another contest......

Evolute said:
Chris,

Regarding my question: Should we just post one joke, or as many as we want?
Click to expand...

YOU CAN POST ALL YOU WANT BUT TO BE HONEST APRIL WILL MORE THAN LIKELY NOT READ PAGES AND PAGES OF POST FROM THE SAME PERSON..... sorry for the caps////
 
She is going to have a tough job, lots of FUNNY stuff here.

thanks for starting this. :thumbup:
 
More than one joke, huh? Here we go:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
Okay, then, one more joke from me:

A man is walking along a beach, and finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "For releasing me from the lamp, I'll grant you three wishes... but be warned, whatever you wish for yourself, all the lawyers in the world will get double".

"Wow!" says the man. "I wish for a million dollars".

The genie asks him, " Are you sure you wish for a million dollars? Every lawyer in the world will get two million dollars".

"I know", the man says. "Yes, I still wish for a million dollars".

Then he says, "For my second wish, I'd like a fabulous mansion".

The genie asks him, " Are you sure you wish for a fabulous mansion? Every lawyer in the world will get two fabulous mansions.".

"Yeah, yeah", the guy says. "I still wish for a fabulous mansion".

"And what would you like for your last wish?" the genie asks.

The man replies, "I'd like to donate one of my kidneys".
______________________________________________

Thanks for the contest, Chris.
 
OLD BUT STILL FUNNY.

A farmer in the middle ages is just leaving town with an anvil, a four legged bath tub and a rope with ten chickens tied by their feet sling over his shoulder held by one of his hands.. He is carrying the anvil with the other hand (apparently farmers in the middle ages were REALLY strong) and is balancing the bath tub on his head while walking thru the forest.

He comes upon a damsel in distress as she is stuck in a peat bog and can't get out. He tells her he will help her but she says NO..."I am but a mere damsel and you are a strong farmer and when I'm rescued you may force yourself upon me and have your manly way with me." The farmer says GEEEESSE lady...I'm hauling aroud a heavy anvil, ten chickens and a heavy bathtub on my head...How could I possibly harm you.

She says....'Well, You could put the chickens on the ground, cover them with the bathtub and place the anvil on top of the tub so the chickens won't get away."
 
Elderly couple are at the doctor. Doctor asks the wife to stay for a moment after the husband leaves the room. He tells the woman. " You are gonna have to take really good care of your husband. You must make him three good meals each day. Be attentive. If he asks for something try to oblige. Do not let him do any work around the house. Spend each night with him. Be a loving and considerate wife or your husband will not live to see another six months. But, If you follow these directions he will be around for many years." THe wife thaked him and left the office.
When his wife rejoins him the husband asks her, " What did the doctor have to say?"
I sorry darling but he told me that you do not have long to live.
 
one of my most favorite jokes is this one, and it'll be my last:

A man is sitting at a bar and in the middle of his beer, who should walk through the door but Jesus Christ. The man, in complete awe watches as Jesus walks over to a man in the corner and proclaims: "BEHOLD, AMONG YOU SITS A BLIND MAN. I WILL LAY HANDS ON HIM AND CURE HIM OF THIS AILMENT!"
Jesus lays hands on the man and does as he has proclaimed.
The man watches again as Jesus walks around the bar and stops and a grizzled old man in a wheelchair not too far from him.
"BEHOLD!" Jesus said, "AMONG YOU SITS A MAN WHO IS LAME AND CANNOT WALK. I SHALL HEAL HIM OF HIS CURSE!"
Jesus lays hands on the man and he comes dancing out of his wheelchair: "HALLELUYAH!" The man cries.

Finally, Jesus makes it to the man who has seen all these miracles and proclaims: "BEHOLD AMONG YOU SITS THIS MAN, WHOSE BACK HAS BEEN-"

Before he can finish his sentence, the man punches Jesus in the face and knocks him out cold and yells: "DON'T TOUCH ME, I'M ON SSI!!"
 
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate
funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the
casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing
the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into
laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm
sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted. :D

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, why don't you fuck off?"




