Clean jokes...

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Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

They think their picture is being taken.


Why shouldn't blondes have coffee breaks?

It takes too long to re-train them.


What do you call an eternity?

Four blondes at a four way stop.


What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.


Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?

You have to hollow out the head.
 
Why can't blondes make ice cubes?

They always forget the recipe.


Did you hear about the two blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."


Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?

They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.


Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned at spring training.
 
I dumb blond was sitting at a bar and watching the news on the TV at the end of the bar. The news reporter said "There's been an earthquake in South America, and Brazilians have been killed". The dumb blond gasps in horror and says "Oh my God thats terrible, ,, wait a minute, How many is a brazilian???"
 
mykulmorris said:
I dumb blond was sitting at a bar and watching the news on the TV at the end of the bar. The news reporter said "There's been an earthquake in South America, and Brazilians have been killed". The dumb blond gasps in horror and says "Oh my God thats terrible, ,, wait a minute, How many is a brazilian???"
Click to expand...
Just how many is a brazillian? Anywhere close to a gazallion?:D:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: Nice one!!!
 
A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer who also was a blonde. The blond cop asked to see the other blonde’s driver’s license. The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

“What does it look like?” she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.” The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”
 
The Ultimate Sacrifice

There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
 
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and says, "Well now I paid you, Now, what does goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
Here's proof:
I appears that, when it comes to travel, blondes have a particularly difficult time.

Aisle vs Window Seat
Did you hear about the blonde who asked for an aisle seat on the airplane? She didn't want her hair to get messed up sitting by the window.

A Clear View
While making plans with a travel agent for a trip to Europe, the blonde asked, "Can you see England from Canada?"

"No," replied the travel agent, a bit stunned.

"But they look so close on the map."

Hawaii Here I Come
A blonde was planning a trip to Hawaii. After getting the details about a package deal, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

It's Where?
A blonde called the airlines to make a reservation to Capetown. As the ticket agent started to explain the details of the trip - length of the flight, passport information, etc. - the blonde interrupted him and said, "I don't want to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."

Without having to try to make the blonde look stupid, the ticket agent said, "Capetown is in South Africa. Cape Cod is in Massachusetts."

Ocean View
The blonde called her travel agent, furious about the hotel reservations she had gotten for her trip to Orlando. "What is the problem?" asked the travel agent.

"I specifically told you I wanted a room with an ocean view."

The travel agent tried to explain to her that Orlando is in the middle of the state.

"Don't lie to me," she said. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.

DFW
A blonde asked her travel agent to make reservations for a car in Dallas. The agent looked at her reservation and saw that she only had a one hour layover in Dallas. "Why would you need a car?" he asked.

"Well, I've heard that Dallas is a large airport. I thought I'd use a car to drive between gates to save time."

Time Zones
The blonde called the airlines to ask how her flight could leave Chicago at 10:30 a.m. and arrive at Detroit at 10:33 a.m. the same day. The agent explained that Detroit is an hour ahead of Chicago. The blonde simply could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, the agent said that the plane flew really fast. That did it.
 
A blonde was making a reservation for a trip to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the reservation agent reminder her that she needed a visa.

"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China several times and I've never needed one."

The agent double checked and, sure enough, there was a visa requirement. When he told this to the blonde, she said, "Look, mister. I've been to China five times and I never had any trouble with them accepting my American Express."
 
The blonde called to make a reservation. She told the agent she wanted to fly to Rhino, New York. The agent, not knowing of a town called Rhino, asked if she was sure that was the name of the place. The blonde insisted, so the agent searched through every air port code in the country.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't find a Rhino anywhere," he said.

"Don't be silly. It's a big city. Everyone knows where it is. Look at your map," said the blonde.

The agent did and came back to the phone. "Ma'am," he said, "Could it be Buffalo?"

"Whatever," she said, "I knew it was some big animal.
 
A wife and her blonde husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbor's dog was barking. This had been going on for months. Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.

Finally, the blonde says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this." So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door. A little while later, he comes back.

"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.

"I put the dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
 
Two blonde guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said blonde guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Blonde guy number two shook his head and laughed. "Isn't that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
 
Two blonde guys walk into a pet store. One says to the store owner, "We want four budgies."

The owner asks, "Do you want two males and two females, or all males or all females."

The blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."

The owner then asks, "What colors would you like? We have blue, yellow and green."

Again, the blonde says, "It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."

The owner says, "OK, then," gets four random budgies and puts them in a pet carrier. The second blonde guy gets out his wallet and pays for them. They leave with the birds.

They then drive to a high cliff. The first blonde reaches into the pet carrier and takes out two of the birds. Grasping them firmly, he flaps his arms and jumps off the cliff. He falls like a rock and goes SPLAT at the bottom.

The second blonde looks over the cliff at his friend and says, "Dang. This budgie jumping isn't what it's cracked up to be."
 
why did Jesus stop playing hockey???

He kept gettin nailed to boards!!! rofl!!!!1!!!

haha sorry if it offends but i looove that one!
 
How do you kill a Circus?
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you go straight for the Juggler...:)
G2
 
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Extremely Good Looking and
Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a Lieutenant who inspected his men and told the 'gunny' that they smelled bad. The Lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear.
The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye, sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones. McCarthy, you change with Dzwill. Brown, you change with Schultz. Get to it."









The moral: A candidate may promise 'change' in Washington, but don't count on things smelling any better. ;)
 
At Penn State University , there were four sophomores
taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit
some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the regularly scheduled final, they would explain to their professor why they missed taking the test. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.

The next day the professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. ...

Then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire? _________
 
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia .

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.
 
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!"
 
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