Clean jokes...

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Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, 'Do you know where God is?'

The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked, 'Son, do you know where God is?'

The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, 'Do you know where God is?'

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home.

He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.

His friend had followed him home asked, 'What happened in there?'

The boy replied, 'God is missing and they think we did it!'
 
A guy goes to the psychiatrist.

And the psychiatrist asks, "What line of work are you in?"

The guy replies, "I'm an auto mechanic."

The psychiatrist says, " So get under the couch."
 
annr, you keep reminfing me of similar jokes.:)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doc looks at him and says, "Well...I can clearly see ur nuts!"
 
Brian Jones said:
annr, you keep reminfing me of similar jokes.:)

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doc looks at him and says, "Well...I can clearly see ur nuts!"
Click to expand...

No prob, you do too.:).....

A guy goes to see the psychiatrist.

And the psychiatrist asks, "What brings you in here today?"

The guy says, "I keep feeling like I have these crawly bugs all over me."

The psychiatrist replies, " Don't get 'em on me!"
 
Morimotom... a Fred-head is a fan of Fred Eaglesmith. He tells that joke in concert, and it's been recorded on a live album or two.
 
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
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to get to the other slide.....;)


G2
 
I was standing in line at the supermarket with my 6 year old son. There was a very large (fat) lady in front of us. When her pager began to beep my son shouted, "Watch out Dad! She's backing up!"
 
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him,
"What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said,
"This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history..
 
a hillbillie goes into an electronics store and asks the sales associate, "How much is that t.v?"
The sales associate says "sorry I dont sell to hillbillies."

So the hillbillie wears a fancy suit and hat and goes back. "How much does that t.v cost?" (in a british accent).

Sales associate: "look I already told you I dont sell to hillbillies."

So the hillbillie goes back home and covers his face with bandages so its immpossible to recognize him. "How much is that t.v?"

Sales associate: How many f**** times do I have to tell that I dont sell to hillbillies?"


Hillbillie: "Okay, fine I give up. I wont come here again but just tell me how you knew it was me."

Sales associate: "Thats not a t.v, its a microwave."
 
How do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?

You paint it's toenails red!





Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?



Works pretty good, doesn't it!


J-
 
An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure that nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to him about the problems they were having with their memories. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked him, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you please get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumed into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said; "I knew it. You forgot my toast."
 
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's long and horny?
A horn.

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

What's wet and creaky?
A creek.

What's green and leaky?
A leek.

I have a whole page of these things if anyone wants me to post them.

Want to hear a dirty joke?
A boy fell in the mud.

Want to hear a clean joke?
He took a bath.

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
 
One of my favourite guys is Stephen Wright, I'll post a few of his here;

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

:)
G2
 
Gary W. Graley said:
One of my favourite guys is Stephen Wright, I'll post a few of his here;

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

:)
G2
Click to expand...

his stuff always made me laugh too.

ill probably mess it up, but: last night someone broke in to my apartment, and replaced everything with an exact replica.
 
Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a light bulb?

How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one. But it takes a whole emergency room to take it out.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
Walk 'em and then pitch to the rhino.

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a railroad track?
Three pieces of alligator.

Why don't blind people skydive?
Because it scares the hell out of the guide dogs.

How does a blind parachutist know when the ground is close?
His guide dog's lead goes slack.

What's bright yellow and can't swim?
A bulldozer.



:D
j
 
A guy robs a Georgia bank and takes hostages.

In the course of the robbery his mask slips off.

He asks one of the hostages,
"Did you see my face?"

The hostage answers yes, and the robber shoots him dead.

Then the robber turns to the second hostage.
"Did you see my face?"

The second hostage quickly answers,
"No, but my wife did ."
 
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