"Carl's Lounge" (Off-Topic Discussion, Traditional Knife "Tales & Vignettes")

What's really important?

This question became very very real to me the past few weeks. One morning, I was trimming the lower part of my beard, when I discovered a lump in my throat. Up on the right side, just over where you would feel for a pulse, there was a definite lump right where I supposed a lymph node to be. My mind flashed back to when I was 16 years old and dad got hit by Hodgkins disease. To say I went into a slight panic for a bit was an understatement. I called the V.A. and made an appointment as soon as I could, meanwhile thinking about and planning for the just-in-case. I'm a senior citizen with a history of cancer in the family, and I read some article that genes play an important part in some cancers. I got surpringly calm, and realized that I don't have any kind of special dispensation, that I'm only human, and I know that someday, somewhere, some doctor is going to be giving me some bad news. Hey, it happens.

But the funny thing was, when I saw the doctor and he felt, and probed, and pulsated, and pressed, he thought it may be a lymph node, and I thought "Oh great!" But I had already had some surprising thoughts. After the initial worry that it may be the big "C" I started thinking of what had been really important to me. All of a sudden it wasn't any material things, gun or knife collections, nada. Nothing. I could have tossed it all into the San Gabriel river. All my thoughts were all suddenly focused with crystal sharp pin point focus, on my people. I worried how Karen would get by without me. How I'd never see Briana graduate from high school. Things like that.

The days went by soooo slow, and I kept feeling the lump in there, and it got a little bigger, feeling it as I tried to swallow. The appointment for the CT scan seemed to take forever to come. Laying there with the young lady getting me all prepped, I.V. in the arm for the dye for the 'contrast' the E.N.T. clinic doctor ordered. She go the all positioned in the machine, felt the lump so she could put a little dot like a bullseye on the high spot of the lump. I asked her if she cold feel it, concerned that the CT scan had to be accurate. She said "Oh yeah, it's very pronounced."

Great. I had started to make my final plans for my final few months. I wanted to finish up in Key West. I had always loved that place, and had no plans for sobriety in my final days. I had already told my son-in-law, John the giant Swedish guy, that he had to asset me in my plans. He was willing. I wanted to go out in a most Hemingwayish way. Rum, hand rolled Dominican's, Tarpon, and blurry nights in the Schooner Wharf Bar.

So the doc called me to let me know that I was to see him for a follow up consult yesterday, for this Friday. I asked him if he was planing to do any chemo or should I go right to plan B. He asked me what plan B was so I told him. He laughed over the phone and told me not to start cashing in my stock accounts just yet, and leave the savings account alone, because I have a stone in my right lower saliva gland. No big "C", nothing that is going to cut short my time here, and he wants to discuss options with me. Some medication, or at the worst case, a small incision and removal of the stone.

At first was some relief of course. Karen was going to be stuck with me for a while longer, and I may live to see granddaughter Briana off to college. Maybe. Then I actually had a tiny bit of disappointment. I was going to have had one hell of a bash in Key West. Oh well.

But when I thought about the whole thing, the whole "Oh shite, I'm gonna die" kind of thing, I was surprised at how little fear I felt, but over whelming worry about my loved ones. It was then the final epiphany hit me.

I'd been feeling less and less engaged with 'things' over the past several years. Less and less engaged with possessions in my life. I'd already had the downsizings, and given away most of my stuff. But now I realized I could give it all away, that the only thing at this stage of my life that really makes any difference to me is my people. That lady that has put up with me for all these years, shared my life, good and bad, and the kids.

After a good scare, I don't know if I care anymore about any inanimate object anymore. Knives, whatever.

It was a big refocusing of my view of life.
 
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Thanks for sharing, Carl. This was the best post I've read in a while. I've spent too many nights in the hospital this last year praying and watching loved ones sleep. I haven't yet had the scare for my own life, but I have felt that for family members. In fact, my cousin just spent last night in the ICU. Your post really hits close to home for me. I really appreciate you taking the time to type it out. Reading your words slams home thoughts that have been swimming around in my head.
 
Carl, I'm so glad you and yours are doing just fine. :thumbup: you had me there for a moment wondering where this was all headed.
 
