Clean jokes...

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Retirement Planning

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to Drink heavily and recycle.
 
Funniest Divorce Letters

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Response:
Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife,

Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem!!
 
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Laughter


Children say the funniest things: God, Church and Religion.
KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'



A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'



After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'



One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'



A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'



A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'



A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
 
Airline Announcements?


United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!



On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '



'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'



As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'



After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'



Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'



'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'



'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'



Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'



After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'



Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'



A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'
 
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
 
There were 3 guys walking in the woods and they came across this huge hole in the path.

The 1st guy says "Lets throw some rocks in the hole and see how deep it is." So thats what they did only they didn't hear it hit bottom.

So the 2nd guy says "I saw a log back there lets get that and throw that in." So thats what they did.

Then this old farmer comes walking up and says "Have you seen my goat go by here?"

The 3rd guy replies "We saw one jump down in that hole."

The farmer replies "That couldn't have been my goat. He was tied to a log."
 
A blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
 
Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons:
"I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!"

"I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!"

"But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!"

Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?"

Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin matcha......."
 
A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees another drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. "Ma'am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home."

The woman replies, "Thank you sir, but I have one question...Where's his wheelchair?"
 
A very religious woman went into the local pet shop to buy a parrot for company. She selected a beautiful bird, but the pet store owner said he didn't think she'd be happy with this particular parrot because he had belonged to a salty old sailor who used very bad language.


She replied that she knew with love and care she could break the bird of his bad habits and have a wonderful companion.


Well, the bird was not to be broken of his blue language and the woman had to hide him in the spare bedroom every time she had visitors.





Finally, in desperation she told the bird she was going to put him in the freezer for 10 minutes every time he used bad language. Sure enough in just a couple of minutes the bird let out a string of obcenities. She put him in the freezer with him hollering and yelling his head off. After just a minute or two it got very quiet.....afraid that something bad had happened to the bird, she opened the door.


Out stepped the parrot, shivering and most pleasantly and politely he said "excuse my prior behavior, madam. I regret any dismay I may have caused you and promise never to use improper language again." Well, the woman was thrilled to hear these promises and was about to say so when the bird interrupted to say "by the way, madam, what's the chicken in for?"
 
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"
 
Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
 
A burglar broke into a house. as he was crossing the kitchen he heard a voice say i can see you and Jesus can see you. Confused the burglar looked up and shined his flashlight up at the ceiling. He realized that the voice that was talking to was a parrot. The parrot said my name is Ebeneezer,and I can see you and Jesus can see you.

The burglar said wow Ebeneezer is a pretty stupid name for a parrot.

the parrot replied yeah and Jesus is a dumb name for a Pitbull.
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota, reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass , Minnesota , Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

Thank Heavens for Ole.

An dat's da trut, ya you betcha!
 
A guy is 70 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the
other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and
I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make
sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be
your bride!"
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I
said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog."
 
I'm a Senior Citizen
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.

I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
 
One day a blonde was having trouble with her computer, so she calls tech support.

"Hello how can I help you?," the tech support woman says.

"Yes, I am having trouble getting my computer to do anything," the blonde says.

"What window do you have open?"

"Are you crazy! it's freezing cold outside!"
 
well, it may cause grandma to blush, but it won't send this thread to the cove...

ole is walking home through the park one night when a lady steps out of the bushes and says "$20". ole had never done such a thing and figures it's only twenty bucks so he tells her ok. as they are getting busy in the bushes a cop shines his flashlight on them and asks "what''s going on here?"

ole replies, "i'm making luff to my vife officer". the cop turns away and says "oh sorry, i didn't know." ole responds back, "neider did i til you shined da light in her face."

Winston
 
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