another contest......

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.

He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'

Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.

'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'

'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'

'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'

'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me woman, I'm married!''
 
Several older couples got together regularly at each others houses, to play cards and socialize. Usually the women hung out in the kitchen and the men in the living room. The men were sitting around talking about what they did last week.

George said "My wife and I went to that new restaurant in town, and it was really great! Good prices too!"

Ed asked "What is the name of the restaurant?"

George said "Ummm, hmmmm, what is the name of that flower with the thorns on the stem?"

Ed answered "A Rose?"

George said "Oh yeah..."
then yelled "Hey Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?!?!"
 
Frank thinks his wife Stella is having hearing problems, and goes to see a hearing aid specialist. He tells the doc he wants to get his wife a hearing aid, but she refuses to come in. He figures if he just buys it, maybe she will use it.

The doc tells him there are several models to choose from, based on how bad her hearing is. Frank says he doesnt know how bad it is, how can he tell?

The doc tells him to approach her from behind, and when about 30 feet away, say something to her, if she does't reply, move 10 feet closer. Keep doing this until she answers, then let me know how far away you were.

Frank thanks the doc and goes home. He finds his wife Stella in the kitchen cooking. He is about 30 feet away in the living room, and says " Stella, what's for dinner?"

He waits for a reply, but hears none. He move 10 feet closer, and says "Stella, what's for dinner?"

Again, here hears no reply, so he moves up almost right behind her and says "Stella, what's for dinner?"

Stella replies "For the third time Frank, chicken!"
 
A young preacher was anxious to meet the members of his new church. First on the list was 90 year old Miss Brown.

As he made a house call, Miss Brown invited him in and they sat on the couch to chat. He noticed a full bowl of peanuts on the coffee table and he began nibbling some while they talked. Before he knew it, they were all gone.

Embarassed, he said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to eat all your peanuts."

She replied, "Don't worry about it sonny, they're too hard for my teeth. I just buy them to suck the chocolate off."

.
 
The teacher was in front of the class teaching math and asked the question: "There are five birds perched on a wire, you shoot one, how many are left?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him: "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny: "None"

The teacher asked, perplexed, "None?"

Little Johnny answered: "Yeah, when you fire the gun, the others will fly away because the shot scared them off."

Teacher chuckled and said: "No, Johnny, there'd be four left, but I like the way you think."

Johnny says: "Can I ask you a question?"

Teacher: "Sure, Little Johnny"

Johnny says: "There are three women on a park bench eating ice cream. One is licking the side of a triple scoop cone. One has the top scoop in her mouth and one has all three scoops in her mouth and is sucking on the cone. Which one is married?"

The teacher blushes and replies: "I guess the one who has the whole thing in her mouth and is sucking on the cone."

Johnny says "No, the one wearing the wedding ring. But I like your thinking"
 
At a large marriage seminar of 500 couples, the speaker told all the men to get in one of two lines. One had a sign that said, "Henpecked" the other sign said "King of my Castle."

EVERY man but one, stood in the Henpecked line.

The speaker saw his opportunity and asked this man, "What is your secret?"

The man simply said, "I don't have a secret, I'm in this line because my wife told me to."

.
 
So there’s this blonde in an office building. One day she walks to the end of the hallway where the Coke machine is, and carefully puts her fifty cents into the slot, presses the button, and begins cheering when a can of the frosty beverage drops into the slot below. She removes it, sets it on the floor, and repeats the action.

Her cheering draws the attention of the gentleman in the closest office, who watches her bizarre behavior for awhile, then gets up from his chair and goes to stand beside her. By the now, the blonde has gathered quite a few Cokes and is breathless with excitement.

“What the heck are you doing, lady?” he asks.

“Well, duh,” she replies. “Winning!”


A girl needs a knife...
 
since apparently we're allowed more than one:

An elderly lady had come down with the flu and was sick for some number of days. Finally her husband says: "C'mon ma, I'm takin' you to the doctor."
Ma agrees and off to the Doctor they go.

Once in the office the Doctor asks Ma her medical history: "Does it hurt when I do this, have you been running a fever..."
Ma answers all his questions and finally he asks her: "Do you and your husband have intercourse?"

Confused, Ma gets up and pokes her head out the door and says: "Pa, do we have Intercourse?!"

Pa, aggrivated, says: "NO MA, I TOLD YOU BEFORE WE GOT HERE, WE HAVE BLUE CROSS AND BLUE SHIELD!"
 
A man walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye". The bartender says, "Impossible! You have a bet". So the man pulls out his false eye and bites it, and the bartender reluctantly hands him $50.

Then the man says, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my other eye". The bartender says, "I can see that you're not blind. OK, you have a bet". So the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye, and the bartender, scowling, hands him $100.

Then the man says, "I'll bet you $500 that you can take that beer pitcher, slide it across your bar as fast as you can, and I can run alongside and piss in the pitcher, and not miss a drop". "You're on", says the bartender.

The bartender slides the pitcher across the bar, and the man misses horribly. He pisses everywhere. The bartender laughs gleefully, and says, "OK, pay up". The man replies, "Just a minute; I bet a guy outside $1,000 that I could piss all over your bar, and get you to laugh about it".
___________________________________________

Chris, could you provide some clarification about whether we're allowed to post more than one joke for the contest? If so, I have some more to add.
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”




When's the contest end?
 
There is a rabbi, priest and a pastor in a boat doing some fishing. The pastor gets up and says, "I am going over to that island to relax for a bit." He steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the island and sits down.

Then the priest gets up and says to the rabbi, "I think I will join him." So he also steps out of the boat and walks across the water to the island.

Well the rabbi thinks to himself, "If they can do it so can I." So, he gets up and steps out onto the water and promptly falls into the water.

The priest looks over and the pastor and says, "Think we should have told him about the rocks?"
 
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.:rolleyes:
Officer: May I see the registration and insurance card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.:mad:
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the insurance
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.;)
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?:eek:
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration and insurance card.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a
gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!:D
 
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.


Wife:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

Husband:
"Definitely not!"

Wife:
"Why not? Don't you like being married?"

Husband:
"Of course I do."

Wife:
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband:
"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

Wife:
"You would?" (with a hurt look)

Husband:
(makes audible groan)

Wife:
"Would you live in our house?"

Husband:
"Sure, it's a great house."

Wife:
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband:
"Where else would we sleep?"

Wife:
"Would you let her drive my Lexus?"

Husband:
"Probably, it is almost new."

Wife:
"Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband:
"That would seem like the proper thing to do"

Wife:
"Would you give her my jewelry?"

Husband:
"No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

Wife:
"Would you take her golfing with you?

Husband:
"Yes, those are always good times."

Wife:
"Would she use my clubs?

Husband:
"No, she's left-handed."

Wife:
-- silence --

Husband:
"S**t!!!!!!!!"
 
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things
that took two arms. One day he'd had it. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this
man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up
here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do
things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk
happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy
could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "









He replied; "I'm NOT happy..... my butt itches and I can't scratch it.
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
A man, and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into
the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"

Yes" comes back the answer.

Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

Yes, Please!" comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing!" replies the drunk.
 
A whole thread of jokes, WWW.LINKTOAPRIVATEFORUMPOSTEDBYAHALFWIT.COM


Edit: sorry I didn't think a link to W&C was inappropiate
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top