A blonde in Las Vegas goes up to the Coke machine, puts in a dollar, and gets a Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

She puts in another dollar and gets another Coke.

Finally, the man behind her says, "Hey, lady. Do you think I could use the machine?"

She replies, "Fuck off! Can't you see I'm winning?"
 
Can't resist...

A massive army of Taliban fighters are marching through the hills in Afghanistan in search of a fight.

As the leader of the group passes a nearby hill, he hears a booming voice call out - "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat TEN Taliban fighters!"... the Taliban leader is pissed at this brazen statement and orders his biggest, toughest ten fighters to go over the hill and take out the Marine. The fighters run up over the hill and a horrendous battle ensues with gut wrenching screams, and the sounds of punching and kicking. After five minutes of battle, there is silence.

Then, the booming voice returns... "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat ONE HUNDRED Taliban fighters!"... Now the Taliban leader is furious at this egotistical Marine and instantly orders 100 fighters over the hill to finish the job. Another massive battle ensues for 30minutes behind the hill with more gut wrenching screams. Then there is silence.

Finally, the booming voice calls out again "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat ONE THOUSAND Taliban fighters!"... Now the group leader is beside himself with rage and orders his entire army over the hill to figure out what is going on and take out the ballsy Marine. The battle rages with more screams, and desperate cries.... when suddenly a single Taliban fighter comes rocketing from over the hill in retreat screaming "RUUNNNN, ITS A TRICK!! ITS A TRICK!........"






"THERE'S TWO OF THEM!"
 
The Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
 
tedwca said:
The Australian Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!


This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila
Click to expand...

Excellent :)
 
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
 
Evolute thats good, but i like this version better;)

A man is walking along a beach, and finds an old oil lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "For releasing me from the lamp, I'll grant you three wishes... but be warned, whatever you wish for yourself, your ex-wife will get double".

"Wow!" says the man. "I wish for a million dollars".

The genie asks him, " Are you sure you wish for a million dollars? Your ex-wife will get two million dollars".

"I know", the man says. "Yes, I still wish for a million dollars".

Then he says, "For my second wish, I'd like a fabulous mansion".

The genie asks him, " Are you sure you wish for a fabulous mansion? Your ex wife will get two fabulous mansions.".

"Yeah, yeah", the guy says. "I still wish for a fabulous mansion".

"And what would you like for your last wish?" the genie asks.

The man replies, "I want to be beaten half to death".
______________________________________________

Thanks for the contest, Chris.[/QUOTE]
 
SplittinHairs said:
Can't resist...

A massive army of Taliban fighters are marching through the hills in Afghanistan in search of a fight.

As the leader of the group passes a nearby hill, he hears a booming voice call out - "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat TEN Taliban fighters!"... the Taliban leader is pissed at this brazen statement and orders his biggest, toughest ten fighters to go over the hill and take out the Marine. The fighters run up over the hill and a horrendous battle ensues with gut wrenching screams, and the sounds of punching and kicking. After five minutes of battle, there is silence.

Then, the booming voice returns... "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat ONE HUNDRED Taliban fighters!"... Now the Taliban leader is furious at this egotistical Marine and instantly orders 100 fighters over the hill to finish the job. Another massive battle ensues for 30minutes behind the hill with more gut wrenching screams. Then there is silence.

Finally, the booming voice calls out again "ONE U.S. Marine can defeat ONE THOUSAND Taliban fighters!"... Now the group leader is beside himself with rage and orders his entire army over the hill to figure out what is going on and take out the ballsy Marine. The battle rages with more screams, and desperate cries.... when suddenly a single Taliban fighter comes rocketing from over the hill in retreat screaming "RUUNNNN, ITS A TRICK!! ITS A TRICK!........"






"THERE'S TWO OF THEM!"
Click to expand...


Ha! I love it!! May have something to do with being a U.S Marine. :D
 
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a
plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers
pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start
reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now, though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily. "He had such curly
hair when he was born."

"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would
be 18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a
pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the

photographs and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
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