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tongueriver said:
"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.”
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Love it :thumbsup:
I'll have to tell that one to me father-in-law :D


K33ncutter said:
The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
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Had me laughing out loud :p


Dschal said:
You can’t get there from here! (Punchline to a great routine, “Which way to Millinocket?”)
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Lol! Yes, kind of the unofficial state motto here in Maine :)
 
A farmer had stayed in town drinking quite freely with his friends and was a bit unsteady when he started to drive his mule and wagon home. As they were going along, the mule stumbled and fell, and despite the farmers shouts and whackings it refused to get up.

"Come on, git up, durn ye!" he cried at last, exasperated, "or I'll drive smack on over ye!"


87bf2db26ae19de22a76fca110a49eff by Pine Moon, on Flickr
 
This has been my favorite joke for 20 years or more, probably, because it's such a great illustration of our postmodern society and the way we see ourselves compared to the way we see others, individualism versus all sorts of other ISMs (tribalism, racism, sexism, ageism, etc.). Shoot, the ideas underlying this joke probably make me kind of pessimistic about whether we as a society are even capable of "flattening the curve" in the current crisis.

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’m so glad to see you! We have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper said, “Why would you name a drink ‘Bob’?”

And here's another of my favorite "_____ walked into a bar" jokes with no societal implications, but it does require familiarity with the phrase Cogito ergo sum or some translation thereof:

Descartes walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

- GT
 
Here's a joke that relates to recent tea discussion in the Guardians thread. Two old philosophers are talking, when one of them, Mikhail Bakunin, offers to make some tea. He addresses his colleague Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, "My dear Proudhon, what sort of tea would you like, I've got peppermint, jasmine, or chamomile?"
"Good grief man!" Replies Proudhon, "Haven't you got any proper tea?"
"But Proudhon", says Bakunin, "I thought you told me all proper tea was theft?!" :rolleyes:

 
Ok, I wasn't going to do it, but you gotta love Jack and his great giveaways!
Hope this one hasn't been used, didn't see it as I was trying to read through all the funnys,

"What's the difference between Outlaws and Inlaws?"
.
.
.
"Outlaws are wanted!"
 
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Jack Black said:
Here's a joke that relates to recent tea discussion in the Guardians thread. Two old philosophers are talking, when one of them, Mikhail Bakunin, offers to make some tea. He addresses his colleague Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, "My dear Proudhon, what sort of tea would you like, I've got peppermint, jasmine, or chamomile?"
"Good grief man!" Replies Proudhon, "Haven't you got any proper tea?"
"But Proudhon", says Bakunin, "I thought you told me all proper tea was theft?!" :rolleyes:

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Finally, some knife content :thumbsup:
Nice video :)
 
mitch4ging said:
Ok, I wasn't going to do it, but yoy gotta love Jack and his grear giveaways!
Hope this one hasn't been used, didn't see it as I was trying to read through all the funnys,

"What's the difference between Outlaws and Inlaws?"
.
.
.
"Outlaws are wanted!"
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LOL! :D Thanks for joining in Dennis :) :thumbsup:

Pinemoon said:
Finally, some knife content :thumbsup:
Nice video :)
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:D :thumbsup:

I have an image folder with various images I've put together over the years...most of which make absolutely no sense at all out of context! :D :rolleyes:

wWWVNwz.jpg


Dm8L345.jpg


tHwRjUx.jpg


yut7kAq.jpg


XHh6D1H.jpg
 
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Jack Black said:
LOL! :D Thanks for joining in Dennis :) :thumbsup:



:D :thumbsup:

I have an image folder with various images I've put together over the years...most of which make absolutely no sense at all out of context! :D :rolleyes:

wWWVNwz.jpg


Dm8L345.jpg


tHwRjUx.jpg


yut7kAq.jpg


XHh6D1H.jpg
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Good quotes.
"Has anyone seen my easy open" is my favorite :p



"What made you join the army, corporal?" asked the sergeant.
"Well, I didn't have a wife and I love war'" replied the corporal.

