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Clean jokes...
- Thread starter Gary W. Graley
- Start date
- Status
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2005
- Messages
- 836
The Blonde and the Snow Plow...
One winters morning a husband and wife in northern Idaho were
listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the Snowplows can get through.' So the good wife went out
and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.' The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park....' Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time
One winters morning a husband and wife in northern Idaho were
listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer Say, 'We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of
snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the
street, so the Snowplows can get through.' So the good wife went out
and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, 'We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through.' The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, 'We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park....' Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
need to park on so the snowplows can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, 'Why don't you just
leave it in the garage this time
JTR357
Gold Member
- Joined
- Sep 10, 2007
- Messages
- 14,012
This Guy Knows Math
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, And here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day..
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so...
UffDa
Gold Member
- Joined
- Sep 11, 1999
- Messages
- 42,596
A couple vacationing in Hawaii for the first time are having a running argument as to whether the W is pronounced W or V. As they are walking along the beach they see an old man who looks local sitting on a bench. They approach and ask if he has lived in the islands very long. He say, "Yes. I have lived here since WWII." The husband tells the old guy about their argument. " Is the name of these islands pronounced Hawaii or Havaii?" The old man replies, "Havaii." The wife who has insisted that it's pronounced with a V thanks the old man. To which he replies, "You're Velcome."
- Joined
- Nov 2, 2005
- Messages
- 836
A senior citizen drove his brand new Porsche convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. Amazing he thought... as he flew down I-5 pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror he saw the highway patrol behind him... blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 110 mph then 130 then 150. Suddenly he thought 'What am I doing..? I'm too old for this and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.' Pulling in behind him the Trooper walked up to the Porsche looked at his watch and said 'Sir... my shift ends in 30 minutes.' Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before I'll let you go. The old gentleman paused and then said... 'Years ago my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.' 'Have a good day Sir'... replied the Trooper..!
After the flood Noah and his wife were standing by the side of the Ark watching the animals getting off two by two. As each pair left Noah said to them go forth and multiply. Near the end of the line Noah's wife sees two snakes crying and wailing. She asked them what was wrong. The female snake replied; "Noah says we have to go forth and multiply" the snake wailed. "Well what is wrong with that?" "We're adders!
God and Adam were walking along in the garden having a conversation one day. God said to Adam "I have designed the perfect companion for you, she will cook, clean, bear you wonderful children, fuilfill your every desire." Adam told God that was wonderful. God then told Adam that He would put a great sleep on him and that he would have to give up an arm and a leg to get this companion. Adam thought abvout it for a minute and replied "What can I get for just a rib?"
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2006
- Messages
- 7,012
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes the blonde's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up the headphones and listens.
She hears: Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
She hears: Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2006
- Messages
- 42,326
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous focus.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor replied, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. Then you put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% credit because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous focus.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor replied, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. Then you put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% credit because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career!"
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2006
- Messages
- 42,326
Cajun Fishin'
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he have a plan.
He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.
Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.
But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.
Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he have a plan.
He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.
He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.
A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.
He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2007
- Messages
- 1,690
A Priest, a Doctor, and a biker chick walk into a bar... The bartender looks up and says " What the hell is this, a joke?"
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