Make me laugh, win stuff

[video=youtube;y09aDNQQZTQ]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y09aDNQQZTQ[/video]
[video=youtube;8GMpTr2_jSw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GMpTr2_jSw[/video]
[video=youtube;l6Atd2rrE4w]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6Atd2rrE4w[/video]
 
A long one... For another Official Entry....

Three guys go on a hunting trip, Union President, Plant Manager and Company President. They are eating lunch at camp when Plant manager says" lemme show you how smart my dog is, Einstein come here.'' Go to the kitchen and bring the cookies here. Dog brings cookies and three plates and sets them down. All agree, smart dog. Company President says to his dog " Edison bring me 8 ounces of milk." Dog brings back what all agree is 8 ounces of milk and all say smart dog. Company President says to Union President " What can your dog do?" Union man says " Coffee Break, show them what you can do" His dog walks over, mates with both dogs, sits down, eats the cookies and drinks the milk.
 
Beckerhead # 28 Official Entry

tradewater said:
On an unrelated note, the wife just pointed out today is "sinko de mayo" day. Don't forget to dump your Miracle Whip down the drain.
Click to expand...

tradewater said:
I enjoy dangling as much as the next guy, but I think a high ride is safer around the campfire.
Click to expand...

tradewater said:
The last dog I had got into the habit of sucking on treated fence posts and I had to shoot him. I can't abide a post sucking animal.
Click to expand...
 
Official Entry: Beckerhead #108

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........ ......... ..
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

........... ......... ......... ........ ......... ......... ........ ......
Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 
Beckerhead #90 entry

Baby seal walks into a club...

I was standing in a elevator the other day and a woman walks in. After going up a few floors I ask if I can smell hear vagina?
She says "hell no"
"oh, must be your feet" I replied.
 
Beckerhead 149, wishing you a much improved week. Some of my favorite laffs:

killed-her.jpg


Also, hoping you didn't have a day this bad: (courtesy of Bash.org)

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he f****** KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a s***
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh s***... if i were taking a s*** and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to f*** him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he f****** SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

And also this one. I feel bad laughing at it, but I just can't help it:

geronimo.gif
 
A cowboy walks into a bar. He removes his Stetson and there is a frog on his head.

The bartender is amazed and asks, "What the hell is THAT thing?"

The frog says, "I dunno. It started out as a wart on my ass."




i_dont_always_drink_beer_but_when_i_do_i_beat_my_wife_and_children-14187.jpg



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband standing around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she inquired.

"How can you tell them apart?"

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."





"official entry beckerhead # (or aspiring beckerhead)"
Official entry beckerhead # 223
 
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Already entered, but a moldy oldie:

Neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink & asks the price, bartender says, "for you, no charge"

Neutrino enters a bar, bartender asks whatya have? Neutrino says nuthin, just passing through.
:D
 
Not an entry but got a few yo momma jokes

Yo mammas like the town bicycle. Everybody gets a ride

Yo mommas like a hardware store. 25 cents a screw
 
Official entry Beckerhead # 187 *** Trick r treat. * * * * * A mother takes her 5 yr old son dressed as a pirate (complete with hat and fake parrot on his shoulder)door to door trick r treating. *After looking at a house that has a lot of children walking up and down the steps with bags full of candy the mother decides that this house will be great for little Sam, so she takes him by the hand and walks him across the street and *has Little Sam walk up the steps and ring the doorbell. The mother soon follows her son not far behind, an crotchety old man in his 80's answers the door, YES!!! What do you want? You little heathens already wiped me out of my treats!! "the crotchety old man replied, Then Sam replied back, trick or treat sir?? Yeah what are you supposed to be? Said the old man. Sam replied back, a a a pirate sir...A PIRATE? Yelled the old man. Yes a pirate!! Yelled back angrily from Sam. (Old man) You're not a pirate!! If you are a pirate...then where are your buccaneers? *Sam replied while kicking the mean old man in the knee and running away, UNDER MY BUCCAN HAT!!
8b32942f.jpg
 
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I don't know whether this is still going on, but I didn't get any messages, so...congrats to the winners?
 
official entry beckerhead #169

IMG_0249.jpg

The most expensive whopper I've ever eaten. I'm hoping for an upgrade when Windows 8 is released.

IMG_0330.jpg

A sign at a Tokyo Metro station

IMG_0937.jpg

Helium to change your voice! My wife wouldn't let me buy it, so I had to take a picture of it.

All three pictures were taken by me, if that counts for anything. They original and not things I found on the net.
 
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im glad that I am not giving away anything because I have laughed my arse off alot with some of these....
 
Don't know where I stand or where to start. Just for laughs......

How do you keep a morron in suspence?........ ill tell you tomorrow.
 
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