Clean jokes...

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True story for Monty Python fans. A group of people from my church (most of them Monty Python afficionados) were touring Jerusalem. Their guide pointed to one area outside the city gates and told them it was called "The valley of the Cheesemakers". He couldn't understand why 3/4 of the tour group doubled up in laughter.
 
Gary W. Graley said:
One of my favourite guys is Stephen Wright, I'll post a few of his here;

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

:)
G2
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Stephen Wright rules.

"I got home really late one night, it was the next night."

"The other day I, no that wasn't me, that was someone else."

"I put my shirt on the other day and I noticed I had lost a button hole."

"Recently I was walking my dog around my building. On the ledge. A lot of people are afraid of heights, but not me. I'm afraid of widths."
 
An Irishman, Englishman and Scottsman go into a pub
and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender
hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each
of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away
and demands another pint.

The Scottsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between
his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastid!
Spit it out!"
 
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when
suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so
I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
 
How to tell if your feet stink:
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A woman takes her young, school-aged daughter to see the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist greets them and turning towards the mother asks the reason for their visit.

The mother explains, "My daughter thinks that she is a chicken."

"Hmm, that's interesting. When did this start? How long has she thought that she was a chicken?"

The mother thinks for a moment, "I guess about 2 years now."

Surprised the psychiatrist asks, "Why did you wait so long to come in to see me?"

The mother answers, "Well, I guess it's because we needed the eggs."


-----------------------
NB
Jim, my font is turned UP.
 
Got this one right here on BFC:

Limo Driver:
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus and
then drove up over the curb.

For a few moments everything was silent in the car, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights
out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he
hadn't realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so
much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a limo. I've been driving a hearse for
the last 23 years........"


This one too:
Pilots’ Game
Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog; the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
 
The pope is out with his limo driver going through North Dakota, as there is noone else on the road the pope asks the driver if he can take a turn behind the wheel. The limo driver decides it can't hurt anything so he pulls over and changes places with the pope.

The pope soon has the limo up to 75 miles an hour when he passes a new state trooper on radar detail. The trooper catches up to the limo and pulls it over, sees the pope is driving, and goes back to his car to call his sargent. When the sargent answers the new trooper asks him to respond to the stop. The sargent wants to know why but the troop doesn't really want to broadcast it over the radio. The sargent starts asking who the trooper has stopped: is it the mayor, the governor, the president, the sargent's wife?
The tropper finally tells the sargent, "I don't rightly know who I've got stopped but I'd feel a lot better if you would come out here. Whoever it is has the Pope for a chauffeur!"
 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of my brother who is four years older than I am and my sister, she was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which her arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given her a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift, and it was one of her favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, our Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch my sister bring him a cup of 'tea', because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here she comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you, that the only place that your baby can reach to get water.....is the toilet??:D:D:D:D


"Life is good "
 
Michael Dye said:
Ann, no rope around...but I do expect he thought "Holy Toledo".
James, he was ON the bridge BEFORE he jumped.
Brian, that would probably involve a wife pushing him.
Coug, I like the way you think, but....
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Michael,

Are you sure this isn't the 'bridge to nowhere'?:D

--font for my benefit:), bold to keep with tradition of previous poster.
 
annr said:
Michael,

Are you sure this isn't the 'bridge to nowhere'?:D

--font for my benefit:), bold to keep with tradition of previous poster.
Click to expand...
Just a minute girl, just because you are a girl, does not mean I will forget being insulted. See if you can read this?
Jim
 
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed."

Nun: "I think that would be okay."

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay, I'll get you a blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

Priest: "Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket." (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: "Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night."

Priest: "You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket."
 
Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted - My favorite
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
Noon Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Pretty Mums - My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master - My favorite
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed - My favorite

Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.


Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.


There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.


But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...
 
Mark J said:
Excerpts From A Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy - A car ride - My favorite
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy - A walk - My favorite
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Getting rubbed and petted - My favorite
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
Noon Oh, boy - The kids - My favorite
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy - The yard - My favorite
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy - To the park - My favorite
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Dog food - My favorite
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Pretty Mums - My favorite
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy - Playing ball - My favorite
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy - Watching TV with my master - My favorite
8:30 p.m. Oh, boy - Sleeping in master's bed - My favorite

Excerpts From A Cat's Daily Diary

Day 183 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed.


Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts... They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.


There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.


But I can wait, it is only a matter of time now...
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I loved it!:thumbup:

I'd swear you took that from my male, apple-head, Siamese cat's diary!

Oops... hang on.... he's lookin' at me....

MUST..... LOCK EYES..... WITH.... CAT.....
MUST..... WIN..... STARRING CONTEST.... SO.... AS NOT.... TO...... APPEAR..... WEAK.....

KRAP!! How the heck does he go sooooo long without blinking??????
 
The Dog and Cats Diary was Awesome!:thumbup:

k so I have a few... first 2 are kinda risque'...;):foot::)

Please feel free to insert favorite ethnicity on this one...
Black guy walks into a bar, with a parrot on his shoulder bartender says "Hey thats neat where did you get him at?" the Parrot squaks and says "Rrrrraaawwwkk Africa theres a million of them!" :D

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hooked the the front of his pants
bartender says "Hey whats that for?" Pirate says "Arrrrgh it drives me nuts" :D

A Giraffe walks into a bar, Bartender says "Will that be a longneck?"

A Priest a Nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar, Bartender says "Hey what is this?some kinda joke!"

Q) Whats the best way to hunt squirrels?
A) Climb a tree and act like a nut...

A guy walks into his kitchen one morning and his wife is setting there with a look of disgust on her face. He askes her "Honey whats wrong?" she replies "I've been making your coffee every morning for the last 20 years and i'm tired of it, and I just found out you were supposed to be doing it all along..." he says "What? what are you talking about?" She says "Yea it's right here in the bible even... a whole book on the subject... see Hebrews!

Did you know the apostles all rode around in a Honda? The Bible says they we're all in one Accord. :D

King David rode a motorcycle... The Bible teaches his Triumph could be heard throughout the land.

K I'm done bein Cheesy...:D:foot::)
 
Keepin it alive ;)


What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

And for Michael Dye;
A man who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine :)


G2
 
One from a friend of mine, who's a reading tutor: DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! One of his students told him that one . . .

Two antennas met on the roof; their relationship grew; love blossomed; eventually, they got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

thx - cpr
 
If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be wanted by...

..the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

..the EPA for killing fig trees,

..the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

..the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

..the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

..OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

..the PETA for driving hogs into the sea,

..the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life,

..and by the Zoning Dept. for building mansions without a permit.
 
An elderly gentleman goes to the doctor for a physical. In the course of the exam the doctor asks the patient if he is having any difficulty with urination. The older man replies, "No".

"Are you able to sleep through the night or do you need to get up several times to use the bathroom?"

"No doc, I pee every morning at 7am without fail."

"Great, that's good to hear. And how about your bowels? Are you regular?"

"Yes, doc, everyday like clockwork I have a bowel movement at 7:30am."

"Terrific!"

After noting the man's answers in the chart the doctor looks up and thinks he detects a hint of embarrassment on the old man's face. Wondering, he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Gee, I don't get up 'til 8:00."
 
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