Wife hates my knife making, need some tips

Discussion in 'Around the Grinder' started by Ladams19, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. milkbaby


    Aug 1, 2016
    It's good that you stood up for yourself. Things may be icy right now, but depending on how things go, it may turn around well for you. Especially as if you say you get some good juju from the Buddhist temple. GOod luck!
  2. kuraki

    kuraki Fimbulvetr Knifeworks

    Jun 17, 2016
    Ken H> likes this.
  3. Ladams19


    Oct 7, 2015
    Thank you, I will look more into this. I was not seeing anything that said it did. I am going to flat out need a monk to tell her otherwise and even then it might not matter depending on how deep her belief is.
    GABaus likes this.
  4. Hengelo_77

    Hengelo_77 Basic Member Basic Member

    Mar 2, 2006
    You drew a line in the sand.
    It may be chilly but so be it.
    You're not a male clone of your wife and you are not there to be formed as she wishes.
    If she still wants you, she'll have to accept you and the things you do.

    You've given her a lot. Now stand your ground and let her show you if she cares for the person you are

    And personaly I think that a person trying to force her/his believes on to an other person is way worst chi than anything else.
    How sickening to the mind of an upgrowing child is an enviroment where they see:
    "mummy loves daddy as long as daddy does exactly what mommy wants"
    That gives them wrong expectations for there adult life and relations as well.

    An equil relationship or no relationship
  5. Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

    Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith ilmarinen - MODERATOR Moderator Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Aug 20, 2004
    You, above anyone else in the universe deserve your love and affection - The Buddha
    running bird, milkbaby, L.H.S and 3 others like this.
  6. RayseM

    RayseM Gold Member Gold Member

    Feb 18, 2010
    Hard to argue with bad information - This - "Well its good to make knives for the temple and you will earn good merit for that, but its still bad chi. Bad chi will make the household sickness, the kids illnesses and cause our family to have bad things happen. So what if I make every knife for the temple. I was told I don't understand and any knife can be used as a weapon and this cause issues in my next life and bad chi." is all wrong. It's not a matter of interpretation but misunderstanding. There is more bad energy in the house from the bickering of family members than from 1,000 knives made in happiness and peaceful intent.

  7. Kevin McGovern

    Kevin McGovern

    Jul 31, 2015
    Sorry if this has been touched on already, but I feel the need to chime in since I've dealt with this (albeit to a MUCH smaller degree). My wife is a mental health therapist, so I have a little arm chair counselor credential as well. First off: Your wife needs to understand the meaning of compromise. You've been with her for a while, so I'm honestly not sure how you have been able to last this long with what seems to be an uncompromising spouse. You have given up a lot already for her comfort, what has she given up, or changed about herself to accommodate you? If the answer is nothing, or a lot less than you have, that is a MAJOR issue. It's not just about knives, compromise is founded in trust and trust is the keystone of marriage. You need marriage counseling. You may think you have to cede to her demands to keep the peace, but the problem is even if you do everything she asks, you are still on rocky ground. This is because compromise and by extension trust, is not present. In the short term, in no uncertain terms, hold your ground. Make it perfectly clear in a calm and diplomatic manner that you have accommodated her on other issues, but this issue is not up for debate. Let her know that you are concerned for the future of your relationship due to the unequal balance of accommodations, and that you want to do everything possible to better your relationship, short of giving up any and all desires YOU have to meet hers. My wife was not enamored with my hobby for some of the same reasons you list. Namely: it doesn't contribute to the household, and knives are weapons (though she was not rabid about it, she keeps a knife in her car). On the first count, I pointed out that my previous hobby, golf, not only cost money, but kept me out of the house for extended periods. I explained I need a hobby that allows me to create and work with my hands as it was therapeutic for me, and would benefit our relationship by extension. Once I started to break even and then began making money, I was sure to keep some of the funds in a separate account. When she wanted an elliptical machine two years ago, but we had already spent our Christmas budget, guess who got to be the hero? She has no financial argument now. To the "weapons" thing, I got into kitchen knives a while ago so I think she sees the balance in what I do. I also explained to her that I sell what I want to who I choose. I'm not making a karambit for a 12 year old. Sorry for the long read, I hope it was helpful. One last thing, for any married guys or just in a relationship. I highly recommend the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. It changed my life and likely saved my marriage. Good luck to you.
  8. Kevin McGovern

    Kevin McGovern

    Jul 31, 2015
    Oh, I forgot to mention, we've been married for 16 years and have a 14 year old and 11 year old twins.
    rodriguez7 likes this.
  9. not2sharp

    not2sharp Gold Member Gold Member

    Jun 29, 1999
    You try to keep it together for the kids. But, if you find yourselves weaponizing the kids against each other or bickering constantly in front of them, it is not going to do anyone any good.

    Ken H> likes this.
  10. Delmar Bros Knifeworks

    Delmar Bros Knifeworks

    Jul 18, 2018
    I would drive to the nearest State hospital and have her checked to make sure she has fell out of her rocker. If she asks where y'all are going, tell her it's a surprise vacation and the kids are going to a trusted family members house.

    After you drop her off at the mental hospital go back home (Or stop by a knifemakers supply store if need be? And finish up all the unfinished knives you have stored away.
  11. L.H.S

    L.H.S Gold Member Gold Member

    Jan 1, 2013
    I am in no place to give advice and don't think I could while being polite.

    I think it's worth considering that she is experiencing the real issue. It sounds like a form of neurosis or anxiety or obsession or post partum depression or something. Sounds unhealthy for EVERYONE involved. Her statements don't make sense in any belief system but the one she has apparated.

