100,000 Likes Giveaway - Winners Drawn!

5K Qs said:
Here's one of my favorites that doesn't work as well in writing as it does when told orally because it depends on the ambiguity of a homonym (homophone?) pair your/you're:

A man, wrapped in clear plastic food wrap but otherwise totally naked, walked into his doctor’s office and yelled, “What’s wrong with me, Doc?” The doctor replied, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

- GT
Click to expand...
Homophone.

Great joke!
 
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”
 
Congrats on 100k likes. I’m in, it’s not much of a joke, but here it goes:
I told my wife I was going fishing. She asked how long I’d be gone. I told her “the whole time.”

I’m constantly saying some version of that “joke” around the house. The funny thing is, last time we went to visit my in-laws, when we got there my father-in-law asked how long it took us to get there. Without missing a beat, my 10-year-old daughter told Grandpa “the whole time”.

Thanks for a good giveaway. If I’m lucky enough to win I would hope for a Sheffield lamb foot, as I don’t have a Sheffield knife or a lamb foot.
 
Cal - you got it wrong in you Joke back there..

Quote:
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

It should have read:

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive, and proved to be so, Cow stops looking nervous after NZ Farmers Australian friend ends visit and goes home, only to find in months to follow gives birth to Hybrid Humanoid Calf! :eek:
New Zealand scientists Called it Meako!
 
I am in.
I have always been a fan of Chuck Norris and the series of jokes that started to go around many years ago.
Here are some of my favorites.
  1. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  2. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
  3. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  4. Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
  5. In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
  6. When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”
  7. Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
  8. If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
  9. The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
  10. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  11. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
  12. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, ‘Two seconds till.’ After you ask, ‘Two seconds to what?’ he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  13. Chuck Norris appeared in the ‘Street Fighter II’ video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
  14. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  15. Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
 
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