Clean jokes...

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Mary, upon hearing the angel's glad tidings -

Ummm. . . come again??

Joseph, on hearing what Mary told him afterwards-

You're whaaaaat!?!!. . .
You were told this by whom???
And the kid is whose son!?!?!?. . .

After being visited by the Three strange-looking Wise Men and gifted with even stranger gifts-

Mary: Those guys were just creepy!

Joseph: Yeah, but hey, later on they'll call this an "extreme makeover!"

:D :p ;)
 
A United States Marine was attending some college
courses between assignments. He had completed missions
in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor
who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.
He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real
then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
15 min.' The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am
GOD, I'm still waiting.'

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got
out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there
looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to,
noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 'Why did you do that?'
The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting
American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid
stuff and act like an idiot. So He sent me.'

The classroom erupted in cheers!
 
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said

"Jesus knows you are here"

He almost jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard

""Jesus is watching you"

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, and in the corner of the room, saw a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed.

"Yep" the parrot confessed, then squawked "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses" replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"

From the parrot " The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus"
 
One dark night outside a small town near Everett , Washington , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was the nearby Norwegian rural township, volunteer fire company from Stanwood, Washington composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve’s gonna do is fix da brakes on dat stinkin' truck!"
 
Why is it quicker to run from first base to second than it is to run from second base to third?


Because there is a shortstop between second and third.
 
Late one night, a old woman who slept very lightly was awakened by a noise in her kitchen. Thinking the cat had gotten into mischief, she opened her bedroom door and saw the shadowy figure of a man carrying her television set. Being a religious woman, with great presence of mind she shouted

Repent, and be baptized every one of you! Acts 2:38!​

The man froze in his tracks, put down the television set, and slowly raised his hands in the air. That is how the police found him when they arrived a few minutes later. As they led him away, one of the officers asked him why he stopped when the old woman quoted Scripture.

"Scripture?" said the man. "All I heard her say was that she had an axe and two .38s!"
 
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill... Barefoot....
BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no ways I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that . . . I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today
I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! ;You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
 
An Irish priest loved to fly fish. It was an obsession, but so far this year the weather had been so bad that he had not had a chance to get his beloved waders on and his favorite flies out of their box. Strangely though every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forecast was again good for the coming Sunday so he called a fellow priest claiming to have lost his voice and in bed with the flu. He asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly fishing priest drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what the priest was doing. He informed God who agreed that he should do something.
With the first cast of his line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the priest ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he is going to tell?"
 
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
 
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.


Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said: "Well yeah, if that's what they are - I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
 
In Washington , D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For
years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital and
was well known among the elected officials. He motioned for his nurse to
come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before
I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse. The nurse sent the
request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't
know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our
images and might even get me re-elected." Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand
in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence
and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally President Obama spoke.. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I
would like to do the same."
 
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
 
A financial planner suggested to a wealthy client that he should invest in a circus.

The client expressed great surprise at such an unusual recommendation: "A circus? Why on earth should I buy into a circus?"

The financial planner replied: "Because of the elephants."

The client, puzzled even more, then asked: "The elephants? What is the connection between circus elephants and investments?"

The financial planner asked: "Well, do you know much it costs to feed an elephant?"

The client, slightly annoyed, responded: "No, of course I do not know much it costs to feed an elephant."

The financial planner explained: "Well, neither does the Taxation Commissioner."
 
JatMat said:
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."
Click to expand...


Eggzellent!
 
An old man and wife were sitting in church. The wife whispers to her husband "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?" to which the husband says "Turn up your hearing aid..."
-M
 
How do you kill a circus?
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.
.
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Go for the Juggler...:)
G2
 
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