Good to hear you are OK Carl.
Had to get some testing done a few months ago, myself. Mine came up negative, too. But, you are right. It does make you think on things.
 
Looking over the edge always makes you prioritize quickly. You begin to ask those truely important questions, face the choices you have made, reevaluate values, and even question who you are.

Some have stood on that edge longer than others. They watch those who go close peak over and catch a glimpse of reality only to forget what they saw a few months, years, later. They begin to see that away from the edge life has a way of desensitizing perspective. Old habits, lifestyles, and mindsets all fall back into place as they once were.

I have shared my story with a few folks on here. The view at the end is the most amazing gift as it causes perspective to refocus, reevaluate, and in a way humble oneself to the eventual truth.

Thankful you are ok Carl. Hold on to that renewed focus good sir.
 
I hate hospitals Carl but I hate funerals even more. I reckon there're a few miles in you yet.:)
Recently one of my best mates and a brother I never had who I joined the fire brigade with back in 85 had a big scare of a similar nature to yours.
Went to the doctor with a sore throat got diagnosed with cancer in the tonsils and back of throat. Was rushed to Sydney St Vincents Hosp and underwent a 15 hour op.
They opened him up,cut out the bad stuff, made him a new soft palate from skin off the inner wrist (less hairy) and made a new inner wrist from skin off his leg.
All went well and hes now on chemo at home.He's my age and it makes me wonder without wanting to sound selfish -whats around the corner for me?
Cheers and best wishes .
 
I'm glad to hear you're ok Carl! I don't think I've ever been so scared as when my wife found a lump. The wait was awful. She was ok too - but it stops you in your tracks.


- Paul
 
Carl, I'm glad things turned out ok for you. Somewhat similar to my story. Although I've been battling cancer for a couple years now, it wasn't until very recently that everything just hit home and hit hard. When the Dr's told me that all attempts have failed and I made the decision to suspend any further efforts, everything came into perspective. My family was the first thing on my mind. And especially so for my grandson. I'm at peace with my prognosis and I've been taking steps to assure that my family will be cared for. My only focus as for things like knives right now is for a small collection for my grandson. The whole decision process has been especially hard for him to come to terms with. He has taken a new found interest in my knives and wants to learn more about them. As I mentioned to a coupe other members, I think her feels like it's something tangible for him to hold on to and associate with his "Pa" (me). So I've picked up a couple to add to his collection, but beyond that, I think I'm done for myself.
It really does highlight the most important things in your life. Take that lovely wife of yours to Key West anyways. :D
 
BigBiscuit said:
Carl, I'm glad things turned out ok for you. Somewhat similar to my story. Although I've been battling cancer for a couple years now, it wasn't until very recently that everything just hit home and hit hard. When the Dr's told me that all attempts have failed and I made the decision to suspend any further efforts, everything came into perspective. My family was the first thing on my mind. And especially so for my grandson. I'm at peace with my prognosis and I've been taking steps to assure that my family will be cared for. My only focus as for things like knives right now is for a small collection for my grandson. The whole decision process has been especially hard for him to come to terms with. He has taken a new found interest in my knives and wants to learn more about them. As I mentioned to a coupe other members, I think her feels like it's something tangible for him to hold on to and associate with his "Pa" (me). So I've picked up a couple to add to his collection, but beyond that, I think I'm done for myself.
It really does highlight the most important things in your life. Take that lovely wife of yours to Key West anyways. :D
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Thanks bud! I know you've had your own battle going, and it's good to get that perspective.

It was sooo weird that after the initial shock of thinking that I may have a big checking out in the near future, that I got so calm and was at peace with what was maybe going to happen. I can only wonder if we reach a certain age, that we have an ability to accept that we have a shelf life, and that we are very close to it. Now I have a whole other perspective about things. I'm not smart enough to figure out the mysteries of life, but why do we have to come close to death (or think we are) to figure out what's really important?
 
I'm so glad you are ok Carl. Bob I believe in a peace that surpasses understanding and I think you are starting to experience it. Many of you know my story and I won't bore you with it. I'll just say that it is a miracle I am still here because according to several Doctors I shouldn't be. Now there are more things I can't do that I used to than I can but one thing I can still do is spend as much time as possible with those I love and truly live each day I have happy and satisfied. I have learned that although things are fun they are not important, people and their happiness is what's important.
 
