100,000 Likes Giveaway - Winners Drawn!

[tmd_87]

Congrats JACK!!!!!

 

[Jack Black]

9 more days of this stuff Jack can't you get older sooner?

I'm getting older all the time buddy

Great thread, Jack! And congrats on the 100k likes! I’ve always been impressed and a bit proud (though not really surprised) that 90% of the folks on that list are Porch regulars.

My maternal grandfather and my dad (both salesmen most of their lives) were great joke tellers, as were a couple uncles on both sides of the family. Unfortunately, I’ve always had a poor memory for jokes, but for some reason this one (which I’m sure you’ve all probably heard before) always stuck with me:

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that reads “NO ROPES ALLOWED” and says, “We don’t want your kind here, so get lost!”

The rope returns to the bar the next day, this time wearing a pair of sunglasses and a hat, sits at the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “You’re not fooling anyone with that disguise, rope! Now get out!”

The following day, the rope returns to the bar again, but before going in, he ties himself into an overhand knot, then takes out his Lambsfoot and splices the strands at the top of his head several times. He walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that rope that keeps coming in here?,” to which rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”

Thanks Barrett, it was @T. Erdelyi who brought it to my attention, I was struck by the same thing, considering The Porch is just a small part of the forum. Shows how generous folks are here

Love that joke!

Sue and I are doing really well Jack- although I have lost a bit of money over this Virus thing with Travel cancellations, stock markets crashing that my Super is connected to etc, but ...hey you always have to look on the bright side of life otherwise there's no use!

Glad to hear you're both OK pal, I think we're all going to be a lot poorer by the time this thing is over I'm not sure my savings are going to be worth much Sorry to hear that you had to miss your trip to see our friend @paulhilborn , and I hope you too can get together before too long Yep, got to try and look on the bright side, and that joke is a good start Take care and stay safe buddy

Congrats JACK!!!!!

Thanks Taylor

 

[Jolipapa]

A guy gets lost while trekking in the Alps. After a few hours he reaches a tiny log cabin, with a lovely heart on the door, a true fairy tale's cottage.
He knocks on the door and after a while an 8 yo youngster shows.
- Hello, says the guy, please, go and fetch your dad.
- I'm sorry Sir, I can't, he left when Ma' came in. (with a slow, Southern like, local accent)
- OK Sonny, so, go and fetch your Ma' then!
- No sir, I can't, she left when my big Bro' came in.
- Ok ok, now, please won't you go and fetch your brother.
- I wish I could but he left when my Sista came in.
- Right! So, please, go and fetch your sister, won't you!
- Impossible Sir, she left when I stepped in!
The guy gets mad and shouts :
- What the F... is that B... house???
Little boy answers politely:
- Don't get angry, Sir, the house is down there, this is the toilet.

edit : typo

 

[chuck4570]

Bad Dad joke of the day.

I had to buy a new knife today, the old one wasn't cutting it.

 

[Pinemoon]

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire (attire)


Some may be familiar with the Maine humor of "Bert & I"

 

[RayseM]

I tried to share Bert & I and Tim Sample too with my French Canadian family. Those stories they tell and their manner, of course, makes me laugh out loud. I thoroughly enjoy the humor. BUT to the family - I may as well have been playing LATIN poetry. I never felt so much as then that I was misplaced as a baby.

Glad to have found anothah brothah Don.

 

[CelloDan]

A guy gets lost while trekking in the Alps. After a few hours he reaches a tiny log cabin, with a lovely heart on he door, a true fairy tale's cottage.
He knocks on the door and after a while an 8 yo youngster shows.
- Hello, says the guy, please, go and fetch your dad.
- I'm sorry Sir, I can't, he left when Ma' came in. (with a slow, Southern like, local accent)
- OK Sonny, so, go and fetch your Ma' then!
- No sir, I can't, she left when my big Bro' came in.
- Ok ok, now, please won't you go and fetch your brother.
- I wish I could but he left when my Sista came in.
- Right! So, please, go and fetch your sister, won't you!
- Impossible Sir, she left when I stepped in!
The guy gets mad and shouts :
- What the F... is that B... house???
Little boy answers politely:
- Don't get angry, Sir, the house is down there, this is the toilet.

edit : typo

I was reading your post and suddenly heard my wife burst out laughing loudly behind me .... I had not noticed her reading it over my shoulder LOL

 

[Pinemoon]

Glad to have found anothah brothah Don.

Yes-ah, Ray. You too, my friend
Maybe you've heard this French-inspired skit. Maybe the folks wouldn't find this like Latin poetry? No offense, of course

 

[Jolipapa]

I was reading your post and suddenly heard my wife burst out laughing loudly behind me .... I had not noticed her reading it over my shoulder LOL

(could it be my English?)

 

[Scott J.]

Great thread, I'm in.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
-Lean Beef

 

[RayseM]

Yes-ah, Ray. You too, my friend
Maybe you've heard this French-inspired skit. Maybe the folks wouldn't find this like Latin poetry? No offense, of course

Could have used Moose Insurance with that one, Monsieur Gagnon. I trew my moose from the train a kiss.

 

[5K Qs]

Congratulations on the 100K Likes, Jack!
I assume those were all amassed since the "software upgrade" at BF; how long ago was that?
I'll bet if a "Like" button had been available through your entire BF membership, you'd have a MILLION Likes by now!

Thanks for the generous GAW to celebrate your milestone!
If I were to be fortunate enough that my entry is drawn, will you please pass the opportunity to select a prize to David @donn? Thanks!

