100,000 Likes Giveaway - Winners Drawn!

tongueriver said:
This is the last one for today; 27 more tomorrow.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff
had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates!"
His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.
Here are some of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
Click to expand...
20. You can't have everything...Where would you put it?
 
Great thread, Jack! And congrats on the 100k likes! I’ve always been impressed and a bit proud (though not really surprised) that 90% of the folks on that list are Porch regulars. :thumbsup:

My maternal grandfather and my dad (both salesmen most of their lives) were great joke tellers, as were a couple uncles on both sides of the family. Unfortunately, I’ve always had a poor memory for jokes, but for some reason this one (which I’m sure you’ve all probably heard before) always stuck with me:

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender points to a sign behind the bar that reads “NO ROPES ALLOWED” and says, “We don’t want your kind here, so get lost!”

The rope returns to the bar the next day, this time wearing a pair of sunglasses and a hat, sits at the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, “You’re not fooling anyone with that disguise, rope! Now get out!”

The following day, the rope returns to the bar again, but before going in, he ties himself into an overhand knot, then takes out his Lambsfoot ;) and splices the strands at the top of his head several times. He walks into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender asks, “Aren’t you that rope that keeps coming in here?,” to which rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
 
Jack Black said:
I was very surprised and very touched Duncan, particularly as I never post outside The Porch these days, and really don't post as much as I once did - and I'm a curmudgeonly Yorkshireman! :D It goes to show what a kind and generous bunch folks are here, like your very good self :) Thank you for your friendship over the years pal, and I hope that you and Sue, and all your family are doing well, the same goes to everyone else here :) :thumbsup:
Click to expand...

Sue and I are doing really well Jack- although I have lost a bit of money over this Virus thing with Travel cancellations, stock markets crashing that my Super is connected to etc, but ...hey you always have to look on the bright side of life otherwise there's no use! :) :thumbsup:

There was this guy driving down a road when he spied something small- running up to his Car- he looked at his Speedo and he was doing 55mph, - it wasn't until the small thing actually past him- that he saw it was a Chicken!!!:eek:

Not only was it a Chicken- but it was a Chicken with THREE LEGS!!!!

"What the Hang..." he said, so he put his foot down until he got to 70 mph...this Chicken just ran even faster- cut in front of his car, and disappeared down this long Driveway..... The guy drove on- but couldn't take it anymore and turned around- and drove down that same long Driveway - until he came across this Farmer leaning on a Gate!
The guy in the car said" Hey Mr Farmer- this Chicken just ran past my Car- I was doing 70mph!!!! and that thing had THREE LEGS!!!

The farmer just kept leaning on the fence- "Yup, he said, That would be right... Dem be my Chickens"

The guy in the Car just was astounded- he said to the Farmer - "So you breed Chickens with three legs!! you must make a fortune!! they must taste Great as well!! "
The Farmer stood up - spat out his tobacco and said said " That there's a No, and a dunno .....cause we aint been able to catch the damn things"
 
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