Life is too short to be spent on wishing and wanting to do certain things. Best to go for it when you still got a chance and enjoy, That being said, good thing it was just a salivary stone and they got it out!
 
Glad to hear the diagnosis turned out to be no worse than it was. I'm sure it does change one's perspective.

Too many people have been getting sick lately and I hurt not just for them and those around them, but for myself as well. I just turned 50 this summer and since I have no family it makes me wonder where my collection will end up. I suspect a few here might end up with a piece or two.

Take care of yourselve folks. The porch wouldn't be the same without you.
 
Carl, my friend, the luck of the Irish, Murphy at your heel every day, sometimes you get the opportunity to knock the bloody bastard down or at least give him the finger. I'm very happy to hear that was only a stone, although a stone in your neck?

I remember what you told me after my accident, "Don't cry over what can't cry for you". I might have butchered it. I've gone nuts over some knives, guns and other things, but looking for a house right now, seeing my parents and aunts and uncles have aged so much in the past ten years, my uncle recently passed from cancer... Live that life. I've been using my weight and my injuries as a crutch. How many people are out there active with a broken spine? So what if Murphy brings a sledge hammer to whack on my back every time it rains/snows/sleets/pressure change/temp change etc? I'm able to get about.

Take that trip to Key West my friend. Mail yourself a peanut or a SAK or a big honking machete, you never know when the zombies with their heads buried in their phones will attack. Bath salts and iPads... Get fall down drunk at the bar anyway. Don't blow your retirement account, but enjoy yourself.

With my new position, I'm glad to have overtime available, but I am really coming in on Saturdays to get work accomplished. I'm behind. A late friend of mine from the same agency but different section told me to never work overtime in my life, that mgmt. would expect me to work overtime every time it's offered. Everyone needs to work and everyone has their money issues, but enjoy time with family and friends.

I'm rambling as usual. It took an end of lunch break visit from a quite pretty friend of mine at work to turn my frown upside down. Strikingly beautiful gal with a great smile and a genuine interest in how your day is going will definitely improve your mood. I am very happy for you man.
 
Great post, Carl. It's testimonies like yours and Bob's that help us younger folks hopefully put things into perspective. I've also been finding some things in the Good Book, lately that are helping bring my mind into focus, and teach me to let the little things slide, and pay more attention to what's really important.

Good on you, Carl. And I agree with the others. Take that wife of yours and your Son-in-Law, and have some fun in Key West. Bring all the family you can. It's memories like those that you would make, that stay long after you're gone.
 
Great posts Carl and Bob, at times subjects that ( unfortunately ) are part of everyday life are just darned hard to talk about.

A lot of us feel Bobs struggle- I for one take this a bit personally - because - although I dont take life for granted, I at times almose feel guilty for being what doctors term a "Survivor" - when others simply and at most unfairly do not have that option.

I know I will never be in the clear,and things are still being monitored because of the "spots" on my Lungs and Liver - but Carl - that would NOT have been a pleasant time, I remember when the Doctor rang and told me not only do I have Bowel cancer- but there was also spots on my Liver and Lungs, I thought it was a case of being terminal - waiting over a week for the next lot of scans, and another week to find out the results was a lifetime I can tell you.

Im glad the Throat thing turned out to be a hand-able thing for you, but what this does is exactly like you say - it makes one look at life completely differently - I was really worried about my Heart Aneurysm - as my Aorta Arch is Bulging away quite magnificently - but after having Cancer - the upcoming operation is going to be what it is, as I realise I am really lucky to have made it this far, my Brother only lived to 29, Im 52 and Andrew ( my Brother ) was 4 &1/2 years older than me - so it's a perspective thing - My girls have grown to be wonderful young Ladies, I am so lucky to be with such a wonderful lady for all this time who has two beautiful children of her own whom I am so lucky to share their lives ( although I tease the hang out of them) - I am privileged to have made it so far - and not many people can say that, so I will just see where, and how far life takes me on this Journey.
 
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