- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Messages
- 69,768
When I was a boy, in the 1960’s, we lived in a small house, and so events which involved extended family were invariably small. I saw my paternal grandparents regularly, but they probably only visited our home about once a year. The same was true of my maternal grandparents. I can remember once being dropped off at home by my maternal grandfather. He came in with me, and by chance, my other grandfather had unexpectedly called in. I was close to both of them, so I was surprised by the formality of the exchange. “Hello Mr Black,” said my grandfather, “It’s nice to see you, are you keeping well? How is Mrs Black?” They chatted cordially before my maternal grandfather had to leave. I pondered the exchange for a long time, and couldn’t understand why they had not used their forenames. The fact was though, that my grandfathers had probably only met once or twice before, and so the formality of the exchange was in keeping with that. For them it was about respect.
Similarly, if I am introduced to a business contact as ‘Mr Brown’, I’ll say, “Good morning Mr Brown, I’m Jack Black.” He might then tell me to call him ‘Robert’, or he might not. In the latter case, I’ll continue to call him Mr Brown, and expect him to call me Mr Black (don’t worry this doesn’t end with anyone bleeding to death in a warehouse). In the former case, I’ll call him Robert, and he’ll call me Jack. But I won’t call him ‘Bob’ or ‘Bobby’, because that would be rude and disrespectful. The same is true, if I get talking to a guy in a pub, I’ll call him by the name he introduces himself by, be it ‘Harry’, or ‘Andy’, or ‘Sam’.
Obviously, our forum experience here is more similar to the pub than the workplace, it’s a friendly, informal place, but it doesn’t mean good manners should be absent here. In my view good manners are the lubricant for any kind of positive human interaction, and they are one of things that makes this sub-forum special. Good manners are about mutual respect, something which shouldn’t need to be codified, or itemized, or scheduled. As Gus says in the Guidelines sticky, “I hate making rules when the atmosphere that some things can be out of line is more than obvious to people with reasonable deductive skills.”
If a new poster comes along using the forum name ‘NewPoster’, I’m happy to address them as that, and if he or she subsequently signs his post with a forename, I’m happy to use that too. But if he wants to remain anonymous, I can respect that. Now, if he sends me a private message or email, in which he uses his real name, and I use that on the forum, I think I’d be breaching his privacy. I’d be making a private exchange public, and I’d be wrong to do that. If he drew my attention to that, I wouldn’t get all prickly or hurt, I’d apologise and edit my post, because the breach of good manners is mine, not his.
I’m very open about who I am on here, probably to a careless extent, but I understand that – PARTICULARLY AS WE’RE ON THE INTERNET – not everyone wants to be as careless as me, and if that’s the case, and they want to be discreet, or even post anonymously, who am I to ignore their wishes, or question their reasons? Maybe, like me, they live in a country where an interest in cutlery has you ranked right next to being a serial-killer. They may have even more serious reasons, or they may simply like their privacy and/or wish to compartmentalize THIS part of their life from other parts of their life.
This is a very friendly place, the best on the internet, and even though this matter has been espressly raised before, it’s easy to forget that all our exchanges are public here, it’s easy to fall into the habit of calling someone by their first name just because others here do, even when they’ve never used that name themselves. No offence to anyone who hasn’t thought about this much before, or feels they’re being dug out (because it’s certainly a longstanding problem here, and doesn’t relate to any particular poster), but I’d like EVERYBODY to be able to relax here, including anyone who worries about having their personal name, (and everything they’ve shared here), being posted on the internet. Surely that’s worth thinking about, worth giving some serious consideration to, and certainly not something to ignore or trivialize? For me it’s just about good manners, and you are all welcome to call me Jack
Similarly, if I am introduced to a business contact as ‘Mr Brown’, I’ll say, “Good morning Mr Brown, I’m Jack Black.” He might then tell me to call him ‘Robert’, or he might not. In the latter case, I’ll continue to call him Mr Brown, and expect him to call me Mr Black (don’t worry this doesn’t end with anyone bleeding to death in a warehouse). In the former case, I’ll call him Robert, and he’ll call me Jack. But I won’t call him ‘Bob’ or ‘Bobby’, because that would be rude and disrespectful. The same is true, if I get talking to a guy in a pub, I’ll call him by the name he introduces himself by, be it ‘Harry’, or ‘Andy’, or ‘Sam’.
Obviously, our forum experience here is more similar to the pub than the workplace, it’s a friendly, informal place, but it doesn’t mean good manners should be absent here. In my view good manners are the lubricant for any kind of positive human interaction, and they are one of things that makes this sub-forum special. Good manners are about mutual respect, something which shouldn’t need to be codified, or itemized, or scheduled. As Gus says in the Guidelines sticky, “I hate making rules when the atmosphere that some things can be out of line is more than obvious to people with reasonable deductive skills.”
If a new poster comes along using the forum name ‘NewPoster’, I’m happy to address them as that, and if he or she subsequently signs his post with a forename, I’m happy to use that too. But if he wants to remain anonymous, I can respect that. Now, if he sends me a private message or email, in which he uses his real name, and I use that on the forum, I think I’d be breaching his privacy. I’d be making a private exchange public, and I’d be wrong to do that. If he drew my attention to that, I wouldn’t get all prickly or hurt, I’d apologise and edit my post, because the breach of good manners is mine, not his.
I’m very open about who I am on here, probably to a careless extent, but I understand that – PARTICULARLY AS WE’RE ON THE INTERNET – not everyone wants to be as careless as me, and if that’s the case, and they want to be discreet, or even post anonymously, who am I to ignore their wishes, or question their reasons? Maybe, like me, they live in a country where an interest in cutlery has you ranked right next to being a serial-killer. They may have even more serious reasons, or they may simply like their privacy and/or wish to compartmentalize THIS part of their life from other parts of their life.
This is a very friendly place, the best on the internet, and even though this matter has been espressly raised before, it’s easy to forget that all our exchanges are public here, it’s easy to fall into the habit of calling someone by their first name just because others here do, even when they’ve never used that name themselves. No offence to anyone who hasn’t thought about this much before, or feels they’re being dug out (because it’s certainly a longstanding problem here, and doesn’t relate to any particular poster), but I’d like EVERYBODY to be able to relax here, including anyone who worries about having their personal name, (and everything they’ve shared here), being posted on the internet. Surely that’s worth thinking about, worth giving some serious consideration to, and certainly not something to ignore or trivialize? For me it’s just about good manners, and you are all welcome to call me Jack
I find I go to bed earlier too! 
