WHOOOOO!!!!!!! well that was a VERY interesting week on the subject of her and I.
basically, to make things rediculously short and sweet, I broke up with her (well, it was more mutual, but I initiated it) because it was like she was tired of me. Turns out it was that I was making her feel uncomfortable because I was trying to be close to her more than she wanted. or something like that (hard to summarize). So in the beggining of this I told her I'd be patient and wait until she was ready to fully commit. We had all of this mapped out and everything. But it got to a point where I couldn't wait anymore, which was wednesday.
Then I told her something I'd been keeping from her, which also kind of doubles as my greatest fear. She told me she wouldn't have responded badly to it had I told her earlier, but she was pissed (ENTIRELY rightfully) that I hadn't told her. Then I realized I was basically a lier and a hypocrite- the things I hate most. I hated myself for it, but surprisingly she wasn't all that mad at me. At least as not as much as I was at myself.
So basically it ended up being both of our faults.
We talked on the phone later (I had to have that whole talk online- it would have come out ALL wrong had I done it on the phone) and we were totally cool and everything. We both admitted that we both really want to be with each other but weren't really sure how, fearing that we'll end up where we were at that point.
So thursday and friday at school we were all close and everything- I was holding her/her hand and it was like nothing had happened, like it had just advanced our relationship. and it had.
So then last night she came over for maybe, oh, 4 hours. She said she really wanted to kiss me, but I said that before we do anything we should decide where we are first. So we talked about all the options and just didn't know what to do.
She knew everything (EVERYTHING) about me and so she told me about everything about her. There was one thing she lied to me, to everyone about. It didn't really matter that much as it didn't even really count, but it really took me by surprise. Aside from that, it turns out about 9/10 of her boyfriends had been sex-driven scumbags that she went out with. Almost all of them asked if she would have sex with them and she said no to all of them. That's basically how most of them ended. Sex isn't high on my priority list at all- I mean, if it happens it happens, that's it. I'm not going to ask or force or anything. So it's like I am different from these guys that have messed her up (I dont mean to toot my own horn or anything...). She told me that she had never told anyone as much as she had told me. That was like ".......wow...". Honesty is very important in our relationship, as our problem before was not knowing where we stood.
So later we ended up on my sofa. Once again she said she really wanted to kiss me. Then I said "so do I". So we did. Then I said "you know what? I dont give a **** where we are, lets just go with it". And so this is how we are now. I guess we're going out again (well semi-going out), but once again it doesn't matter. All that matters is that we're together. It's what we both want and no titles will get in our way.
It's pretty hard to explain in depth. Only she and I can truly understand it. But I am SOOOOOOOO glad we didn't fall apart. I dont know what I would have done without her.
I'm probably going to by her a bali and get the handles engraved so that they say (when closed) "Keep Those You Love Close To Your Heart" on the latch it'll say "And" and on the other handle it'll say "A Knife Close To Your Side". The kind of nostalgic gift only I would give
