down and starts drinking. After a few hours he is so drunk he throws-up all over his shirt. Realizing he was going to have to go home and explain what had happened to his wife, he was very upset. The gentleman on the bar stool next to him, over heard him talking to the bar tender and said " Don't worry about your wife, This is what you do. You take a $10 bill and put it in the breast pocket of your shirt, when your wife asks what happened, you say the fellow next to you got so drunk that he leaned over and threw-up on you while you were drinking water. Remorseful, he gave you $10 for your dry cleaning bill. So, The man went home, walked in the door and his wife was standing there. She asked what had happened? The man stated that the fellow next to him was so drunk that he leaned over and thew-up, all over my shirt. He, feeling bad, gave me $10 for my dry cleaning!! and pulled the bill from his shirt pocket. His wife replied that is a $20 dollars bill. The man stated, the fellow also shit in my pants!!!!!!!!!
 
A man sits at the side of his dying wife. She says "I must confess to you something terrible before I pass". The husband says "forget about any of that...it's not neeeded".
"No" says the wife, " I need to tell you. I have been unfaithful. I have slept with your cousin, your brother AND even your father"
The husband leans forward and whispers gently into her ear, " I know...that's why I poisioned you"

Thanks for the chance!
 
A Priest and a Rabbi are standing outside of a chapel, A 10 year old boy walks by and the Priest says to the Rabbi, "Lets take him in and screw him", The Rabbi looks at the Priest and says, "Out of what"!!!
 
Hear about the Catholic Church opening a drive-thru confessional? It's going to be called:

"Toot and Tell or Go To Hell"
 
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
 
here is one.
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,

'Well, two Wong's Don't make a white,

So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?







Sum Ting Wong



now that's funny,i don't care who you are.
jd
 
Hey, thanks for your generosity, the chance to enter, and keeping the forum spirit up.

My sister-n-law just told me this one: ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES



A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but
hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.!
 
Here's some G-rated ones for ya'll:

Two T.V. antennas met on the roof. They start seeing each other, get serious, and soon they're married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, "I know you! I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!"

A three-legged dog hobbles into a bar, sizes everyone up, then says, "I'm lookin' fer the one who shot my paw..."

~Chris
 
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