"What made you join up, sarge?"

"Me?" returned the sergeant.
"Well, I had a wife and I love peace."
 
Stop me if you've heard this one.
I love this joke because a good firey brother of mines MUM told it...which makes it even worse.
Its about as historically accurate as any Hollywood movie. So..

In the dark ages when the Knights of merrie England rode off to the crusades they left behind their homes and wives for many long months at a time.
King Arthur who lead his army was worried that whilst he was away Queen Guinevere has been at it with the other knights to whom he had entrusted the safety of the kingdom.
So..King Arthur ordered the most skilled blacksmith in the land to build a chastity belt for QG....but inside there be hidden a small guillotine....
So he locks up , pockets the only key and goes off with his army of knights across the sea to fight the baddies who in those days were Saladin and his dervishes.
Upon his return 3months later he notices a sly glint in QGs eyes. King Arthur orders the knights of the round table to assemble.
"Drop the armour!"
So they drop their armoured trousers.
As he he walks along the parade King Arthurs face contorts and twists paingully as he gazes upon his knights wounds..Sir Galahad...completely chopped off!
Sir Gawain....still bleeding!
Sir Perceval...bandaged stump!
Sir Hector...Zounds! Ye have stitches in it!
Sir Balin ....looks like a Sabre
Toothed Tiger used it for a scratching post.
On and on ...knight after knight ...mutilated and shamefaced.
Finally... Sir Lancelot...he is standing proudly complete and unbruised...he dusts it off a bit for his King to inspect.
King Arthur is lost for words. "Sir Lancelot!" he exclaims."The bravest ,the purest the truest of my knights of the round table! Tell me! By the grace of god Sir Lancelot! How did you with withstand Guineveres temptation?....
And Lancelot says...
" mmm nnnerz eiiwwii! "
(it was easy!)..

Cheers.
 
Pinemoon said:
Good quotes.
"Has anyone seen my easy open" is my favorite :p



"What made you join the army, corporal?" asked the sergeant.
"Well, I didn't have a wife and I love war'" replied the corporal.

"What made you join up, sarge?"

"Me?" returned the sergeant.
"Well, I had a wife and I love peace."
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Thanks buddy, and thanks for all the great jokes :D :) :thumbsup:
 
Read the thread, now I've got to chime in.....

It's a prisoner of war camp in WWII Germany, and the Commandant is using the soldiers as slave labor to work the machines. The GIs are finding all sorts of ways to interfere with production, so the Commandant comes up with various ways to break down their morale and make them less resistant to working for the Reich. One of his ideas is to make them stand at attention for hours at a time, shaking their heads left and right and saying "TiK-Tok" like they are clocks--making them more like machines. After a while the Commandant notices a GI over in the corner with a crazed smile on his face just shaking his heat to the right saying, "Tik-tik-tik-tik"

The Commandant walks over to the GI, peers through his monocle, and says in thickly-accented English, "You think you are so clever, GI. But ve have vays of making you tok."
 
Math Jokes from me for the rest of the week! :thumbsup::cool::cool::thumbsup::D
How about some jokes related to the always-amusing Möbius band?
(Or do you call it a Möbius strip? We could say we're a Möbius strip club! ;))

Starting with a limerick is always good (and the cutting in half referred to must be a lengthwise cut along the entire midline):
A mathematician confided
That the Möbius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.

Variation on an old theme:
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the other ... er, um ... Never mind!

Allusions to Great Literature:
What's the name of a very large, nonorientable, sea-dwelling mammal?
Möbius Dick.

Supposedly a practical use of Möbius strips:
Möbius strip no-wear belt drive! (Please see other side for warranty details.)

For some reason, the parenthetical phrase reminded me of this common message that always makes me grin:
This Page Intentionally Left Blank

Here's a wooden example of a Möbius band, crafted by @WhittlinAway ; amazing work, Greg, thanks!! :thumbsup::):cool:
mobius.mark.closed.jpg

- GT
 
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