favorite quotes or analogies

don't start any S,H and there won't be any I,T. That was a saying of my late maternal grandfather.
 
"Rule number 9, never go anywhere without a knife." - Leroy Jethro Gibbs, character on the TV show NCIS
 
Of a stupid person, "not the sharpest knife in the drawer"

He had a face like a bag of spanners
 
My dad when talking about someone's tall tail
He could $hit bricks too if he had a square a$$ and a belly full of mud
 
One of my (admittedly, rather unkind!) favourites:-

"She has a face like a bulldog licking piss off nettles!"

or the slighty tamer "She has a face like a bag of spanners!"
 
He's rocks-er than a box of dumb
Not the sharpest crayon in the tool shed
Shit fire and save the matches
You look like a shit/soup sandwich
From my former FTO "you look like a bucket of moldy assholes"
If you don't stop talking, I'm gonna slap you smart
Hotter than two rats (fill it in yourself) in a wool sock
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra in montana
Stop flapping your c*ckholster/suck/manpleaser!! (I love the ones I hear from my USMC friends)

I am sure I will think of more at work
 
I'm so broke if it cost a nickel to take a shit I'd have to puke.

Harder than shoving butter up a wild cats ass with a hot poker.

He's so bowlegged his wife has to press his pants on a boomerang.

Drier than a mummy's pocket.
 
some carpenter cracks
"he is about a half a bubble off'
RE- Hammer marks on wood -"who put all the pecker tracks on this wood"
"If his brains were gunpowder he would not have enough to blow his nose"
"She was about two axe handles across the ass"
"He was educated way beyond his intelligence"
My favorite "I decided a long time ago not to let school interfere with my sons education"---Dad to snob teacher who did not want to give approval for a prearranged absence to go elk hunting---Steve
 
Not exactly a favorite but I thought this was punchy enough to be worth remembering:

"Obviously, if your taste is in having a handmade tool, very little would matter beyond whether it was handmade or not. For those interested in performance, it may matter little whether or not a tool is handmade."

Any Cal. - 07-30-2009, 23:27

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-condensed version " Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it"...G.Santayana

-"He's so ugly, his folks had to tie a pork chop around his neck when he was young so the dogs would play with him.".........?

-"That's going to be harder to do than pissing up a rope.".....?

-"Nice legs, shame about 'er face.".....Lyrics from some old song...??

-To one of your male buddies-"She's so hot you'd probably eat the corn out of her shit for a half hour with her....wouldn't you?"......mine.

-"He's/She's as ugly as a can of smashed assholes.".....?

-"Damn!! It's colder than a nun's c#=t out here"...?

-"There is no more universally recognized and feared sounds than that of a shell being chambered in a 12 GA pump-action shotgun"....mine.

-"You don't know shit from shineola(sp) boy".....sheriff in some old Burt Reynolds movie.
 
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