Clean jokes...

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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day.

Moses

Pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised

His club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.



Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond

And kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.



The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a

Truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout,

Out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.



Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
 
WINNER OF: MOTEL 6-PARIS RITZ AWARD

Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg gets off the plane in Miami and, being tired from the flight, goes to the first hotel she sees in order to get a room. She walks up to the desk and tells the clerk, "I'm Mrs. Yetta Rosenberg, and I desire a room for de night." The clerk looks disdainfully at her and coldly says, "I'm sorry, madam, but our hotel is completely booked."

Just then, a man with his suitcase in hand, drops his key and a check at the desk, and heads for the door.

"Oy, vot luck, says Mrs. Rosenberg. "I can take his room."

"I'm sorry, madam," says the clerk, "but I thought you understood my meaning. To be blunt, we do not cater to Jews."

"Jews?" exclaims Mrs. Rosenberg. "So, who's a Jew? I'm a Cat'lic."

In obvious disbelief, the clerk asks her, "If you're a Catholic, then answer this question: "Who is the Son of God?"

"Dot's easy," says Mrs. Rosenberg, "Jesus Christ."

The clerk, still not convinced, asks, "Who was Jesus' mother and father?"

"Mary and Joseph," replies Mrs. Rosenberg , testily.

Then the clerk asks, "And where was Jesus born?"

"In a manger in a barn," answers Mrs. Rosenberg, becoming agitated.

"And why was Jesus born in a manger in a barn?" asks the clerk.

"Cause a shmuck like you vouldn't rent a room to Jews!!!"
 
Two Great White sharks, were swimming around in the ocean and they spied the survivors of a sunken ship in the water.


"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right at the first? Why did we swim around and around them before we ate them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh_t inside …"
 
Two Great White sharks, were swimming around in the ocean and they spied the survivors of a sunken ship in the water.


"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right at the first? Why did we swim around and around them before we ate them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh_t inside …"

Ouch!;)
 
Two caterpilars were crawling along when a butterfly flew over,one looks over to the other & says you'll never catch me in one of those things.
 
Two Great White sharks, were swimming around in the ocean and they spied the survivors of a sunken ship in the water.


"Follow me, son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all right at the first? Why did we swim around and around them before we ate them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh_t inside …"

lmao.gif
 
I would like to thank you all for an amusing afternoon of humour...lots of laughs, many chuckles, half a can of pop through the nose, ruined keyboard and half a roll of paper towels to clean my screen and the surrounding area. Haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
 
I just got off the phone with a friend in Minnesota. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window all day. He says that if it gets much worse... he may have to let her in.
 
ONLY IN ALABAMA !!!!!!!

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish shack down here in Montgomery, Alabama , and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have at call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed two million prisoners."
 
Not really a joke, but it's humorous. A friend in ID sent this.


WINTER Poem

It's wintertime in Idaho
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Idaho
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Idaho
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!
 
A couple of my own creation...

Did you know that Yosemite was named after Jewish gangsters?

They were like, Yo! Semite! :eek:

What kind of public transportation do clowns take to school?

A Syllabus!

I know I know... :barf: :D
 
Thanks to Stabber over at KnifeDogs for this one.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous..
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with fewer flavors.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked...

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep... At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
 
The father of a family - who is a big-time techie - got his oldest daughter an iPhone for her birthday. He also got an iPad for his son. Later an iPod for the youngest daughter. So when his anniversary rolled around, he got his wife an iRon. That's when the fight began.
 
'Excuse me boss, theres an invisible man to see you.'
'I cant see him just now'. ( I actually used this on a very busy hospital ward manager)
The invisible man met and married the invisible woman. They went on the honeymoon and havent been seen since.
I heard they had two kids but they were nothing to look at.
 
Time for a Bump. This is a hilarious thread.

There was once an officer that was driving along, minding his own buisness, when this car went flashing past him doing 90 MPH. He dropped his donut, turned off his lights, and made chase. the car just kept going, and he had to get alongside to get the person to pull over. when the car stopped, he knocked down the window, and the person inside rolled it down, revealing a young Blond woman.

The cop leaned in and asked the woman if she knew how fast she had been going. she replied yes, and he asked her if she knew what the speed limit was. she responded that it was, of course, 90 MPH. the policeman responded "The speed limit is actually 65. Where did you get the idea that it was 90?"

The woman responded "the sign back a ways said 90, and so i assumed it was the speed limit." the officer shook his head and smiled. "that is the highway number, but the speed limit. the woman looked mortified, and apologized. the policeman decided that she was harmless, and so he was about to walk off when he heard a whimper from the back. when he looked back there, there were 2 more women, both of which were white-faced and white-knuckling the hand holds. the policeman asked what was wrong with them, and the driver responded "we just got off highway 135."
 
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The story is told of a king who had a close friend with whom he grew up.
The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in
his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were on a hunting expedition. The friend
would load and prepare the guns for the king. In preparing one of the guns,
the friend had apparently done something wrong, for after taking the gun
from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off.

Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To
which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his
friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in a dangerous area. Cannibals
captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked
some wood, set up a stake and bound him to it. As they approached to set
fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being
superstitious, they never ate anyone that was less than whole. So after
untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb
and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to
the jail to speak with his friend. You were right," he said, "it was good
that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that
had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so
long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my
friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had NOT been in jail, I would have been with you."
 
A blond, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?"
 
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