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Clean jokes...
- Thread starter Gary W. Graley
- Start date
- Status
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
The old Sioux chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.
"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all his problems."
The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent events in New York, in your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"
The chief stared at the government officials and continued smoking his pipe for over a minute, and then calmly replied: "When white man found this land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. No house payments. No Daycare. Plenty buffalo. Women did all the cooking. Medicine man free. Indian men hunted and fished all the time."
The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Men in Heaven - Who is the Head of the Household?
At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
At the end of the age when all the believers were standing in line waiting to get into heaven, God appeared and said, "I want all the men to form two lines. One line will be for the men who were the true heads of their households. The other will be for the men who were dominated by their wives."
God continued, "I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
The women left and the men formed two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was seemingly unending. The line of men who were the true head of their household had one man in it.
God said to the first line, "You men ought to be ashamed or yourselves. I appointed you to be the heads of your households and you were disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you, there is only one man who obeyed me. Learn from him."
Then God turned to the lone man and asked, "How did you come to be in this line?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Southern Baptist at the Race Track
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?
One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, "With the priest's blessing, surely this horse will win." He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.
At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse's forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.
A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.
This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.
At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, "I have got to go for broke here." With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.
The horse came in dead last!
As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, "What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost."
"That's the problem with you Protestants," said the priest. "You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back .same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalk board that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Among Us,
they Reproduce,
and Worst of all ...they Vote!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor.
She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back .same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalk board that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free."
She handed me my free lattes and I walked out the door.
They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
They Walk Among Us,
they Reproduce,
and Worst of all ...they Vote!
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading
a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar
like that.' The priest looked up from his book and
answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of
hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, 'Maybe you should use protection and wear
your pants backwards instead of your collar.
a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...
The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar
like that.' The priest looked up from his book and
answered 'I am the Father of many.'
The boy said 'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.'
The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of
hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, 'Maybe you should use protection and wear
your pants backwards instead of your collar.
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 10,078
sorry if it's a dupe!
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Country Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the House
was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all
the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are
expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered
steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the Yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long,Janet watched Ol' Spot
and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve.. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and
dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's
ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the Doctor
and told him what had happened.
The doctor said , 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just
keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road . The
EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by
one, they took each person in to the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped
out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think
everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this
time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over
Ol'Spot never even stopped.
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Country Church wanted to get
together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the House
was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all
the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are
expensive. She then told her husband, 'No mushrooms. They are too high.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms?
There are plenty in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, some wild mushrooms are poison.'
He said, 'Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.' So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, diced them for her smothered
steak . Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the Yard dog) a
double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long,Janet watched Ol' Spot
and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to
help her serve.. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and
dominoes. About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's
ear.
She said, 'Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.'
Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the Doctor
and told him what had happened.
The doctor said , 'That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone
enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just
keep them calm.'
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road . The
EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by
one, they took each person in to the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped
out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think
everything will be fine now.' and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this
time the helper lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow that ran over
Ol'Spot never even stopped.
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2006
- Messages
- 2,718
>
> ** A TRUE IRISH GHOST STORY**
>
>
> **** This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and
> even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
>
>
> John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the
> road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.
> The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
> strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
> Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and then it
> stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it,
> got into the car and closed the door, only to realize there was
> nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!
>
> The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and
> saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
> life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared
> through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with
> terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but
> never touched or harmed him.
>
> Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the
> road, so, gathering strength he jumped out of the car and ran to
> it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
> everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
>
> A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying
> and....wasn't drunk.
>
> Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the
> stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
>
> Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one
> said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that freakin' idiot that
> got in the car while we were pushin' it.' !!
>
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes".
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes"
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We're about to get married. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Jacob: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes".
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes"
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We're about to get married. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2007
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- 3,106
Hopefully this will pass moderation...
Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory....and both were laid off. So dey went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.' The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation. When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.' 'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, 'Yah ------------- DIESEL FITTER.'
Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory....and both were laid off. So dey went to the Unemployment Office together. Asked his occupation, Olaf said, 'Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.' The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation. Sven, when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel fitter.' The clerk looked up diesel fitter...and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation. When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits. The clerk explained, 'Panty stitchers are unskilled labor and diesel fitters are skilled labor.' 'Vat skill?' yelled Olaf. 'I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, 'Yah ------------- DIESEL FITTER.'
annr
Basic Member
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2006
- Messages
- 10,078
A Chinese woman has been feeling depressed and decides to consult the leading medical specialist from China in her area. He asks her what is troubling her and she explains that she is very upset and discouraged because she has not been able to find a boyfriend. She wonders if maybe there is something he can do to help her. After listening a few minutes the doctor asks her to remove her clothes and get down on the floor on all fours. She complies. Next he instructs her to first crawl away from him, and then to turn around and crawl back.
“Aha!"' says the doctor. "Just as I suspected! You have ‘zachary’ disease.”
“’Zachery’ disease? I have never heard of ‘zachery’ disease. What is that? ”
“That is when your face look ‘zachery’ like your ass.”
“Aha!"' says the doctor. "Just as I suspected! You have ‘zachary’ disease.”
“’Zachery’ disease? I have never heard of ‘zachery’ disease. What is that? ”
“That is when your face look ‘zachery’ like your ass.”
Last edited:
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- Aug 26, 2006
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- 7,012
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy.
And said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice,
Barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00 ?
It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy.
And said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? '
The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice,
Barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
'Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00 ?
- Joined
- Sep 27, 2002
- Messages
- 3,411
Following the demise of Lehman Brothers and the nationalisation of banks in the UK, Benelux and Iceland, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song; today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit but remains in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song; today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank fell on its sword, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit but remains in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Brian Jones
Moderator
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- Jan 17, 1999
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- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
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I must admit, I had to read it three times before I got it, dabnabit, I am getting old.
James
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
Child Psychology
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, "Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up."
After a few seconds, one boy stood. "Do you think you're stupid?" she asked.
"No, ma'am, but I just didn't want you to have to stand there all by yourself."
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