    I hope it turns out well.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  12. Kevin McGovern

    Kevin McGovern

    Jul 31, 2015
    Totally understand and it's not an issue. Just letting him know I'm in a similar situation kids wise
  13. Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith

    Stacy E. Apelt - Bladesmith ilmarinen - MODERATOR Moderator Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Aug 20, 2004
    I also wondered about postpartum depression. My first wife of 25 years had her major mental problems start about a year after the twins were born.
    GABaus likes this.
  14. Rancho5


    Feb 10, 2015
    So, novice knife maker here... and by no means a marriage expert. The only qualifications I have are 30 years of marital bliss, a Masters degree in education, but with a minor in family counseling.

    IMO, you have both been neglecting your marriage.

    Nothing you can do on this earth is more important than your marriage. Even the relationship with your children, which should be wonderful, should take a backseat to the relationship you have with your wife. No hobby, no job, no nothing is as important as your wife. And from experience, if your wife does not know that she is the most important person or thing to you in the world, deep in her bones, or if she feels that something else is more important than her, there will be problems. Again take this with a grain of salt because I am no expert, but fellow-knife maker, you need to court your wife. You need to date her on a regular basis, and you need to treat her like she is your queen. Because she is. You need to remember why you married each other in the first place and you need to go see counseling together. You've got deeper issues than knives.

    The reason she is acting the way she is his because she is screaming for attention, and because you love knives so much (we all do!) she has chosen knives to use against you. She's trying to hurt you where it counts, to get your attention to pay attention to her. She may think that you are married to your knives instead of her and she's jealous. So you need to decide which wife you want, and if you want to become a better husband or if you want to become a better knife maker. No success in any job or hobby can compensate for a failed marriage. And a divorce, while failing to change the flaw in ourselves that caused it (because all divorces are two-sided) will not solve anything because the problem will just continue on into the next relationship. Making a fantastic marriage is work and takes practice, just like making knives, but the rewards are so much more gratifying and rewarding than a piece of sharp steel that will one day return to the dust.

    Each of you is exhibiting symptoms of hurt and pain.You are spending a lot of time away from your wife (her perception) and she is being an unreasonable nag and bitter towards you (your perception). Each of you have deep and unmet needs, and as soon as you admit that you married each other to fulfill each others needs, you will begin to repair and become happy as a couple together.

    You mentioned doing chores and dishes for her. This may be a how are you like to express love and appreciation, but it may not be the way that she wants to receive love and appreciation. What is her love language? Yours is obviously having people do things for you. But, how did she feel appreciated and loved? Is it words, is it physical, is it spending time with her? You got figure that one out, because just doing dishes for somebody, which is what you want to do, when she could care less about the dishes and just wants your embrace and kind words, will mean nothing to her. You got find her love language and you've got to treat her like a queen using it.

    Every very wife needs, really needs, to be told that she is beautiful and that her husband loves her, every single day. With words.

    Every husband needs, really needs, to be told that he is appreciated for providing and for protecting his wife and family, every single day. With words.

    Jospeh de Maistre, French diplomat (and one of the FEW French people I ever quote) once said, "Every nation gets the government it deserves." I've often wondered if the same holds true if we substitute the word government with marriage.

    Marriage is hard work. Go to counseling together and rip off the band-aids that have been in place for years. Expose the wounds and start the healing. But first, put down your knife, wash your hands and ask your wife on a date. A real date. Home Deport isn't allowed.

    Edit: I don't really hate French people.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
  15. Rick Marchand

    Rick Marchand Donkey on the Edge Moderator

    Jan 6, 2005
    Rancho... Sounds like somebody is wrapped. Mutual respect, not fear-driven worship... it's pretty basic, bud.

    Quel connard.

    Honestly... I tried to come up with some equally rude comment about the "English" or "Americans" but realized it just isn't in me to be a bigot.:p
  16. kuraki

    kuraki Fimbulvetr Knifeworks

    Jun 17, 2016
    I've been meaning to ask how much did they pay you to be in Super Troopers 2? Was it fun? :D
  17. Rick Marchand

    Rick Marchand Donkey on the Edge Moderator

    Jan 6, 2005
    A coople loonies and a toonie, eh?
  18. Kevin McGovern

    Kevin McGovern

    Jul 31, 2015
    I don't see a description of fear driven worship. I see a description of one person loving another person. Love is an action NOT a feeling. The thing about relationships is that you can't MAKE the other person change. You can only control what YOU do. If treating your wife like a queen, doesn't eventually result in her treating you like a king, you've done all you can do.
    GABaus and Rancho5 like this.
  19. Drew Riley

    Drew Riley Riley Knife and Tool Knifemaker / Craftsman / Service Provider

    Oct 17, 2007
    I watched this the other day and had to check the casting credits. Apparently Rick used an alias for this role. :D
    kuraki likes this.
  20. Rick Marchand

    Rick Marchand Donkey on the Edge Moderator

    Jan 6, 2005
    I don't agree with your definition of love. I think the opposite... love is a feeling not an action. I can treat any woman like a queen... doesn't mean I love her.

    I treat my wife with respect, trust, admiration, companionship and a healthy dose of lust. We disagree on a great many things, which makes for interesting conversation. I do surprise her every now and then, to let her know how important she is to me but I DO NOT consistently treat her like a Queen, looking to be treated like a King in return. I cannot make her happy, she has to do that herself, as do I. She is important to me but so are my own pass times... I think she would be creeped out and feel a bit smothered if my world revolved around pleasing her... and i know she'd kick my ass if I put her before our kids. I wouldn't expect that of her, either.

    We have been together for 29 years and still going strong. I guess we just have a different way of going about it.

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