Clean jokes...

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Here is a Turkey Recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing--imagine that. When a friend of mine found it she thought it was
perfect for her as she is just not able to tell when poultry is thoroughly
cooked but not dried out. Give this a try. .......Start with an 8 to 15
pound turkey...using 1 cup of melted butter and 1 cup of stuffing
(Pepperidge Farm is good) with 1 cup of uncooked popcorn (Orville
Redenbacher's low fat) and salt and pepper to taste.........Preheat oven to
350 degrees.....brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, pepper. Fill
cavity with stuffing and popcorn...Place turkey in baking pan with the neck
end toward the back of the oven....Listen for the popping sounds....When
the turkey's butt blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the
room, it's done.:D
 
Hey - I Got a new truck! I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I Couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was Voice activated. 'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky Or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the Speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday, some idiot ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I Swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Stupid Idiots!' Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on Tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax, and Ted Kennedy on Scotch. Dang, I LOVE this truck!!!!!!! ______
 
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of cow dung and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the 2nd branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral :

BS MIGHT GET YOU TO THE TOP, BUT IT WON'T KEEP YOU THERE.
 
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet
away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the
job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
 
I love science jokes. Don't know if this one's been posted yet, as there are so many already, but here goes.



What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
 
Here's another physics one. I don't know why, but I just like 'em.

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'
 
Lastly, and my most favorite, isn't actually a science joke. In fact, it's just a simple one-liner.

So a baby seal walks into a club.
 
Sorry, I ran out of my own material and had to steal something...

indian george said:
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."



A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Click to expand...
 
While not quite a joke, but lately I've been feeling my youth waning away ;)

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.

Things that you buy now won't wear out.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.

Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.

You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.

You can sing along with elevator music.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.

Your eyes won't get too much worse.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "

You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

And finally:
You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

G2
 
I'll try and paraphrase this from a local PA newspaper, one of those "by readers for readers" type papers.

A husband and wife are getting ready for work and are both next to each other. The wife exclaims how she would like to have bigger breasts, so the husband says "here take the toilet paper and rub it between your breast everyday for the next 10 years", the wife goes "WOW that will really work?" and the husband says "it worked for your butt why won't it work for your breasts"

They say with a couple years worth of physical therapy he will be able to walk again, and should soon be off of the pain meds from the surgery to have his scalp reattached, poor guy :D.
 
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: 'California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Pioneer Press, a local newspaper in Minnesota , reported the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Embarrass, Minnesota , Ole Olson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Minnesota had already gone wireless.

Thank Heaven's for Ole.
 
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was
seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes
in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the
corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and
asked what the problem was. After listening to her
story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first
doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is
63 years old, she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
 
annr said:
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was
seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes
in the examination room, the doctor told her she
was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the
corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and
asked what the problem was. After listening to her
story, he calmed her down and sat her in another
room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first
doctor's room.

"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is
63 years old, she has two grown children and several
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without
looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Click to expand...
No but I do after reading this, spewing coffee on keyboard.:)
Jim
 
WORRY

Is there a magic cut off period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when Parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties , I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little Chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, In a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be
adults.' My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing.

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I w as still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments.

My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.'


I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

PASS IT ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS (And also to your children. That's the fun part)
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God
 
Exercise for 50 year olds!

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb sacks.

After a few more weeks, try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, you can try putting a potato in each of the sacks.:p:p
 
Health Benefits of Laughter
Therapeutic Benefits of Laughter Dr. Lee Berk and fellow researcher Dr. Stanley Tan of Loma Linda University in California have been studying the effects of laughter on the immune system Studies show that laughing lowers blood pressure, reduces stress hormones, increases muscle flexion, and boosts immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being.

Following is a summary of his research, taken from an interview published in the September/October 1996 issue of the Humour and Health Journal.

Laughter Activates the Immune System In Berk's study, the physiological response produced by belly laughter was opposite of what is seen in classical stress, supporting the conclusion that mirthful laughter is a eustress state -- a state that produces healthy or positive emotions.

Research results indicate that, after exposure to humour, there is a general increase in activity within the immune system, including:
An increase in the number and activity level of natural killer cells that attack viral infected cells and some types of cancer and tumor cells.
An increase in activated T cells (T lymphocytes) There are many T cells that await activation Laughter appears to tell the immune system to "turn it up a notch."

An increase in the antibody IgA (immunoglobulin A), which fights upper respiratory tract insults and infections.
An increase in gamma interferon, which tells various components of the immune system to "turn on".

An increase in IgB, the immunoglobulin produced in the greatest quantity in body, as well as an increase in Complement 3, which helps antibodies to pierce dysfunctional or infected cells. The increase in both substances was not only present while subjects watched a humor video; there also was a lingering effect that continued to show increased levels the next day.

Laughter Deceases "Stress" Hormones The study also supported research indicating a general decrease in stress hormones that constrict blood vessels and suppress immune activity. These were shown to decrease in the study group exposed to humour.
For example, levels of epinephrine were lower in the group both in anticipation of humour and after exposure to humor Epinephrine levels remained down throughout the experiment.

In addition, dopamine levels (as measured by dopac) were also decreased Dopamine is involved in the "fight or flight response" and is associated with elevated blood pressure.

Laughing is Aerobic Laughing provides a workout for the diaphragm and increasing the body's ability to use oxygen.
Laughter brings in positive emotions that can enhance – not replace -- conventional treatments. Hence it is another tool available to help fight the disease.

Experts believe that, when used as an adjunct to conventional care, laughter can reduce pain and aid the healing process. Laughter offers a powerful distraction from pain.
In a study published in the Journal of Holistic Nursing, patients were told one-liners after surgery and before painful medication was administered. Those exposed to humour perceived less pain when compared to patients who didn't get a dose of humour as part of their therapy.

Perhaps, the biggest benefit of laughter is that it is free and has no known negative side effects .

Muscle Relaxation - Belly laugh results in muscle relaxation. While you laugh, the muscles that do not participate in the belly laugh, relax. After you finish laughing those muscles involved in the laughter start to relax So, the action takes place in two stages.
Reduction of Stress Hormones Reduction of Stress Hormones - Laughter reduces at least four of neuroendocrine hormones associated with stress response. These are epinephrine, cortisol, dopac, and growth hormone.

Immune System Enhancement - Clinical studies have shown that humour strengthens the immune system.
Pain Reduction - Humour allows a person to "forget" about pains such as aches, arthritis, etc.

Cardiac Exercise - A belly laugh is equivalent to "an internal jogging" Laughter can provide good cardiac conditioning especially for those who are unable to perform physical exercises.
Blood Pressure - Women seem to benefit more than men in preventing hypertension.

Respiration - Frequent belly laughter empties your lungs of more air than it takes in resulting in a cleansing effect - similar to deep breathing. Especially beneficial for patient's who are suffering from emphysema and other respiratory ailments.
 
Be careful what you ask of God!

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.

God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
 
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