As for jokes, I'm not very good at remembering or telling them. But I've spent some time online searching for jokes that I vaguely remembered as being enjoyable. I've managed to locate quite a number of them that I hope to post here throughout the coming week.

I intended to start with some of my daughter's favorites from when she was very young. I waited too long for one of them (see Post #138)! But here are some of them:

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
“Dam!”

Of course, given my career choice, I tried to encourage her to appreciate math-related dad jokes:

What did the zero say to the the eight?
"Nice belt!"

What does the Little Mermaid wear on her upper torso?
An algaebra.

A similar, but more recent, variation:
What do you call high school dudes who like to hang out together doing math?
Algebros.

How do you keep warm in a cold room?
Go to a corner of the room because it’s usually 90 degrees.

In later posts, I'll go with jokes that have amused me over the years.

- GT

 

[r8shell]

This thread reminds me of the time I went to see a double feature of Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies. I was rolling my eyes at first because the jokes just seemed so corny. But after so many corny jokes, one after the other, it's as if my jaded-teenager resistance was exhausted.

"Does your dog bite?"
"No."
Bends down to pet and dog snaps.
"You said your dog did not bite."
"That is not my dog."

I laughed so hard at that it was embarrassing.

My point being:

What does the Little Mermaid wear on her upper torso?
An algaebra.

Okay, that one did it. Ha!

 

[Norcaldude]

One of my dad's favorite jokes:

This young boy was sent to live with his old grandpa for a summer.
First night they are having dinner and the kid notices his plate is not very clean. He mentions this to his grand pa and the old man says "It's as clean as cold water can get it!"
So the kid shrugs and continues on. Then he notices the silverware is also not very clean. Again, he mentions it to his grand pa and the only man says "It's as clean as cold water can get it!"

After they are done eating the kid gets up to go to the bathroom but the old man's old hound dog is laying in front of the door and growls at the kid when he tries to get past.

From his seat at the table the grand pa says "Cold Water, get out of the way and leave that boy alone."

 

[Jack Black]

Congratulations on the 100K Likes, Jack!
I assume those were all amassed since the "software upgrade" at BF; how long ago was that?
I'll bet if a "Like" button had been available through your entire BF membership, you'd have a MILLION Likes by now!

Thanks for the generous GAW to celebrate your milestone!
If I were to be fortunate enough that my entry is drawn, will you please pass the opportunity to select a prize to David @donn? Thanks!

As for jokes, I'm not very good at remembering or telling them. But I've spent some time online searching for jokes that I vaguely remembered as being enjoyable. I've managed to locate quite a number of them that I hope to post here throughout the coming week.

Thank you Gary, the 'Like' feature did come with the last big software update. I hope nobody will be offended if I say that I'd swap all the 'Likes' for the reintroduction of :grumpy: !

I'm also not very good at remembering jokes, certainly not as I get older - I have a job just remembering where I live! Someone told me a very untopical joke the other week though, which he delivered well, and it really amused me. Again, I hope nobody will be offended

Linda McCartney passes away, and Macca has to tell the kids. He tells them he's got some bad news and some good news. "Kids, I'm afraid your mother has died." The kids are obviously upset. Moody teenager Stella then says, "But Dad, how could there possibly be any good news?" Macca pauses, then tells them, "WE CAN ALL GO TO MCDONALDS!!"

One of my dad's favorite jokes:

This young boy was sent to live with his old grandpa for a summer.
First night they are having dinner and the kid notices his plate is not very clean. He mentions this to his grand pa and the old man says "It's as clean as cold water can get it!"
So the kid shrugs and continues on. Then he notices the silverware is also not very clean. Again, he mentions it to his grand pa and the only man says "It's as clean as cold water can get it!"

After they are done eating the kid gets up to go to the bathroom but the old man's old hound dog is laying in front of the door and growls at the kid when he tries to get past.

From his seat at the table the grand pa says "Cold Water, get out of the way and leave that boy alone."

Hilarious!

 

[Half/Stop]

Single male with Purell and Lysol seeks:
Single female with toilet paper:
For good clean fun!

Don’t get excited! I’m definitely not talking about me!
It’s a joke!

 

[Pinemoon]

The little girl rushed into kindergarten.
With breathless excitement, she says, "We just got a newborn baby at our house. Why don't you come and see it, teacher?"

"Thank you," replied the teacher, "but I think I'd better wait until your mother gets better."

"Oh, you don't have to be afraid," the little girl said reassuringly. "It's not catching."

 

[SteveC]

 

[pmek5]

Farside was the best.

 

[5K Qs]

This thread reminds me of the time I went to see a double feature of Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies.

Rachel, I'm honored that you'd mention my corny Little Mermaid joke in connection with a legendary Pink Panther corny joke.

I'm reminded of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac, who lay awake nights wondering if there's a dog...
...

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time!

I'm not very good at jokes but I do like biographies. Why, the other day I was reading up on Gandhi, and I found out some interesting facts about him. For instance, he never wore shoes, so his feet were incredibly hard and rough. In addition to this poor nutrition left him quite frail and wracked by bad breath.
So I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I've never heard this one before, but I love it and most of the ones very similar to it that I've heard. I think I'm a big fan of jokes that depend on language nuances. Here's one of my favorites that doesn't work as well in writing as it does when told orally because it depends on the ambiguity of a homonym (homophone?) pair your/you're:

A man, wrapped in clear plastic food wrap but otherwise totally naked, walked into his doctor’s office and yelled, “What’s wrong with me, Doc?” The doctor replied, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

- GT