Clean jokes...

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Two men and one woman applying for a job with the CIA.
During the interview, they tell the first man before they go any further, he must complete one task before they can accept him, they give him a gun and tell him his wife is in the next room, he must go in there and shoot and kill her. He immediately refuses and they tell him to go his way he failed the test.




Second man is told the same thing, he takes the gun and goes into the room and much later comes out crying, he says he just can't do it. So they dismiss him and tell he is out.









The woman is told her husband is in the next room and given the same instructions, she takes the gun and goes into the room. Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, then all sorts of noises come out of the room. Crash, Screaming and banging against the wall. Finally she emerges, She tells the interviewers, that dadgum gun was loaded with blanks, I had to beat him to death with a chair.

James
 
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?," she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?," she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
 
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "AnnR, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Not everything is what it seems.:D:D
 
markksr said:
...
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Click to expand...

That reminds me...

"God?" asked Adam. "Why did you make Eve so beautiful."
"So you would love her."
"God?" asked Adam. "Why did you make Eve so soft."
"So you would love her."
"God?" asked Adam. "Why did you make her smell so good."
"So you would love her."
"God?" asked Adam. "Why did you make Eve so dumb???"
"So she'd love you!"

markksr said:
"I knew it. You forgot my toast."
Click to expand...

A man and his wife go to the doctor 's office for his annual physical. The doctor gives the man his checkup and finds nothing physically wrong. The man is really upbeat and the doctor decides to talk to him a bit. The doctor asks why the man is so happy. The man says, "In my youth I always asked God to show me by tangible means that he loved me. In my old age He's still doing just that." "What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," said the old man, "Every night when I get up to use the bathroom, God turns on the light for me. I just open the door and the light comes on. See? God loves me." The doctor thanks the man for his time and calls the wife back to his office while the man is getting dressed. He gives her a report on his health and relates the story about the bathroom light. The lady just shakes her head. "Well, doctor, now I know who's been peeing in the refridgerator at night..."

Bastid said:
"No, but my wife did ."
Click to expand...

Bad bastid! bad bastid! :D (look at the pot calling the kettle black, huh?)
 
LOL, true very true.
 
There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house.

The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, "You can't stay here you have to come with us."

The old man replied, "No, God will save me." So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again told the old man he had to come with them.

The old man again replied, "God will save me." So the boat left him again.

An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them.

Again the old man refused to leave stating that, "God will save him." So the boat left him again.

Soon after, the man drowns and goes to heaven, and when he sees God he asks him, "Why didn't you save me?"

God replied, "You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!"
 
An Irishman named Davy is drinking the night away at the local Pub, and Nature makes her inevitable call.

Up he rises, and stumbles past Jock, the barkeep, on his way to the 'loo. Jock nods, but otherwise takes no notice as Davy teeters on his mission.

A few minutes later, a blood-curdling shriek resounds from the back of the bar, and Jock goes tearing back into the bathroom, where he finds Davy half-naked and trying to climb the bathroom wall.

"Davy, ya great nutter," says Jock, "What's got ye up there, then?!?"

"OH, sure and it's terrible!" cries Davy.

"Come down, and tell me whatever's the matter, Davy." Jock says, trying to soothe his patron's nerves.

"I'll not come down there!" shrieks Davy, in a horrible state, "Not while that MONSTER'S down there, sure'n I won't!!"

Jock, taken quite aback, casts a quick eye around the bathroom and, seeing no evidence of monsters, pulls Davy down from his perch. Davy, for his part, squeals like a little girl caught under a steamroller until Jock slaps him smartly, across the face.

The blow having sobered Davy somewhat, Jock says, "Now, Davy, sure'n ya's can see that there's no monsters in my bat'room, ho?"

Davy, who has shut his eyes firmly against whatever imagined terror grips him, wails, "Oh, but there is, Jocko, THERE IS!!"

Jock, by now growing tired of the foolishness assumes a more peremptory tone and replies, "Alright then, ya drunk, if there's a monster, then SHOW ME!!"

Davy, trembling, sits down, and explains with a quiver in his voice, "Faith'n it's terrible, Jock me boyo...when I goes ta flush the toilet, something reaches up and tries to BITE ME ON ME BUTTOCKS!!"

Well, Jock can hardly believe his ears, so he says, "Well, show me then!"

Davy obliges, and again howls as his eyes roll up in their sockets and he yells, "THERE IT IS, AGAIN!! IT'S GOT ME, JOCKO!! IT'S GOT ME!!! OH, SAINTS AND HEAVENS PRESERVE ME...!!!"

Jocko, reassuringly says, "Davy, get up off of the mop bucket."

[/rimshot]
 
Not exactly a joke, but a difficult question:
Where was the man when he jumped from the bridge?
 
Three men, a German, an Irishman and a Chinaman all reported for their first day of work on the new rail line.

The Foreman greeted them and began by assigning them their jobs.

He started with the German "your in charge of placing the track"

Then the Irishman "you drive the spikes"

Then he said to the Chinaman, " Your in charge of supplies"

With that he said he'd return in an hour to see how they were and walked off.

an hour later he returned to find the German and the Irishman sitting an talking.

In a roar he yelled " WHY HAVEN'T YOU STARTED, YOU SHOULD HAVE LAID 500 FEET OF TRACK BY NOW!!!!"

The German replied ' Ze Chinaman, He not return wit ze supplies!"

the Irishman responds, " Dat Chinaman walked off, and we've not seen 'im since"

The forman enraged, storms off to locate the Chinaman. As he passes a large boulder the Chinaman jumps out and yells..... :"SUPPLIES!!!!!"
 
No, he was deep inside his mind thinking, "Now I've gone and cut myself and I don't have a band-aid. If I had bought from that knife dealer who gives you a free band-aid I would be all set, but I didn't. I am so stoopid! I might as well just jump off the bridge."
 
There are lots of variations of this joke. Plug in your favorite ethnic group.

Three construction workers are building a skyscraper, spending many days on high steel, in dangerous locations.

One is Irish, one is Mexican and the third is a Polack.

At lunch time, sitting on a high steel beam, the Irish guy opens his lunch and says, "Oh no, not corned beef again! Corned beef, always corned beef. If I get one more corned beef sandwich, I swear I am going to jump and end it all."

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, "Not another burrito. All I ever get is Burritos. All the time burritos. I am with you, if I get one more burrito I am going to jump too."

The Polack open his lunch and says, " Kielbasa again. If I get kielbasa one more time, I am jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opens his lunch and says, "CORNED BEEF! That is the final straw." ...and he jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch and says, " A BURRITO again. That is it, I can't take it any more."...and he jumps to his death.

The Polack opens his lunch and says, "Oh no, KIELBASA again --I'm with you guys." ...and he jumps to his death.

They have a joint funeral and at the funeral the Irish wife is moaning, "Why didn't I give him roast beef or ham. I could have given him ham and cheese...." The Mexican wife is wailing, "I could have given him tacos. Why didn't I make him fajitas...."

The Polack's wife says, "HEY DON'T LOOK AT ME. STANLEY MADE HIS OWN LUNCH."
 
TIGHT LEATHER SKIRT

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only
to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the
step. Once again, much to her chagrin, sh e could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we
was friends."
 
Ann, no rope around...but I do expect he thought "Holy Toledo".
James, he was ON the bridge BEFORE he jumped.
Brian, that would probably involve a wife pushing him.
Coug, I like the way you think, but....
 
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".


A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Howard, a young gay man telephones his mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish, mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
 
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