Clean jokes...

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A duck walks into a bar, bartender says what do you want, duck says coldest beer ya got . Bartender says Wow your amazining a duck that has one of a kind skills,you could work in the circus.Duck says why would the circus need a bricklayer.
 
WHEN YOU'RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.



"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.



Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT!
 
JatMat said:
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Click to expand...

http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.asp

Not a true story, but since it started circulating the net (Nov. 2001) at least two people have tried to make it a true story and gotten themselves arrested for filing a false report. Of course they didn't have a burglary in progress; if you had a burglary in progress you wouldn't need to make up a story to get quick response from the police.
 
Cougar Allen said:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/safety/response.asp

Not a true story, but since it started circulating the net (Nov. 2001) at least two people have tried to make it a true story and gotten themselves arrested for filing a false report. Of course they didn't have a burglary in progress; if you had a burglary in progress you wouldn't need to make up a story to get quick response from the police.
Click to expand...
I meant to say good story. :)
 
A blonde is on the bank of a river and wants to get to the other side. She looks up the river and she looks down the river, but doesn't see any way across. Then she notices another blonde on the opposite bank and yells "How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The other blonde looks up the river, and down the river, and then yells back "You're already on the other side of the river!"
 
a duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any duct tape. Bartender says "No" and the duck leaves. He comes back a few minutes later, and asks the same thing. The bartender says "No, and if you ask me again, i'll nail your feet to the ground." The duck leaves and comes back again. He walks up to the bartender and asks "Hey bartender, you got any nails?" Bartender replies, "Nope." The duck then asks "Good. You got any duct tape?"
 
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
Why do women always wear white on their wedding day?



It's best to keep all the kitchen appliances in the same color.
 
Proud Texan Father

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
 
blonde goes to the beach with her friends, once she is in her swimsuit ,they notice a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh,when asked .of significance of the tattoo she replied " oh, its really cool, if you put your ear next to it you can smell the ocean





'
 
Wrong Email

A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
 
One Sunday morning a minister woke up, looked out his bedroom window where he gazed upon one of the most beautiful days of the entire summer. He was alone, his family away on a weekend visit. An idea ocurred to him. Seriously tempted to play golf instead of attending to his pastoral duties, he talked himself into believing none would be the wiser if he ditched just this once, and so succumbed to the temptation. After contacting his assistant pastor to substitute for him, the minister grabbed his golf gear and drove himself to the golf course, where he found the course deserted, nobody else in sight. Perfect.

As the good but wayward reverend prepared to tee off, God and one of his angels were watching. The angel asked, “You’re going to punish this guy, right?” God smiled and replied, “Am I ever.”

That morning, the minister played the game of his life. He was at par or under on every hole, including the notoriously difficult 6th, sunk a 25 foot putt on the 7th and on the 10th, teed off to his first hole in one, ever.

Puzzled, the angel said “I thought you were going to punish him.”

God answered, “Who’s he going to tell?”
 
A guy wakes up on a Sunday morning and says to his wife next to him "I don't want to go to church today"... His wife says why? He says " nobody there likes me, they all think I'm useless, talk behind my back, never give me any respect"... His wife says "But sweetheart, you gotta go... You're the Pastor!"...
 
Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You soiled the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!
 
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''Bob forgot his wedding anniversary,his wife was angry.She said,"Tomorrow morning,I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in 6 seconds & IT BETTER BE THERE!"When she woke up,she looked out the window & sure enough there was a box in the middle of the driveway.She ran outside to open it & inside she found a brand new bathroom scale.Please help find Bob. He has been missing since last Friday."
 
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ..."Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !!
 
Three women at Lamaze class are discussing the probable gender of the new arrival. The instructor says "Well, what position were you in when you got pregnant?"

Brunette: "I was on the bottom."
"Then you'll probably have a boy."

Redhead: "I was on top." [gotta love redheads]
"Then you'll probably have a girl."

The blonde bursts into tears.

"What's wrong?"
"I'M GONNA HAVE A PUPPY!"
 
Three nuns are going somewhere, get in a terrible car wreck, and find themselves at the Pearly Gates. The tell St. Peter:
"We're nuns, we led holy lives, open up!"
"Not so fast, there's a test."

He asks the first one "Who was the first man?"
"That's easy, it was Adam."
TA-DA! Trumpets blow, the Gates swing open, in she goes.

St. Peter asks the second "Who was the first woman?"
"That's easy, it was Eve."
TA-DA! Trumpets blow, the Gates swing open, in she goes.

He asks the third "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
"Oh, gee, that's a hard one!"
TA-DA....
 
Sven says to Ole, "Ya know, you should put curtains on your windows."

"Vy's dat, Sven?"

"Last night I looked out my bedroom window right into yours, and there was you and Lena, ya know, doin' it. Ya don't want for everyone to see dat!"

Ole thinks a minute.

"Ha, Sven, da joke's on you! I stayed at my brother's place after the Sons of Norway meeting last night!"
 
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